So I know I been away for awhile. I’m going to give an update and have a little venting moment.
Work is going fine, I am happy to still be working during this time. It is keeping me some what sane. I want to make candles so next month I will be putting that into action so I am super excited about that. I have been working on myself more emotionally, spiritually, mentally, environmentally, and physically. It’s a challenge but I’m getting better. I have been talking to my therapist once week which still makes me feel a bit nervous but I love my therapist and we always have a wonderful hour talk with progression.
Now for the venting part:
I’m still working on getting over my break-up. It’s been 3 months since we have broken up. His birthday was May 4th and it was also my friend’s birthday so focusing on her made me forget about him BUT I still feel sad because it hurt me to have thoughts of him so happy so joyful when he left me even more traumatized in so many ways that I am left again for the millionth time to pick up the pieces and fix myself. I thought I was over crying about it but I cried today. I’m crying now because I still wish there was hope when I know I shouldn’t. I still wish I would wake up and he would be right there to give me a smile. I still wish that I would have that hand to hold or hug to fall into when I need someone to listen. It is okay, one day I will feel like me again and forget about him and remember how nice the world can be when you have yourself to give love and comfort to.
Thank you for reading I know it was a lot but I hope everyone is still doing okay during this time and if you are going through hard times I am so sorry and I pray you find peace, love, and support to get you through this.😊💖
Written by
Bray1567
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Your post was truly worth waiting for.🤗 I found it inspirational as you reminded me again that it's important to do something for yourself and even having a not so good day is okay when you are doing the best you can. 🐱
Hello! I'm glad you can find the words to vent about it! Does it help to get it out? I hope so!
Although I can't connect to your particular situation, I'm going to try to with mine.
I am part of another online community, in which I allowed myself to get very deeply involved in. This was a huge mistake apparently!! Although I was hurt (and am still being hurt), I am having a really hard time letting them go. (Sometimes being such a caring person can be such a curse).
Although a hard lesson to learn, I am slowly learning that I am not respecting myself by continuing in a place where I allow others to make me feel bad.
Your statement about being more traumatized and left to pick up the pieces really struck me because, although I haven't left my "relationship", I feel that way too! I used to be praised in my other group for being very caring and I was appreciated for my advice. Other members and I even had moments where we would joke with each other and it was nice! I think back to these moments and wonder what happened. Things went south about 8 months ago. Being so long ago you would think I would be over it...
It just goes to show that the only person we can really rely on is ourselves.
I've never made candles before. It sounds like a lot of fun! Is that part of what you do for work? I'm glad you're working on yourself. I recently took charge of my Bible study, having lead 3 groups so far! I really enjoy it. Seriously, I don't know what we'd do without Zoom software!! I'm glad therapy is going well. Mine is too (when I'm actually there. I accidentally missed yesterday's completely).
Thank you for being in touch and giving us an update. I am glad things are going well for you.
I can identify with what you are going through regarding your loss. I looked back then often and wished that relationship back with all the fondness and fun. It was for me a form of love. I am not saying our situations were exactly the same. I am also not saying that there are no decent, sincere and caring people who we can depend on to love and be there for us.
The reality for me was that what I thought I had with this person may not have been real at all. Not the way it was real or important to me. What was coming from him was what I thought was sincere caring. His actions eventually told me I was wrong. I do not think the person I became attached to, even knows what love really is and he even admitted that.
Nonetheless, it is terribly hurtful to watch someone go on with no obvious hurt, looking happy, laughing, and enjoying his time with others while we are left falling apart inside and picking up the pieces. It was devastating for me, yet far from that for him. Yet he was not a monster and not totally devoid of feeling.
I had known him for six years. Unfortunately our paths were crossing for a long time after it was over, so I experienced seeing him around often. That was very hard for me. The fact that he had so little concern for what he had done to me actually made me quite angry then. He had acted as if I was important yet discarded me casually as if I was nothing.
Many people who knew us were as confused as I was. It’s what is referred to as cognitive dissonance. I have not seen him for years now.
I think even though we want them to understand our deep hurt, they are not capable of empathy or understanding or caring very much at all. It’s the way they are and we can not change that.
However, I would not trade where I am now. A colleague once told me 10 or more years ago,” These people are not like you and I ! “ It did not make as much sense then as it does now. And I keep it in mind whenever I meet other people because we all need to realize who we choose to be close to in life. We need to take care of ourselves and give our love and trust wisely.
What you are going through is part of the process. It is up and down and back and forth. You don’t suddenly stop and never cry again. It has been over four years since it happened to me. If I cry now ( and I can ) the crying is all for me remembering how terribly sad and hurt I was. I can still feel that hurt in my chest. I will never forget it and I realize how important a lesson it was for me. It helped me to make sense of many things I have gone through since childhood with similar people.
I learned so much. If I had not met him, I am not sure I would have ever learned to value or love myself as I now do. I can even say that I am glad I got to know him. I do not think you stop loving someone like him. I sincerely wish him well. I certainly never wish to go through it again with anyone.
So I made sure I understood each side. I read a great deal to help myself figure it out. There were not many people who I could tell / talk to because you really had to have been there. I think I told you that I went on line. I hope this is not totally repetitious. I am writing from my heart here.
Although our situations seem different, they are really not so different.
I get it. Hang in there and have empathy for yourself .
As I reread what I had written to Bray, I was thinking it might be meant for you also. I am glad you saw it.
You will get through this . I know your little ones need you. Don’t ever give up. I know it is hard when you are hurting but maybe God has other plans for you in the future that you will come to know as this present time passes.
Thank you. Things seem bleak to me right now but maybe things will get much better as you say. It’s only 5:00 and I’m trying to get to sleep just because I don’t want to think or feel outside of a dream any longer. I cry because I really don’t feel that God is with me but I could be really off. Well thanks Poodie for everything.
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