The past two months for me and my boyfriend have been rough to put it simply. I find myself paying most of all the bills because he irresponsibly quit his job on a whim and it took time for him to transition to his new one. Now he’s working again but the money is cut in half and he doesn’t seem to care. I have a lot of financial stress on me without his bills to worry about and mental health issues that make it incredibly difficult for me to work. My mother will have passed a year on halloween so to put it shortly, i’m having a rough year with my depression as i go through cycles of grief, i get up every morning at 6am to go to work where i work an 11 hour shift monday through friday and he only works half of the hours i do in one week yet expects to have extra money for him to spend and therefore relies on me paying half of his bills and sometimes more, we’ve only been together about six months and i just dont think it’s fair that i have to pay my personal bills and his just because i live with him, we did not get this apartment together and he was paying his bills fine before he met me but now he’s unloading this huge financial strain onto me to where i have to put my needs like doctors and therapy to the side because sometimes i cant afford it because of all the bills i’m paying. I come home from working 11 hours to the house a downright mess, i take the trash out EVERY TIME, which i have no issue with taking it out but not EVERY SINGLE TIME, he is old enough to know that if the trash is spewing a disgusting odor and it’s overflowing that he needs to take it out, instead i’ll come home and it’s waiting for me along with the rest of his filth. I’m 21 and he’s 23, i thought dating someone older would be better but he’s just as immature and irresponsible as the men i dated when i was 18, not to mention he has a nasty drug and alcohol problem, i didn’t know this until a few months deep in the relationship, he drinks every day, and when he does, the slightest of indifference will turn him verbally abusive and he goes into a rage, he has never physically harmed me but his words hurt all the same, and all of these things has made me downright resent him to the point where i recently stopped having the desire to have sex with him. I dread him coming home from work and having to look at him or even sleep next to him. Because of this our sex life has decreased over the past two weeks and thursday night I found out he was face-timing multiple women at night while i was asleep. I picked him up from a court ordered drug class thursday evening (before i went through his phone) and he was normal, about thirty minutes after we got home he started acting extremely high. My mother was addicted to xanax before she died and her death was a result of an accidental overdose. He knows this and still decided to take two xanax bars that evening and think i wouldn’t notice. He was so inebriated that he sent another girl our address to come over even though i was in the room with him. He started falling over off the bed from dozing off and was repeating his call center script while doing so. I immediately started to have a panic attack and went into the living room crying my eyes out because his behavior reminded me of my mother and it triggered my ptsd. I go back in the room and he’s fallen asleep with a lit cigarette in his mouth on the bed. Thank god I took it and threw it out along with all the alcohol in the house. He woke up and randomly gave me his phone password, i took the opportunity to see why a girl i never heard of was texting him and that’s when i discovered he had been talking to over 8 women behind my back in the past two weeks. I told him i had caught him and proceeded to pack my things so i could leave, for three hours he begged me not to go, i was up all night arguing with him trying to get him to lay down because he was still intoxicated beyond belief. He eventually left in an uber to spend the night with his drug addict friend, i begged him to stay home, i hid my keys so he couldnt take my car but he left in an uber, i stayed at the house since he wasnt there and my job is ten minutes away and I had to get up at 6am and it was already 4am when he finally left. I ended up calling out of work and i woke up the next morning and checked his phone location to make sure he was still safe and it says he’s at the jail. I drive to the jail and wait SIX HOURS for them to release him into my custody because he was arrested for public intoxication, he’s already on probation, i’m crying, i’m stressed, i’m numb all at one time. When he is released to me HE IS STILL INTOXICATED, he comes out of the jail hardly walking on his own. I take him to get food, and we go home, i thought FINALLY he’ll sleep it off and wake up sober, that didn’t happen. He begged me to let him go back to his friends house but i told him he could not drive my car because he was clearly still high. All in all he had taken over 