I feel ashamed and embarassed about things I did in the past

[JtimmyT]

Even though past is past and I try not to let it get to me, but there are times when I feel down where I get thoughts from the past, all the way to my school years.

I live near a small town where everyone almost knows each other. Who I was before, my attitude, the way I acted is obviously going to impact the way others treat or think of me.

When I see on social media, former classmates together and all that, I feel kinda like an outcast, the former high school loser that nobody really likes to get to know.

I feel ashamed of myself looking back, as to why I was such a boring little weirdo, a wuss who couldn't even talk more than one or two sentences.

There was no need to be a goodie and nice all the time, it just makes others take advantage of you, no one including teachers wont thank you for it.

I feel ashamed I couldn't stand up for myself, that I threatened one of my classmates with a kitchen knife in catering class.

He now owns a supermarket in town, sometimes if I do see him, I remember what I did, I also remember the torment and humiliation too.

Saw his dad in a shop today, he was glaring at me from the other till. I tried not to look, but he was staring, it made me feel uncomfortable. Don't know why he was staring, maybe he remembers what I did, maybe he just thinks I'm a weirdo...

I get thoughts of college, how certain people would take advantage, how I would try hard to fit in and end up looking like a fool.

It angers me how I was so daft and pathetic and let otgers walk over me. How I was so quiet most of the times, unable to say things.

One thing that stands out was the constant bullying and humiliation by these 2 girls... (yeah, a guy being bullied by girls)

They would constantly tease me, ask me sexual and awkward questions in front of everyone, sometimes in front of thd teachers making me appear thick.

My fault really, like when she asked who I went with at the college party and named all the boys who I was in the taxi with......(idiot)

I just couldn't fight back, only time I hit one of them was when she kept pinching me, then hit me on the balls, so slapped her head and pushed her.

But that just made things worse, she kept telling everyone I grabbed her tits.

Her bf threatened he would kill me once..... so I took my pen knife out and begged him to do it then. Then threatened to kill her friend in front of her to make her fear me.

Nobody reported it to the police, but everyone in town who were from school including my sister found out eventually.

I was always used to get confused or paranoid, whether people are talking about me, taking advantage or serious.... it's like everyone's brain was more advance to mine.

Sometimes I wish the cops did know, or maybe that I jumped from the college roof or something, so I don't need to live anymore.

After college, I was working with the forestry, got a job from my dad's friend.

I didn't like my co-workers, I tried to get a long, but I often felt I was taken advantage of, they often pile the hard work on me, even get ne to do things I have no qualifications or license to do like this machine that cuts trees, I had the sack after an accident at work.

He never looks at me these days... if I pass him in town.

I regret that I made myself a pushover, that I didn't stand up for myself. That I did things I shouldn't be doing, that could've killed or injured someone, like operating machinery without proper training.

After that I got depressed, some kids in town stoke my car and crashed it. I was angry, hated everyone, with hate....

I hacked their social media accounts, as well as former classmates, doing very sad and pathetic things. Not sure if they knew it was me, but I sometimes feel they do. It was really stupid, and I regret it.

I now work at home with my parents. I often find people intimidating, especially those around my age and younger.

If a person looks or acts cheeky, I feel uncomfortable around them, sometimes they remind me of soneone else, I find looking for another job scary, I often feel everyone still thinks I'm some idiot, a weirdo, a bit slow in the head.

I feel ashamed of who I was, the things I did and who I really am.

I regret and find it hard to change and just let go even if some of these are like 10 years ago.

I sometimes feel unsure if I see someone I know, if I should avoid and pretend not to know them or smile and say hi... some of them ignore me or look like I'm a daft one.

This guy who was really chatty and I felt a little at ease talking to, he doesn't talk to me anymore, sometimes he'd wave and say hello, but I sometimes feel I did something wrong to him when I didn't, like he'd try to avoid me if possible, even my former high school teacher.

Maybe they hate me...I don't know...

I often think I should make friends with people in town who used to know me from school. Some, I would have to see them anyway, like one of the guys building our roof, (he's alright, but I still remember what I been doing before).... or them in the bank or shop.

I have friends, but not from this area, they live abroad....

Because of above, I feel awkward about having a girlfriend, whether she'd wonder why I'm a loner, no friends, what others might tell her.

I wish I was more lively, confident and outgoing and also sensible....

