Got Advice?

[Rayhashope97]

I stay with my mother and she has a boyfriend that I feel is toxic. Of course we didn’t see his toxicity at first because he masked it well. He yells about everything that doesn’t go his way and he’s very irrational and berating when it comes to other people’s shortcomings but always places blame elsewhere for his shortcomings. He speaks ill indirectly and in private to my mom but it’s always to complain about her kids. I would hold my tongue about how he speaks to my mom and what he says about my siblings and I to her. But the anger would always boil over and I’d lash out at him. I’m learning to manage my anger better but every time he yells I feel attacked. Recently all hell broke loose because I missed a tiny spot in the kitchen when I was cleaning it. In reaction to noticing the spot he called everyone in the house “lazy mother**” and started talking about how disrespectful it was and how he has to yell because “calm doesn’t work in this house” But it’s not just what he says that bothers me it’s the fact that my mother continues to allow this. When I bring up my frustration to my family, I’m told to calm down and just ignore him. Hearing that would make me feel guilty about being effected by this, like I’m the problem because I can’t just get over it. I’m just confused and angry most of the time I’m at home. Once I lashed out at her, packed everything I owned in plastic bags and left. I don’t have the resources to leave permanently and I wish I did. My home was once a safe haven for when I felt attacked out there in the world. My safe haven has been violated and I feel tossed around, unsettled, and not welcomed at home anymore.

[Hidden]

I think what would help you is to focus on what you can change and control. Your mom is going to make her own decisions no matter how wrong they might be. It doesn’t sound like things will change for you if you continue to live there. I suggest you work hard towards moving out and away from that bad environment. It won’t be easy but it’s a start. Id hate to see you struggle just because of some one else. Sending good vibes to you!!

[Rayhashope97 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you so much. I’ve really considered leaving but just like you said it won’t be easy and the thought of the difficulties scare me. I gotta push myself though because that environment just keeps getting worse

[Rayhashope97 in reply to Hidden]

And thank you so much I appreciate your feedback!

[Careyon]

Your emotions and feelings sound valid. Unfortunately we can't control others behavior, you can however control how you respond to it. Have you spoken to your mom about how you feel? Have you did a self check on how you're responding to your current situation? Are there steps you can be making toward getting out of this environment (if you're of age)? Prayer helps me when I'm felling out of control and frustrated with life. God has proven he hears me and that he won't put on me anymore than He and I can handle. Lean on Him for strength and ask Him to fix what you can't in your own power. Perhaps He's growing you in this area. Turn your focus inward and take action to move out of this situation. The small steps will give you hope that your situation is only temporary. I'll be praying with you.

[Rayhashope97 in reply to Careyon]

Hey thanks for responding. I have spoken to her and she claims he’s leaving but she said that a year ago. And I’ve also done multiple self checks. I don’t believe lashing out like before was my best reaction plus it always made me feel like he had power over me. I often just spend time outside my home with friends or with my boyfriend. It’s just that I miss the connection I had to my home and family and it’s been a struggle to deal with that. I pray for ways but idk if God hears me.

[Careyon in reply to Rayhashope97]

I'm glad you have at least brought your concern to your mom, but again you can't control her actions. She may leave, she may not. Please trust and have faith that God does indeed hear your prayers and loves you so much. Listen for His voice. He'll give you guidance through others, through an inner feeling, by ordering events in your favor, etc. I feel sometimes like He's far away also, but usually it's because I've moved far away from Him. I'll join you in prayer for God to show Himself to be oh so real to you.

[Rayhashope97 in reply to Careyon]

Thank you Careyon I needed to hear this today. God bless you

[dee_bells]

Sounds like her boyfriend is really disrupting the house. That can put any one on edge or uncomfortable.

Is your mom lonely? And is that why he’s there?

He sounds very angry. I would see what you could do to move out. I did whatever I could to move out of my moms house. I had 3 roommates.