6-8 xanax bars from 6:30pm thursday evening to what was now 7pm the next day, as well as drinking on top of it. He screamed at me for an hour about how he wasn’t intoxicated and even started juggling and doing flips in our living room to prove a point. I still would not let him drive, he continued to verbally abuse me the entire ride to his friends house and when we got there his friend tries to sneak him more xanax even after i told him everything i’d been through the past 48 hours, we leave and i throw the xanax out the window and speed off, he jumps out of my moving car to go back and look for them so i call his mom again because i have no idea what to do with this grown man whom i cant control, she comes and gets him and i go home, i’m exhausted, i hadn’t slept any, i hadn’t ate, i was under constant duress for 48 hours and my body physically shut down, i could not feel my limbs, i felt like i was floating and in return it triggered a panic attack to where i thought i was dying, his mom had him for about two hours yelling at him and when he gets home at 2am HE IS STILL INTOXICATED, he tries to drink and i somehow manage to get him in the bed and he falls asleep almost instantly, i think THANK GOD THE NIGHTMARE IS OVER, he will wake up and feel awful about everything he has put me through and will apologize and maybe never want to do drugs again, i’m naive to say the least. HE WOKE UP TODAY STILL INTOXICATED. He was furious with me that I was accusing him of still being incoherent, and that i wouldn’t give him the alcohol he bought the night before and he threw things, punched things, and went into a rage, he told me to get out and to never come back, which oddly relieved me, i didn’t hesitate to start packing my things which he so kindly tried to help with as he threw my things at me and cleared them out of the closet. As i’m packing he comes back crying almost telling me not to leave, he starts put my things back into drawers and telling me i just cannot leave him. At this point i’m just doing anything to keep him safe, basically babysitting him, so i take him to ihop upon his request, he pays for it shockingly as his way of making up the last three god awful days, which i of course don’t think is okay, we get home and i finally buy him the movie he’s been going on about watching the entire time he’s been on this drug binder, if you can’t see the pattern, i’m basically at this point doing anything to just keep him sane and inside the house not trying to escape and do/get more drugs to continue this agonizing high, he slept from 3pm until 8pm and he was still clearly not all the way there, i convinced him to go back to sleep because he has work tomorrow and surprisingly he is sleeping now, i dont know what to do, i’m praying he wakes up completely sober tomorrow because i can’t handle another day of this. He owes his dusty friend money and we have bills coming up, but of course he doesn’t care because he expects me to handle everything for him! I’m his safety net and he doesn’t think like he’s on his own vs. me who never ever lets a thought of “i’ll just depend on this person for money” i always make sure i have my end covered because i know better than to rely on people, i like to have my bases covered even if i had a husband who bought me everything in the world, i would still make sure i had the money i needed for my necessities, he does not think this way! He knows i’ll help him out and therefore doesn’t work hard enough to save or earn more money. I want to pack all of my things and leave while he’s at work, i just don’t see how i can ever recover from this. I have only been staying sane because i’m used to this kind of abuse and trauma, my body and mind has blocked it out for the moment so i can get through it properly, i love him and i want to be with him, but logically i know that this is a toxic relationship and he has gone off the deep-end, i want to leave but i want to stay, i want him to somehow convince me that this will never happen again so i can believe him, but my rational brain is telling me that i need to go back home to my family. What do i do when he wakes up and goes to work tomorrow? What if he wakes up and is STILL out of his mind? Part of me wishes i’d left him in jail, but i love him and sometimes we do incredibly stupid self harming things for the people we love. He was an amazing partner before he quit his previous job, everything went downhill from there, is it naive of me to think he’ll go back to that person? He has worsened as time goes by, will this experience open his eyes or will he likely go right back on a drug binder next thursday when he has work off? Idk, thank you if you read this far.
my boyfriend went off the rails - Anxiety and Depre...
my boyfriend went off the rails
Please go home to your parents. Please get out of this. The trauma you are exposing yourself to will have long term effects you can’t see now. You’ve got to leave ASAP.