I feel nothing but hate for myself, I look back and think....what an idiot.....

Most of it was my own doing, my fault, my stupidity, my ignorance and naivity.

I am not as easy to take advantage of, well, I think I'm not, I learned takwondoo.

Recently met my uncle from America for the first time. Just couldn't say much, was awkward, repeating the same thing and embarrassingly too awkward.... I feel slow and ashamed to ever see him again.

He jokingly said to my dad, that I'm a chatterbox.

[Hidden]

Try not to be so hard on yourself. You seem like a great guy who made a few mistakes in life, so what, we ALL have. I've made countless mistakes that I regret but I made up my mind to forgive myself and also ask Jesus for forgiveness. Forget the past as we can't turn back time, but we can learn from our mistakes. Don't let people bother you, none of us are perfect, we ALL have skeletons in our closet. Smile, hold your head high and don't be afraid to be YOU, you are just as valuable as every one else on this planet.

[dee_bells]

Jtimmyt,

I agree it sounds like you’ve been through a lot.

One thing you mention is that was your past. If that is not you anymore, leave it in the past.

I struggle myself with things in my past but I’m a different person now.

Leave that old you behind. Be a better person because you can do it. When you pass someone you once knew, hold your head up, smile and say hi. And keep walking.

Do you see a therapist, someone who can help you resolve the things in your past? That would probably help you a lot.

So sorry you are going through this.

All the best.

Dee

[JtimmyT in reply to dee_bells]

Thanks Dee, your advice means a lot, no I haven't seen a therapist about it. I do seee a therapist, but not as much as before, there are just times where I feel awkward telling him everything that's bothering me.

[dee_bells in reply to JtimmyT]

Be open with your therapist and tell them everything.

I told my therapist something I did and yup I told her about a time when I went a little crazy. My therapist said that’s f**king crazy!” I found a new therapist after that and she is wonderful. I tell her everything. She gives me great advice.

By seeing a therapist you can work through your past and live your new life today. Don’t be miserable and stop caring about what all these people say or think.

As long as those behaviors are in the past, you can move forward. In my opinion, see your therapist more.

And if you run into these people that you’ve hurt or had problems with, tell them you’re sorry and move on.

Good luck and you’re not a bad person.

Dee

[Hidden in reply to dee_bells]

Hi, how are you? Love, peace, light, joy & hugs. I miss chatting with you on the phone!

[dee_bells in reply to Hidden]

I’ll give you a call in the morning next week. I hope all is okay and good to hear from you!! Love & hugs.

[Hidden in reply to dee_bells]

Oh you just made my day! My bells on my toes will be ringing for you! I hope all is good with you, I've thought of you often. Love, peace, light, joy & hugs!

[dee_bells in reply to Hidden]

I’ve thought of you too. Putting a reminder on my calendar to call you next week! Love and hugs!!

[fauxartist]

It sounds like you have a lot of self loathing and blame and shame that you somehow feel you deserve.... and that all these virtually indifferent or estranged people in your life really remember everything about you and have some sort of pre-conceived notion of you. They probably in reality don't really have any thoughts one way or another.

Most people you think are thinking about you are not. You are just not that important to everyone around you for them to focus their attention on you and to remember every little thing you did in life. They are dealing with their own problems, anxiety's, worry's and how they are going to deal with their own life issues. Not all of us are socially adept in life, but we manage okay. We learn to be happy with ourselves and accept who we are and can be content enough....but it takes work and some therapy and some help sometimes.

The reality is often very different than what we may have thought it was once we start getting help with how we see ourselves. I always thought I was a geek, unlovable, didn't fit in, was always the odd one, or just didn't fit in anywhere. So often I was bullied and teased because people can see when we feel out of sorts....and cowards and bullies get their sick kicks messing with us. But it's really they who are the assholes, not us. We are just socially awkward, and surprisingly not alone with this social anxiety, and self image issue. I always wanted to just be invisible, hoping to make it through the day without anyone talking to me. It took years and years to learn how to move off of that self loathing and thinking so little of myself that I actually expected to be the target of others.

We did nothing to deserve this, and your not alone feeling this way. If you could change, and you can...the way your feeling, then do it.....find a way. learn that you deserve to be treated with respect, that you are no different than anyone else who suffers, we all here suffer from one thing or another.....so I'm glad your here sharing your story, it may help someone else not feel alone with this.....

