Confused and hurt by therapist.

[Jupiter822]

I've suffered a lot of trauma in my life. As a result, I have a habit of getting in terrible and sometimes abusive romantic relationships. For the past few years, my therapist has encouraged me to stay in a troubled relationship. Since I don't trust my own judgment I made the mistake of trusting hers. She retired a few months ago. Recently, this horrible feeling came over me that the romantic relationship is very harmful to my psychological wellbeing and that the feelings I had for this guy were not at all genuine. I thought he was a really good person. He's not. He is taking advantage of me. The therapist seemed to be smitten by him. This has me in shreds. Why on earth would she do this? And, she wanted to find a way to keep seeing me after she retired. She said she wanted to be my friend. How do I deal with this? Btw, I've had bad experiences w many therapists. What am i doing wrong?

[LovelySnow]

I am so sorry. In my opinion - maybe others can offer theirs, too, but - I really don't think therapists should offer to be your friend. I think it's entirely unprofessional and really unhealthy.

I don't know what you're doing - right or wrong! It's probably not you.

I wish you could find a good therapist because I know they exist!

[Jupiter822 in reply to LovelySnow]

Thanks! I won't give up on finding a good therapist. I do think they are out there.

[Stilltrying_]

This is a difficult one to answer as if we are to take your word for it your "therapist" is "smitten " with your partner. That would be a very unethical and unprofessional thing for a therapist to do. Also you say your therapist wants to be friends. Again that is completely unethical. It's really difficult to say what you are doing wrong as we don't know you or how you interact with these people. We would have to know far more about you and what you feel has gone wrong and what are the issues etc.

Regarding this most recent incident though all I can suggest that if you feel and are sure in your heart of hearts that this relationship with your boyfriend is bad for you then you need to work out a way to extricate yourself from it. If that is your conclusion and you are sure then I would work towards that goal and obviously you should not be friends with an ex therapist so I would not take up that offer of friendship though you don't have to be impolite about it. Just move on and do what you feel is right for you.

[LovelySnow in reply to Stilltrying_]

Unethical - yes. Totally agree.

[Hidden]

Wow Jupiter!

What a load! You need to listen to your own voice! You sound completely capable and intelligent, not to mention your insight into your feelings and those of others! You have to ultimately choose. I don’t think the therapist is supposed to encourage you to be in a relationship, but have you come to your own conclusions. I’m so sorry you’re going through this! Honestly, I think I would just ignore her...don’t be available. Look to yourself...you’re quite sane and able...🌞

[Jupiter822]

Thanks for the kind remarks. A little background, my mother was a malignant narcissist. She raised me to believe that I can't make my own decisions.

I actually brought up the guy to my therapist for help with not getting into a hurtful situation. I wish I would have listened to myself.

[Hidden in reply to Jupiter822]

It’s all part of your journey, and you’re going to be fine!

[Jupiter822 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you!

[NCAQuilter]

What a mess! To be betrayed by both people you should be able to trust is heart breaking. So sorry you are experiencing this.

I don't know the dynamics of your situations, but I do have some hints for you that may help you.

Re: the boyfriend - in your next relationship, if the boyfriend tries to get you to change, for any reason, head for the door. Some 'change' signs: 'You'd look better with short hair'. 'Why don't you get a nose job?' 'I'd like it if you lost some weight.' 'Change your tone of voice.' 'I love you the way you are, but ...' These can be the start of a controlling relationship, and, with your experiences, you don't want to get even close. Also, if he EVER threatens to hit you, run for the door. Anytime he demeans, even a little, your thoughts, ideas, opinions, is a strong sign of trouble to come. And realize, there are people out there who can detect a victim, and prey on them. So, do not take onto yourself any blame for getting into bad relationships.The blame rests squarely with the abusers of your trust.

Re: the therapist - when you decide to hire a new therapist, interview several, and keep interviewing, until you find one who feels exactly right! Stay with them until they feel wrong. I don't mean wrong as in they ask hard questions, but wrong as in their direction of treatment doesn't seem right to you. Remember, they work for you. You should benefit! This is a contract, so you must be totally honest and open with them, just as they must do their best to help you.

I truly hope you find success with a devoted therapist, and joy with a beloved boyfriend

[etrnloptimist]

Therapists should be on your side. on your team, no matter what. If this person was your "friend" ie acknowledgement outside of a counseling session, that is unprofessional and unethical. I've been through sooo many therapists before I found one I am happy with (and remember, they are people, so there is no such thing as the perfect therapist). You need to find a new one. A safe one. Who has your interests in mind.