Do you have headphones to put on? Music makes me happy. Be happy with your siblings and try to ignore the disruption. Hugs. 🌸🌸🌸🌸

[Rayhashope97 in reply to dee_bells]

Hello. I have no idea why he’s there they don’t even act like they’re in a relationship. They’re more like roommates. But I have considered saving up to move. It’ll just be a long process. And I do have headphones. I just wish there was more that I could do right now

[dee_bells]

Rayhashope97,

The best thing you can do is take care of yourself and cope the best you can. Don’t get sucked into his anger. If you miss a spot when cleaning, just clean it again to avoid an argument.

I watched my mother get married 3 more times after my mom and dad got divorced. And then my 3 siblings were shuffled off to my dad and evil step-mothers house every other Sunday.

Why your mom stays with her boyfriend is hard to say. Maybe she’s depressed, maybe it’s because of money or maybe she has low self esteem.

I sense you’re young and that’s okay 😁😁😁 but I’m a grandma now and when I graduated from high school I spent the entire night packing and in the morning I backed my car up to the house. I loaded my things into my car, my mom woke up and yelled out the window, “where are you going?” I’m moving out I hollered back. I stayed with my boyfriends’ family then got an apartment and roommates.

Our relationship was up and down but eventually I had a good relationship with my mom.

I thought my mom was abusive but looking back I believe she was under a lot of stress with 4 kids and my dad (her 1st husband) left her for another woman who was my evil stepmother.

I try to look at “why did my mom do that?” But as for your moms boyfriend, I’m not sure I would care but just tolerate him. And someday maybe you can have a talk with your mom regarding her choices.

Again, I don’t know your age but there’s a saying I’ve heard that a child should not deal with adult matters. Are you 21? Just guessing from the 97 after your name. So you’re a young adult. It’s hard these days to move out—but take care of you—you’re not there to take on your mother’s burdens. Again take care of you and I’ll check in later. 😁😁

[Rayhashope97 in reply to dee_bells]

Hey thank you so much for responding ☺️. And I’ve gotten better with not getting sucked in. When I hear him yelling I just focus on my breathing, I meditate, and if i can’t remain calm inside the house I’ll go outside and walk. I have a dog now so I go outside more often. What do you think I should when I have company over? Yesterday he started yelling at my mom omg front of all my friends and it was really embarrassing for me but I pretended that it didn’t bother me. And I am now 21 I celebrated this past weekend 😁 thank you so much for the advice!

[Rayhashope97]

UPDATE: thank you all so much for the advice I appreciate everyone’s input. I’m getting better with not getting sucked into his anger. When he starts yelling can still feel myself getting annoyed and anger but as of lately I’ve been reminding myself that I don’t have to be consumed by my anger. I can just let it pass and it does 😌 even if it takes a while or feels like forever, it passes. And when I do get sucked in I try to show myself some compassion. It gets hard sometimes but I’m a work in-

progress. I haven’t talked to my mom recently about it but maybe later on down the line we will talk. Thank you all again so much

[dee_bells in reply to Rayhashope97]

Happy Birthday! Sounds like you found a few things you can cope with. We all learn lessons from are parents should you have your own children someday. I always told myself that “I’m doing that to my kids.” One good thing my mom did was—she gave two of her husbands the boot when one became abusive and the third husband didn’t like my autistic sister.

And when your friends come over have a Plan B ready should the boyfriend start yelling. Can you go outside? Sit outside for awhile? It would be sad to lose friends because they were afraid of the yelling.

Good luck and I’m glad you have a dog too!

😁😁😁

[Rayhashope97 in reply to dee_bells]

Thank You! As far as my relationship goes with my mom, she knows that I just want to see her happy and I think she deserves better. But she has made her choices and it's her life. I'm bingeing to fully accept that. Me and my friends would've been outside had it not been for the rain. I was just so embarrassed to have to sit there and not know what to say that would answer their confused and concerned facial expressions. Thank you again and best wishes to you as well!