[JtimmyT in reply to fauxartist]

Thank you, I think it helps getting things that are lingering in your mind out in the open in a safe place, your advice really helps me, I am greatful for your time.

[fauxartist in reply to JtimmyT]

you are safe here....no one will judge you....your okay more than you know. Many many here have shared similar stories over and over,....the sad thing is, it's far too common how people are singled out and bullied...it does happen, and I think it's getting worse.... your best defence is offence....project an image in your mind of the kind of guy you want to be, and start believing it....you are the one that can change things about yourself that you want to...remember that no one can make you feel bad about yourself unless you let them.... don't let them in...some of us are just more sensitive than others, but that makes us the greats in history too....that detail to art, or architecture, or invention...all comes from those of us who see the world in greater detail and can feel things most are numb too....use this to your advantage in life.

[SammyWill117]

I doubt you're the only guy who has ever being bullied by girls....

She sounds like a bitch.

You threatened someone with a knife, because you felt it was your only defence that time against people who could beat the living crap out of you. That's fine.... at least you didn't kill them, so that is ok...

I'm not going to sugar coat this, but yeah, some people might still have some thought of what you once did. If someone hacked my social media accounts, I sure would be angry.

Some people might still think you're a bit of a weirdo, psychopath, bit thick, but you're probably not the only one... they probably seen worse.

You probably think some people are weirdos thick and stupid too I'm sure.

You have to not give a crap move on and look after number 1.

You can't change what others think of you. You can only change what you think of yourself.

I doubt they care much anymore, maybe some might not trust you,think you're an a-hole which is why this guy you talk about ignores you or not the same as before towards you.

Or maybe he is not the same as before and knows nothing about your past incidents or cares less about them, and your no longer important in his life.

The guy glaring at you probably thinks your weird, let him, he knows nothing about you. Not your fault his son was an a hole all those years

If someone hacked my social media account, I sure would be angry, I sure will not trust that person and be weary next time, unless convinced that person has changed, but very likely it would've died down over time.

Just have to move on, smile if you know someone, if they ignore you, they probably forgot what you look like, or don't want to know you. I think they'd still do the same if you didn't hack their accounts or went crazy in the past,

You have nothing to apologise for. Sometimes some people make us click.

Good people do bad things if pushed hard enough..,

I'm sure you know of bad people in your area who done worse things. Like robbing, assaulting, drugs etc.

[CornerstoneSolidHope]

Hi JtimmyT,

Yes, your past sounds filled with extremely unpleasant experiences. And, doesn’t have to continue to haunt you. It’s possible for you to heal from the emotional wounds it left that still feel painful.

I remember several years back, during my struggles with how I was mistreated by others. It was eating me up inside & making me a person that I really did not like, much less love. Eventually I began to understand that I needed to forgive those who mistreated me or allow the toxins of being continuously & unproductively, though rightfully angry destroy who I was. It was not an easy journey to do so but I was able to do it & I believe you can too.

Many may question how to forgive when you can’t forget. Others may feel those who mistreated them don’t deserve forgiveness. But, here’s the thing... you don’t have to forget. Just understand that every poor behavior comes from a place of pain. Let me use an example from your story.

You can forgive yourself in understanding that you reacted to those people in the only way you knew how. No, it doesn’t make it right because there were better ways to handle it that you didn’t know about, but it does make note that you were protecting places within yourself in which you felt vulnerable. People looking on the outside in don’t always know this.

Now, on the flip-side, those who bullied you most likely did what they did too to protect vulnerable places within themselves. Please hold on & allow me to finish the point before screaming, “Bulls*&$!”, if you’re inclined to do so.

Though perhaps similar, their vulnerabilities may not have been the same as yours but consider the bully who is physically abused at home, no one on the outside sees & yet they need to somehow reclaim a personal power they innately know is theirs to possess but they don’t know how to walk & live out that personal power correctly so they overbearingly control those they perceive as weaker than them. Because at home they are the weaker with no power.

I’m going to try not to keep typing, as this post doesn’t need to be a mini e-book. But I say all this to say, it’ll help tremendously to...

~~ Forgive yourself, for you knew not what you were doing in that you didn’t know how to handle things more appropriately then.

~~ Forgive them, for they knew not what they were doing in that they didn’t know how to handle things appropriately then.

