Any advice on transference with therapist?

[mysterymuse]

I have an intense (non-romantic, non-sexual) obsession with my therapist. When I researched this online, I learned about transference and how this is a regular occurrence in the patient-therapist relationship. Many of the articles I read encouraged talking to your therapist about this, but that seems like it would be mortifying. I absolutely adore my therapist - she is kind and compassionate and has helped me through so much. When I'm not with her, I constantly daydream about being friends with her. I have imaginary conversations with her in my head constantly. I have extensively looked her up on the internet and social media and know everything I can about her. This all makes me feel weird and stalkerish, but I would never do anything weird or nefarious with this information. It just makes me feel closer to her to know as much about her as possible.

Does anyone have any advice on this? Have you experienced this and if so, did you tell your therapist about it? I'm afraid to talk to her about it because I don't want to freak her out. I've been seeing her for a couple of years and she has really helped me. I'm terrified of losing this relationship we have built, but I also feel like these types of intense feelings are worth discussing.

[Sillysausage234]

She makes you feel good about yourself maybe

[Canigothroughitagain]

I have just started with my CBT therapist and I feel the same way, I can’t get her out of my head I have only had two sessions there was 2 weeks between them and I was climbing the walls waiting for my next session so much so I asked her if I could see her in a week rather than two I last saw her on Thursday she could only see me this coming Monday otherwise she would be fully booked surely therapy shouldn’t make you feel so dependent I really like her and this might sound odd to some people but I enjoy our sessions and look forward to the next even though I am discussing some difficult stuff and sharing my most secret of thoughts and worries.

Have you managed to bring your feelings up to your therapist and if so what was her reaction?

[mysterymuse in reply to Canigothroughitagain]

Thanks so much for responding! I sort of brought up my feelings to her, but was pretty vague about it because I was embarrassed. However, I've been seeing her for a few years and I think she knows how much I depend on her and how much I love her. We've also spoken about my fear of abandonment, which helped me to sort of work through those feelings without specifically telling her about how I'm feeling. But every time I've gotten close to telling her how much she really means to me, she has handled it with grace and compassion and zero judgment.

I've been thinking about it a lot and for me, I think this feeling comes from feeling like she is the only person in the world who truly understands me. I tell her everything and she is so loving and patient in her responses, which is how I wish everyone could be. I don't know if it's the same for you, but understanding that has helped me feel less shameful about being so obsessed with her.

[Canigothroughitagain in reply to mysterymuse]

I was going to bring up my feelings of depending with her at my session on Monday but the opportunity didn’t come up I described it to my Mum that it feels like I am in the middle of a vast lake and the sessions are little islands which I have to tread water in between until they come round. I find my therapist extremely easy to talk to she sits and listens and doesn’t seem to judge. I find myself looking out in the town whilst out shopping in the hope that I will bump into her but so far no such luck. My therapy is only short term so I am dreading when it comes an end.

[mysterymuse in reply to Canigothroughitagain]

That's a beautiful description and I completely relate (the lake metaphor). I also constantly look for my therapist in public whenever I am anywhere. It doesn't feel weird to me, but I realize that it may seem a little strange or obsessive to others. It almost feels like I'm in love, but not in a romantic or sexual way.

I'm sorry your therapy is only short term. Since it IS short term though, maybe it would be beneficial to discuss your feelings about transference with her? She sounds like a lovely person; I'm sure she will know just how to help you process this! And since it's short term therapy, any embarrassment you may have will hopefully not be long lasting?

[Canigothroughitagain in reply to mysterymuse]

Yes I guess so I have some stuff I have to work through though not sure I can do it when I have to go back to work after my session an hour just doesn’t seem long enough somehow, it seems you are just getting into something and then bing bang your hours up homework is set for me to put together my thoughts and fears ready to discuss next session then I have a week or more in between stewing on what needs to be said 😣

[mysterymuse in reply to Canigothroughitagain]

Yes, an hour always seems too short for me! I've found it helpful to keep a list of things I want to tackle. I update the list as things come to me throughout the week, but don't always end up talking about everything.

[Canigothroughitagain in reply to mysterymuse]

Yes that’s what I’m doing as and when I think of something I type it in to my tablet and then either print it off and give it her to read or this last session I read it out to her as I hadn’t printed it.

I realise though that during my sessions when I am talking about the hard stuff I can rarely make eye contact with her I don’t know why but I just seem to centre on something in front of me and look at that how do you manage do you look at your therapist when you are in the process of spilling your anxieties?

[mysterymuse in reply to Canigothroughitagain]

The eye contact thing can definitely be difficult when divulging painful things. I honestly try not to worry about it and let myself feel whatever comes my way. I think I'm probably at my most awkward sometimes in therapy because of how awkwardly I react when I'm talking about something embarrassing/painful, but it's ok. I try not to worry about that and lean into what is really bothering me. But if it bothers you, you could try using a fidget cube or something? I have one and it helps me concentrate at times when I'm feeling anxious or fidgety.

[Canigothroughitagain in reply to mysterymuse]

I have been reading that not making eye contact in therapy is our bodies way of protecting ourselves in uncomfortable situations I guess that makes sense. I am reading stuff on quora.com a lot of the questions on there are answered by therapists some of it is quite interesting.