Want to disappear : My anxiety... - Anxiety and Depre...

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Want to disappear

Hudgins150
Hudgins150

My anxiety sometimes gets so out of control I dream and even make plans to disappear from everyone I know...I actually have this fantasy of packing my hiking bag and just take off on foot and leave everything behind including modern technology...not only do I not understand how or why I feel, even after years of therapy and being on several meds nothing makes sense or helps...I do have it under somewhat control...but it’s embarrassing for other to know the real me or to try and explain...I hate attention or feeling like a burden, and everyone says they are concerned, but it still makes me feel ashamed... “ I don't belong in the world

But that's what it is

Something separates me from other people

Everywhere I turn

There's something blocking my escape”

I sometimes even try or wish people close to me would just hate me so it would make it easier and I would not feel guilt, honestly hurting others and knowing the sadness I would bring is the only reason I keep trying...

30 Replies
Hidden
Hidden

Man please don't feel this way about yourself, I'm sure you are very loved & by many on this site, me included! Are you able to take your mind to a happy place or time? Please try to feed your mind with positive thoughts only. I'm here for you if I can help in any way. I wish for you peace of mind. Love, light,joy & hugs!!!

Hudgins150
Hudgins150 in reply to Hidden

Thank you for always responding, for some reason I feel I know you..you just seem like that type that’s easy to talk with

Hidden
Hidden in reply to Hudgins150

Maybe we do know one another! I am very easy to talk to, it's my nature & believe it or not I'm a shy one, hahaha!!! Love, peace, light joy & hugs!!!

P.S. Where are you from, you don't have to answer if you don't want to I understand!

Hudgins150
Hudgins150 in reply to Hidden

Originally from South Dakota but living in Georgia last 2 years

Hidden
Hidden in reply to Hudgins150

Oh okay, I'm in PA. I don't think we know one another, you remind me of a family member! Love, peace, light, joy & hugs!!!

Hey Hudgins, embarrassed? Yes at times. Want to give up or disappear? Never. Life is too precious to me. Oh I've pushed people away just because they don't understand the pain of being anxious but actually, after a while, they just disappear on their own.

There was a time that I just wanted to run..... but where to? The anxious me would follow me no matter where I went. :(

And so I literally dissected what anxiety is, how it physically and mentally affects me and what I can do to eliminate this chaos in my life. It wasn't easy, it took years of therapy, medication and the belief that I had it in me and would reach my goal. *which I have

Anxiety is a mind power game that I choose not to lose. I was worth more than that. I'm not by any means any different than others with anxiety disorders. I fear just like anyone else, I cry, I shake, adrenaline runs through my body as the butterflies attack my stomach.

The difference is I don't care. I am in control of Agora1, not this cowardly bully called anxiety who preys on us when we are most vulnerable.

And so Hudgins, don't run, don't hide, don't disappear, You belong in this world just as much as anyone else deserves to. There's happiness out there. And with every step I take forward, I find it. You are just in a little slump right now. Together as a forum we can and will all reach our goal. It's all about never feeling alone. You've got this and we're behind you all the way. :)

Hudgins150
Hudgins150 in reply to Agora1

You right about a mind power game, figuring out how to take control is the challenge...thanks for sharing your story, and I’m happy to hear your success

I have read your post and for me the second part of your last sentence is a good enough reason ( for now) for you to continue trying. At the end of the day though it would be great if your life could move on for your own sake from feeling that you don't belong and all this negativity about yourself.

Have you made yourself available of helplines at all and have they in any way calmed you at all? You say you've had years of therapy. Sometimes it takes a long time to get the right medication/therapy and so it may be worth experimenting further with both of these things.

I can feel the despair in your post and I urge you to keep trying different methods of help. I posted up yesterday about suicide so please refer to my post and watch the video I put up as this person just wanted to disapear, wanted the pain to end. But.......

We all have a place and a purpose in this life and you are as important and precious and as individual as anyone. I have been in that low place but I do think that there are ways through it.

Thanks, reaching out is the hardest part...I’m bipolar so I’m on 5 different meds and that could make it worse...not always feeling this way but unfortunately I feel it more then not

wanting to get the hell out of dodge is not a crazy thought. as a matter of fact, many people feel that way, and actually follow through with it. i think at some point, we all want a sense of freedom but at the same time, solitude.

btw, early in my treatments, years ago, i took meds for different things they said i needed them for. i found the side effects were worse. check into the meds you are on. for me, some things i took for depression made me even more depressed!

Agora1
Agora1 in reply to Nadia_FL

Meds are often behind a lot of the continuing symptoms we have.

For me, it was getting off long time prescribed benzos that opened

the doorway to feeling myself once again. x

Nadia_FL
Nadia_FL in reply to Agora1

agreed. being vegetarian, no drugs, no alcohol has been the best decision for me. I also promised myself that id get a camper van and travel some within the next 12 months to satisfy my own urge to disappear. who says i cant? :)

Agora1
Agora1 in reply to Nadia_FL

I agree, who says you can't disappear? If that's what the heart desires, go for it.