Forgiveness doesn’t, let me repeat because many thinks it does, forgiveness does “not” make what was done OK or right. It only neutralizes the self-consuming angry rumination that does absolutely nothing to make what happened better; it can only cause harm to self &/or others, and it carries over the pain day after day, month after month, year after year.

May you find peace within you, in at the least considering, to work on Forgiving. It’s a Gift to yourself. A gift that allows you to move forward into your future & leave the past behind.

[JtimmyT in reply to CornerstoneSolidHope]

Thanks for your advice, it has helped me have a clear understanding within my thoughts and I am greatful for your reply,

I think I have a lot of paranoia inside of me, misunderstanding and overreaction which sometimes pop out in certain circumstances which I'm still trying to manage.

Thanks anyways.

[CornerstoneSolidHope in reply to JtimmyT]

You’re welcome. And, I understand. What you’ve gone through has put you on edge so to speak. Almost like having ptsd, perhaps & I hope, “not” severe. I believe you can overcome it as you continue to work through it.

It’s my hope for you that you quickly learn to discern between what’s bad for you & what’s good, in people. Its that ability that’ll help to give you more sense of safety & peace in certain circumstances vs others. & the others you can stay away from. It doesn’t mean trouble will never come but it’ll help you to minimize occurrences of some as you learn what to look for.

[Lizzypick]

Hi, we have all done things we regret including me. Please see a therapist, it helped me. Hold your head high, go out and live your life now... Not in the past! Remember, hold your head high, you are a new person. Good luck💖💖💖💖

[MariaLove123]

Awww Jimmy you are so hard on yourself. You were bullied and that creates so much insecurities. It also creates anger. They pushed your buttons over and over. Anyone would eventually snap. It’ll take some time for you to let the past go and be gentle on yourself. But, it’s going to happen. Anytime you feel something negative write something positive.

My hometown is like yours and everyone is in a career, married, having kids or traveling. I feel like such a loser. I was bullied by some mean girls and it was tough to get over. I’d rather be known for being nice than mean. I realized something. After my friend told me about how awful her husband is, I asked “Then why do you always post so nicely about him on Facebook? She said you never know what’s going on behind doors and it feels better to show off my fake life. So, nothing on Social Media means anything Jimmy.

Unfortunately, mental illness is really tough; an everyday battle. We can’t judge ourselves too harshly. Things we’ve done and do are symptoms and reactions to our illness. I’ve always been critical of my niceness and sensitivity; but they are actual gifts. These traits make us good people. Would we rather be a mean person who is probably unhappy anyway? Would we rather be known as a high school bully? They are so miserable I promise you. At least we can appreciate little things like laughter, a small accomplishment, even a hug! It’s bitter sweet this illness. But you have to work on being nicer to yourself Jimmy 💜

[CornerstoneSolidHope in reply to MariaLove123]

Absolutely MariaLove123, bullying can do that to people who are bullied, unless those who are bullied learn how to handle that type of treatment & how to have a strong genuine security within themselves so no matter how much another pushes buttons, it will not succeed at making them snap.

The same way we learn to deal with bullying is very similar to how we can recover from what happened when we didn’t know how to deal with it before. And, how we can handle it when bullying grows up from the playground into the places where it’s no longer called, but still technically is bullying: the bedroom as an abusive spouse or the boardroom as a overbearing unreasonable boss.

I want to encourage anyone though, whether a victim or a person who once did it & now regret it, you can see Positive Change in your life if you don’t give up seeking it in the right places. At times it may take trying good & wholesome techniques & practices you’ve been reluctant to try.

[Martin_Cahill]

I'm a bit wondering why are you so hung up on this community that has clearly mistreated you. I had the same experiences like you did, it was an easy escape route but I just left town. It was not worth it for me to stick around. When I left, I spent years becoming a new more confident version of myself and putting away all my bad memories in a lockbox inside my head. It was a completely fresh start, a complete reboot. I never had to worry about my past catching up with me. I'm a fairly quiet guy myself and when people used to bring that up, it made me squirm from ebarassment in my seat. I was convinced that there are some social norms I have to conform to and doing anything different is weird. I realised perhaps too late that every person exists as a distinct entity. I feel a lot more comfortable at staying quiet now, I speak only when I'm inclined and if someone asks me "why are you quiet all the time?", i just say "am I your pet monkey!?". I'm a bit late but I hope you managed to overcome this.Best of everything!