kay25x, I firmly agree with Strongheartforever. Your boyfriend needs professional help. All the love you have for him is not going to do it. He's addicted to living on the edge. You don't really want see where that takes him. Protect yourself by getting out. We want to keep you safe. xx
Hello sweetness what a horrible situation your in at such a young age youve got to seriously think do i really deep down do i want this life style i think its time to branch out theres nothing you can do if he doesnt want help and your just enabling him to carring on acting this way i think its time to leave and get your life back and stop being a victim of this self centred man who is clearly beyond help without him going himself to seek help leave for your own sanity love x
Ditch this piece of crap clearly you are saying you don't even feel attraction for him. He's cheating on you. He just wants you around for financial stability instead of thinking about what's best for him you really need to take care of yourself. Please do you both a favor and leave. He will throw bargains and please at you. Don't listen or just leave when he's out one day. Don't let him use you. It's only been 6 months. Not 6 years. Your arnt losing much by leaving him
Hi kay25x,
He is not a nice person and I think you should cut your losses and get away from him. I’m sorry but he sounds like a mooch, deadbeat and abuser. Honey, he is taking advantage of you and your generosity. To leave him would be the best thing for your health and mental health. Be selfish, take care of you because he’s not thinking of you. Please do this.
And keep us updated on how you’re doing. Take care of you. Many hugs, Dee
🌸🌸🌸🌸
PLEASE GO BACK TO YOUR FAMILY. Please. I can’t stress this enough. This guy is a loser and cruel. You are far too kind and good to stay with him. He’s never going to change and you deserve so much better. Please, leave him. Xx
Hi sorry have to say it but my advice is ditch him asap and move on. He wants to be a little boy again and be looked after, so unless you fancy being his surrogate mother get out and find yourself a real man. x
He doesn't deserve you. Have some respect for yourself and dont be afraid to be by yourself. This is not what love is supposed to be like and you'll hurt yourself and enable him by staying in that situation.
Get out and don’t look back!
Okay - pack your stuff now and leave. Go to a friend, a motel, a shelter, wherever. You cannot fix him. He has to fix himself; from my extensive experience, that won’t be anytime soon. Thank God you’re not married or have kids with him.
You are 21 years old with so much life ahead of you. Please don’t waste another day on this guy.
You say you love him. Why?
Take a piece of paper , draw a line down the middle and label one side “positive” and the other “negative “ and list what you do and don’t like/love/respect about him. Do you love him, or what you hope your relationship could be?
Please trust me- I’m a lot older than you and I’ve been through similar situations. Don’t waste your time. Life has no rewind button.
May I say something as an older person? Please get out- this is your LIFE you are talking about. Go back to family, friends etc. You are NOT his mommy. You do not want to look backwards in life, and have serious regrets. He is not even your husband- you have no real connection. Please be kind to yourself, and know that there are better people and situations in life for you. At 21 I do not know what kind of job you have- but you are barely starting out in life. In fact- research has shown that the human brain does not fully gel until age 25! Be that as it may- get out and continue your life on a positive path- sometimes people come along and take advantage of people when they are at a low point. It sounds like this is what is happening. Do not set out with an attitude of " He's really good- I'll prove them wrong." This happens all of the time to people. Please be kind to yourself, and if you need help- call family, friends, or even a crisis line. You do not want to be in anymore danger. Please let us know how you are doing.
PS- He is a LOSER- and you are a winner- use the rational, logical side of you.
Ultimately you will need to decide if you leave or if you stay. The reality is things likely will not change. When drugs and alcohol are involved there is no chance this person will meet your expectations. Either change your expectations or more on.
Sorry I stopped reading 1/3 of the way down (no disrespect to you ) but you are with a classic LOSER. Your only 6 months into dating this LOSER you should make a stand and get him out real quick. He brings ZERO to the table in a positive way, everything about him is negative. Trust me it will only get a lot worse as time keeps ticking. Your doing the best you can financially. After you get rid off this problem maybe look for an apartment that’s affordable that you can manage on your own. Best wishes
She stays with him. So she has no responsibility to his place. Just pack up and go
If I may ask, why are you living with him?
Leave. He obviously has addiction issues. He is not working. You are supporting him, why?
He sounds like he is well beyond “off the rails” at this point, and possibly dangerous.
Leave now!
After you leave- you might want to read about co dependent relationships- they are not happy or healthy. Do this as a favor to yourself.
Drop him like a fly
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