first time here, depression

[sub06]

I've been dating my boyfriend for the past 4 years, but I've known him almost all of my life. He recently got a job which requires traveling and being away for sometimes a month a time. During his recent trip, he went out with some coworkers after work and told me it would be one drink, which I knew wouldn't be true. He is a social drinker and loves beer like the rest of his family. After 3 hours he told me he was headed home. After his text, I feel asleep for an hour and woke up with no phone call or text saying he made back home safely. I tracked his phone and he was nowhere near where his house was. I was terrified, my heart sunk; the worst thoughts were racing through my head thinking he was murdered on the sidewalk and dumped by the river. I couldn't reach him for half an hour and when I finally got in contact, it was a policeman who answered his phone and told me they found him passed out drunk on a sidewalk. I was shocked but glad he was okay. I told the police the address of his house and they dropped him off. But I got no call from him when he reached his house. I stayed up late worried, calling and texting to make sure he was okay but there was no answer. I kept thinking he was dying of alcohol poisoning or choking on his throw-up. After 2 hours of worrying I called the local police and they told me a medic had checked him out before they left him. After that I had peace and finally went to sleep.

The next day, I talked to him about it and he said he didn't know how he felt so wasted after only 2 beers. He said he didn't think he ate enough (which is strange for me because I've seen him drink 6 beers like it was water). He told me he doesn't think he was drugged because he felt normal or believed he would feel different if he was. I went from being worried about him, to relieved he was alive, to disappointment in his judgment, to now numb. Depression runs in my family and although some have opted for medication, I felt I'm not quite there yet, but after this I am considering. It's been 3 days since this incident and I keep thinking how he could've died. My boyfriend feels ashamed and disappointed in himself and wants to work this out with me but I don't know if I can get over it. I feel like I'm over-reacting, but I don't know how to deal with this situation. I cry myself to sleep every night and wake up the next day going to work and feeling numb. Is it normal to feel like this?

[littleorange8]

i had this same issue with my boyfriend in the past many times - where he got home after work and went to sleep without letting me know he was home (which he usually does). i got so worried during these times and cried myself to sleep thinking he might have been in an accident. i also texted some of our mutual friends to ask if they know if he was okay.

i think it is good that your boyfriend at least feels disappointment in himself (and thus will probably be more aware the next time and try to improve). personally, mine just yelled at me for calling so many times and told me not to contact his friends again.

[sub06 in reply to littleorange8]

Thank you for your response! It makes me feel so much better that I’m maybe being too much of a worry wart. Especially since he’s owning up to the problem.

He has communication problems with me where he’ll not tell me where he’s going or when, especially when he’s away. This incident just blew me off the moon into space with worry.

[AZ1970]

My guess is that you have lost someone in the past. Forgive me if I am wrong. He made a mistake. He feels bad and wants to improve. Thank God he was found and got home safely. Perhaps focus on the positives of the situation. He did not to this TO you. You were connected to the event. You were scared and concerned. But it was not something he did on purpose to cause those things for you. If you have lost someone in the past, perhaps you have not been able to completely work through that trauma. It sounds like you got very scared and your mind went to the worst case scenarios. My mind does the same thing. But those things did not happen. He is safe. So are you. Sending a big hug!

[sub06 in reply to AZ1970]

Thank your for your love and concern! I haven’t lost someone, I think I just care too deeply. My grandma says I’m a sensitive soul. My boyfriend is notorious for not communicating what he’s doing or when so this incident hit me hard.

You’re right. I do need to focus on the positive. I feel uplifted from your advice. I can’t explain how much better I feel, thank you so much!

[AZ1970 in reply to sub06]

I am glad I was able to help. You sound so much better.

[Rpan]

I would say this is normal as your relationship with him has changed drastically. I had a similar situation with an ex, I had to let that relationship go, it was too much for me to manage, constantly second guessing her whereabouts, I had trust issues.

[sub06 in reply to Rpan]

Sometimes I feel like that about him; whether if this relationship is worth saving. It’s a constant push and pull. If my heath starts to be effect too much, I’ll have be strong and let go like you.

[Rpan]

Pain certainly is a motivating factor, to stay or to go. The question is are you capable of having a long distance relationship, for lack of better words to use? That’s an easy answer. For me it was a no go. Understand though we all have these feeling”is this the right or wrong relationship” I’ve been married for 20 years and I often wonder is this healthy or not, especially when such emotional pain is involved.