Sounds like your life style is healthy, now it may be time to experience a different

journey. Wish you nothing but success. :) xx

Hudgins150
Hudgins150 in reply to Agora1

Thanks

Nadia_FL
Nadia_FL in reply to Agora1

Thanks Agora!

Hudgins150
Hudgins150 in reply to Nadia_FL

Your courage to do travel I really admire...I sometimes feel a change of scenery would help, even for a short time...I hope you do get that camper van and enjoy...maybe even share some neat places

Nadia_FL
Nadia_FL in reply to Hudgins150

I'm still working on the courage part but my plans are in place. I'm taking my baby steps to get there. I for sure plan to blog or post about it.

Hidden
Hidden in reply to Agora1

Omg Agora. How did you do that? I want to but the thought is daunting!!! I have often wondered if they are actually making me worse. I really admire you!!

Hudgins150
Hudgins150 in reply to Agora1

The benzos definitely just mask the problem...I’m actually doing good cutting down on Ativan

Hudgins150
Hudgins150 in reply to Nadia_FL

Your right about the side effects...being treated for social anxiety and bipolar I’m on several meds to help control and adjustments are always being made...

Nadia_FL
Nadia_FL in reply to Hudgins150

The layered meds always scared me terribly. I would often have to force the opportunity to assess how I feel before adding because I was worried about not being able to tell what works or what doesnt. Stressing over that alone gave me reasons to ruminate! Eventually, I stopped everything except bio-identical hormone replacement. Anything else I use now is mineral, vitamin, or naturally grown. It has done wonders.

Hidden
Hidden

I think depression and anxiety make us feel like we are very different and alone. Other people that have it just don’t understand it.

Hudgins150
Hudgins150 in reply to Hidden

And explaining is even harder, I sometimes feel worse trying to explain then just dealing in my own way...when I don’t want to get out or just be alone and read or do something creative people start to worry about “he might do something harmful to himself” and that is even worse...that guilt of worrying others really bothers me

Nadia_FL
Nadia_FL in reply to Hudgins150

Yes, that exact stuff is what makes me keep to myself. Especially away from my family. They are the source of my PTSD.

Nadia_FL
Nadia_FL in reply to Hidden

That is sooo true. Ive watched things abt depression and when other people comment insensitively, I always tell them how it can't be understood by somone who has never had it. For example, when Anthony Bourdain chose to leave, ppl kept saying how happy he seemed and how out of nowhere it was. While others that knew him said he always battled. I completely identified with that. When I told my daughter that its easy for me to understand how someone could appear fine and then just decide one day that they are done, she got very upset. She just couldn't get that the sadness never goes away, you just find ways to keep it at bay.

Hidden
Hidden in reply to Nadia_FL

I tell people. “You don’t want to understand it—for in order to understand it you would have to experience it!!” I just got tired of people judging about it. If you don’t get it—you don’t get it. There are a lot of things I don’t understand but that’s because my brain isn’t there.

Nadia_FL
Nadia_FL in reply to Hidden

I only try to explain to people that i trust, which is not many! Everyone else has been judgmental about it. I haven't claimed my illness w work for that very reason. However, I do challenge managers who treat me differently if they notice me struggling w something. By law, you don't have to disclose. So, if theres an incident that triggers an emotional reaction from me and they start trying to label me instead of helping, I call it out. The reality is that your medical info is no one's business. Being treated differently than any other person at work is illegal. Knowing this has really aided me a great deal in the past couple of years in business situations.

Ha...that’s exactly how I feel if people hated my guts it would make my decision a whole lot easier. I know that I’m diffrent and the majority of ppl don’t accept me but my real problem right now is the few loved ones who love me I think lol. Maybe one day I’ll gather enough courage and just let it go. I’m not looking for sympathy or am I hoping ppl would feel sorry for me because as far as I’m concerned even if that was the case it won’t matter because I won’t be here to see ppl react . I think most ppl who suffer don’t give a rats *** about playing the victim or trying to seek attention because like I mentioned I won’t be here to see it anyways if I decided to leave. Things are looking pretty bleak right now and I just don’t care anymore weather there’s a god, heaven, hell, reincarnation, or whatever there may be . I’ve been through too much !!! the kind of **** that really makes you question wether all of this is worth it. Tired of going back to square 1, tired of being alone, tired of feeling the same dispair feelings everyday, tired of hearing cliches, quotes, “you can do it” , I’m in pretty deep to be honest. It’s so exhausting just trying to live normally in world where I don’t belong. Ppl can say whatever they want but at the end of the day I’m still alone. I don’t want to scare anyone but damn it’s been almost 15 years things are not better. Anyways take care and best of luck.

Hudgins150
Hudgins150 in reply to Benny3221

I agree it’s a personal decision...but it does bring comfort to know others feel the same, but something I’m learning from this group is we are not alone and in some small way that is a comfort to understand I’m not the only one...

Nadia_FL
Nadia_FL in reply to Benny3221

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting a different result. (Einstein)

At some point, you have to level w yourself and switch something up if you are truly going to give yourself a chance.

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