I had gastric bypass surgery a few months ago. I had come off my depression medications previous to that. Since then my anxiety has heightened. I'm a therapist who is going to be licensed soon. I hate the position I am in currently. I have gone on many job interviews and every single one has wanted to hire me. I have turned them all down because of fear that I will hate it more than my current job. I can't enjoy my weekends. I am plagued with stress and it is effecting my relationships and the ones I love. I just wannabe happy. I just wanna feel normal and not like I am falling apart. I want something to be a guarantee because I am so scared of taking that leap. I just want to quit everyday. I am dseeing a therapist, it helps but only a little. I am seeing a medication provider on Tuesday I am hoping that helps. Because honestly some days I just wanna die. If anyone can relate or just reach out I would appreciate it because right now I feel so lost.
Therapist who needs a therapist - Anxiety and Depre...
It sounds like you have been through so much recently, so first, don't be so hard on yourself you're coping in the best way you know how right now, I admire you for coming through all that you have so far...you're obviously so much stronger than you give yourself credit for.
You know, As a therapist yourself that our anxieties are not something that happens to us but something we create.
There are a lot of things in your post that need to be addressed but let's look at the general idea of being happy.
You talk about how you "just wanna be happy". When you imagine being happy what does that look like for you?
You also say you "want something to be a guarantee because your scared of taking that leap". I'm curious, when is anything an actual guarantee? You could lose your job tomorrow if something changes could you not? So what do have to lose by taking a job that might be better for you?
Our subconscious minds make suggestions that it believes is helping us or protecting us but sometimes it might not actually be in our best interest. Our subconscious minds don't really know what's best for us at a particular time it just plays out the story that it is most used to telling.
So my final question to you at the moment is this:
When you turn down these new job opportunities because you're afraid you're going to dislike them more than your current job what, specifically, is your subconscious protecting you from?
Thank you for responding. Happy to me would be not obsessing over thoughts and being able to live in the moment and not dwell on the future. Being with mybhusband and not thinking about how the person I interviewed with will be calling soon and asking if I want the position.
I guess what I have to lose is a job with a lot of flexibility and the population they want me to work with is one I am not completely familiar with. I'm not confident in my abilities to work with the population and it doesn't sound like much training may be provided. My other option is waiting until I'm licensed and applying elsewhere or opening my private practice. Lots of pros and cons. I just don't want to get myself into something I hate more. If that makes sense.
I honestly don't know what my subconscious is protecting me from. Failure? Finding something I'm not good at. Idk. I feel so lost. Thank you for taking the time to respond though.
Thank you for your answers.
Just to let you know, I work with people with depression, not everyone is the same of course, but I ask questions because this is the way I have found to get the best results for those I work with...I apologise if my method seems a little silly but I hope you won't be offended if I continue to ask you questions.
In the hope that you're not I shall continue.
Can I ask why you're going for other jobs if you're "content" with the one you're in?
Has there ever been a time when you haven't obsessed over thoughts and been able to live in the moment and not dwell on the future?
What is it about you, do you think, that those you interviewed with are so confident that you're able to do the job that they offer it to you? Are you lying in the interviews? If not and you're telling the truth then why should you doubt your ability?
And what if it was failure that you're subconscious was protecting you from?
What does failure mean for you?
You mention not wanting to get into something you hate more than your current role...so what is it about your current role that you dislike?
And what would a job that you didn't hate more than your current role look like?
I understand this by the way. I self sabotage because I worry that the moment I start doing something I'm interested in as a job that I will hate it. That nobody will find value in what I have to say and that I'm not intelligent enough to make a difference.
But is this true or is it true because I have chosen to believe this about myself because of a story that my subconscious plays out and has always played out when it comes to improving my life in some way or another?
Well I know, because of the study that I've done and the questions I've asked of myself and had asked by others meant I discovered, that it is my belief about myself that is stopping me from doing what I need or want to do.
I'm going for other jobs because I'll be licensed soon and my job currently won't be able to pay me more once I'm licensed. I've hit the cap. And I'm very micromanage
I don't remember a time I was able to not obsess over thoughts. It's gotten worse since I started working in the field a few years ago. Before that I didn't have many responsibilities. I just went to school and did my studies. I was carefree. But I had to grow up. I didn't have any job experience. Just internships which were anxiety provoking.
I don't lie inn the interviews. People often say that I come off very confident. They don't know how much I'm suffering inside. I told the interviewer i didn't have much experience with the population but was willing to learn. I was hoping hed say they would train me but I didn't hear that from him. The clinical director didn't seem like he would be doing much supervision which makes me nervous especially just starting out.
I'm so scared to fail. Failure means I'm a bad clinician. A bad person. I know that's unrealistic and not true. I've tried combating the thoughts but it doesn't work. It always lingers. Failure means I'm lost.
A job I looked like would be a team environment that was supportive and I could also be independent in my practice. I don't know if this position is that. As I would be the only clinician along with one other guy. It sounds lonely. But part of me doesn't know if I'm just talking myself out of it. I don't want to be micromanaged by my boss and I want to feel independent and confident. Which makes me laugh because this position is independence but also scares me too
Thanks for answering my questions.
I understand what you're saying.
I'm curious about a few things you said.
"I'm so scared to fail"
I understand this. There may be some areas where you may make mistakes but it's a new job so that's to be expected isn't it? Is that failure too? Or is that learning? What needs to happen for you to fail?
What would have to happen in a new job for you to be a success?
What if failure was a way of showing you where you could do things better?
What if learning from failure meant you were a good person not a bad person? What would that do for you?
I'm also curious?
Failure + Bad person. When did you decide this?
Has there ever been a time when you have not done something correctly and you haven't felt like a failure?
Perhaps, with this other person in the role, you could learn all you need from him?
I don't know where my all or nothing thinking can from. I don't remember a time where I didn't care or where I didn't think doing a mistake wasn't failure. I guess failure would be getting fired? But then it's not just that. It would be me looking incompetent and not living up to their expectations of why they hired me. Perhaps I could learn all from this person but what if hes not helpful and I am stuck by myself. Then I'm stuck at a worse job.