Just want to disappear

[brokensoul42]

I was doing some thinking the other day at work and figured out the phrase 'just want to disappear' sums up how I feel or my mentality or whatever. And as I thought about it, that sums up my life. I have always wanted to disappear. And I have this sense my disappearance would not be noticed.

I was a teenager in the early 1980s and even back then I wanted to disappear. I had a 'dream' in my head that I would get myself to Colorado and disappear into sparsely populated area of mountains and live off the land. I questioned my ability to learn to survive in such a way so I never actually did anything. Like I call it a 'dream', I was probably never serious about it.

To some degree or other, I've wanted to disappear since then. Even while I was in the military. I never really fit in with the military culture. Living and working the same people day after day is brutal for someone like me.

A few weeks ago, I was informed that my (and others) jobs will be going away next year. I dread the idea of looking for new employment with the intensity of a billion white hot burning suns. Again, my desire to disappear has increased immensely. But it's not just the employment deal but all of life and society that is leading to these feelings. All of the fake and phony people with all of the lies and nonsense. Too much noise; too much yelling. Even just too much talking (not enough listening). Too much hate and rage in society.

I feel as though I should go to work until my termination (I will be getting a retention bonus each month to stay on and then a severance that will be the equivalent of 6 more months of pay). Then I will settle up all of my debts and obligations. Then I will do nothing more than put a ruck sack on my back with my few earthly possessions, and start walking. Live on the road, live on the walking path. No destination. Just walking.

As I look around me, there is so much crap I will not miss. I might have a phone for emergencies but I will no longer be paying attention to anything. If the world wants to burn itself down, I refuse to be a part of it.

I don't post much here. Just kind of typed out the thoughts in my mind and it's not important to me to be read.

I wish the best for everyone whatever you may be going through.

That is all.

[mira99]

I know exactly how you feel, for the last few months I dream of the biggest eraser ever being used to just slowly erase me completely that’s what I want and imagining it happening actually makes me feel a bit better if it were possible I would be first in the queue. That would be my ideal solution I have no other

[kalinevada in reply to mira99]

Really?

[kalinevada]

Not to elaborate on but I just got through going through what you are describing and make sure you get medical psychological help and apply for disability sometimes you just got to say I need help.

[Hidden]

In my head, I am now making those notes of what I need to do before disappearing and what I would need to put in place, if I ever wanted to come back (though I can't imagine why I would). I mean, it can't cost THAT much to live in a 3rd world country, can it?

[SuZQ154]

So sorry you are sad and want to isolate. It seems understandable because your work environment sounds a bit toxic.

Getting away can be a good thing. We can grieve losses, relax, and regroup. It could give us time to clarify our next steps. However, if our feelings are depression, then getting help from others seems more beneficial than escaping. How would you describe your feelings?

What do you believe is the next best step?