Family Issues

[Naturelover58]

My adult daughter contacted me in early October. She has been living with her boyfriend for 2.5 years and up to that time, things had been going well. She wanted to discuss some concerns with him at that time, and before the conversation got anywhere, he accused her of cheating which is not true. In the last while, she has been seeing a counselor to help her navigate their current difficulties and it has been going better for her/them, but even though he had agreed to attend counseling with her, it still has not happened. I think on all sides, marriage had been seen as the eventual outcome of their relationship. She loves him and wants to see if there is a way of working this out and as a parent, I can only support her. My daughter wants to give their relationship this opportunity but in the back of my mind, I worry that this is not going to end well, but she is an adult. He boyfriend's parents had an on again, off again relationship his whole childhood and it is concerning that handling conflict may not be something that he does well. I worry about my daughter and yet she is an adult, so I can only support when the need comes. I hate for my daughter to be perceived as a cheater when she hasn't and I feel like no relationship is without any conflict so issues will come up again.

[LadyZen]

Those are some serious allegations, especially if they aren't even true. As a mom, I have bad feeling in my stomach about the situation you described. My son had a girlfriend that gave off some serious red flags. He didn't want to break up with her, but I encouraged him to do so. He eventually did and found a girlfriend who he has now been with happily for 6 years. I think it's okay to tell our kids we love them and have serious concerns about their relationships and why. I was in an unhappy relationship for 20 years, and it was bad from the start. Life is short. No point in wasting it with someone that is not right.

[Naturelover58 in reply to LadyZen]

Thank you LadyZen. I have told my daughter about my concerns without badmouthing her boyfriend-just addressing the concerns. She has decided to continue with counseling and has a timeframe in which to end the relationship, should he not take the steps to meet her in working on the relationship together. I do feel anxiety about how this is going to go, maybe because I can see this as being a painful ending. I just want to fastforward the pain to where my daughter does end up with someone who is good for her, like your son did.

[LadyZen in reply to Naturelover58]

It's so hard to watch our children learn things on their own. Maybe this will be what sparks her to find a better relationship in the future.

[Naturelover58]

You are right on that. I want her to be able to skip through the pain that I can see down the road, but I can't do that either. I just want her to have the kind of love that she deserves.

[SayNOtoPanic]

Awww man that’s a rough one. As a mom sounds like you’re doing a great job and also sounds like your daughter is a smart gal. She’s addressing the concerns and using logic. Prayers up that she will figure it out. Hoping for the best.

[Naturelover58]

Thankyou SayNotoPanic, My daughter and I are very close. I last talked to her about a week ago and I felt something in her voice, but she told me that she is taking one day at a time. Last night I had been thinking about her and gave her a call but she didn't answer. In my mind, I was imagining them arguing, or her having picked up a shift at work, but my mind first gravitated to the first negative option. I have to tell myself that she is smart(and you are right about that) and she will make the right decisions for her in the end. It's a bit of a war that I have going on in my head. She really is a good person and I hate that this recent conflict is causing her pain.

[lowtech]

I think a private specialised relationships counsellor independent of the family might be the best toute to help her examine wht she feels she wants as an outcome, with all her concerns and realities of life looked-into, given what's gone on. Would she want any current worries and concerns to be carried on into a onger relationship, where things might bubble up again and always be a 'bone of contention'?

[Naturelover58]

Thanks lowtech, She is seeing a relationship counsellor and she does find this helpful. As a parent, knowing that he hasn't made plans to see a counsellor himself, makes me nervous about this happening again and unfortunately creates doubt in my mind, that he is the right guy for her. I check in with my daughter but try not to pry at this time, because it is her right as an adult to figure out her pathway, but I am completely in agreement with what you are saying. I know that if she leaves him, it will be quite difficult for her but if he doesn't start counselling, I can only see the outcome as a negative one. Thankyou.

[Pancakes102]

I can imagine how that must feel as a parent, all you have to do is tell her your concerns respectfully with the hopes that she understands. She might understand but deep down there is the concept of a "forbidden fruit", the more you tell her how unhealthy the relationship is or about how bad the guy could potentially be for her self esteem.. the more she feels the need to go back. It is human nature. Perhaps you can suggest that she takes a break from him (go on a trip to clear her mind or find a new hobby that is time consuming)

[Naturelover58 in reply to Pancakes102]

Thankyou Pancakes102. I did have a respectful chat with my daughter on Monday. I feel like the views I had of the relationship and the way I see it now have changed, but I have to give my daughter the chance to see this through the way that she decides. I just would hope to minimize the pain that she might experience that can lie ahead, but if she resolves things the way that she plans to, hopefully if the relationship ends, she will see this as the best option and if they continue to see each other, hopefully he will have taken the necessary steps for a healthy relationship to result. That's the hope! Thankyou.