I'm new here but now I don't feel so alone.

[Ayla-Kat]

Hello! I've been struggling with depression and anxiety ever since I was a teenager. I push through the years, fighting until just Can't hold it together and I break down, slowly to emerge to get back up from the abyss. I've always felt so alone in my life because I never could tell people how I really feel. I don't want to burden them. Plus, I can't trust people who have never experienced depression or anxiety. I don't know many people who experience what anxiety or depression. Everyone around me seems so put together, so perfect. I feel so many things like loneliness, fear, sensitive, fragile or numb. The feelings that seem so elusive to me are contentment, joy and happiness. Luckily, a laugh or chuckle may surprise me if I listen to the right comedian.

I'm grateful to have found this place because now I can release and share my biggest sorrow. I've loved my best friend ever since I was 15. We have been friends for so many years and I have always been there for him. My love for him has always been unrequited. But I truly believe he loves me in his own way. It doesn't help that there were glimpses of more throughout the years. However, I will never be his wife or girlfriend. Always the best friend. I accept that... It doesn't mean that it is a painful realization. I

In the last 5 years, he got a girlfriend. I am the complete opposite of her. Our friendship hasn't been the same ever since. I've liked some of his past girlfriends, but not this one.I find her narcissistic, vapid, selfish and thinks she knows everything. My best friend doesn't see this and makes excuses for her inconsiderate behavior because he says that she is used to being the center of attention. That she doesn't know any better. I get it! She is beautiful on the outside, but inside she is horrible. One time, she made fun of me for being friendly with the President of a local biker club. I think she was jealous because he didn't pay any attention to her. In fact, I have social anxiety.

A couple of months ago, I went on vacation with my best friend and traveled around for two weeks. In my head, I knew these were the last days I would spend with him. I was going to walk away and disappear. I couldn't go on seeing him. It was too painful to be around him and his girlfriend.

So I moved away without a trace. He called me but I told him that I just can't speak to him because I am going through a transition.

I see him haunt me on Instagram with his posts of having fun. While, I am alone and have lost my best friend. I'm so depressed. I think the day I will get over it will be the day I take my last breath.

I finally have a place to release my grief because it's been residing in my heart for so many years.

Thank you for listening-

😻Ayla Kat

[Michael8072]

Hi Ayla-Kat. I'm new here to and happy to be able to share things that I've bottle up for such a long time. For the same reasons as you. Not wanting to burden anyone. I don't have many friends and I about a year ago my best friend and I stopped talking. And it still hurts me to this day. Some of the things I used to love. I don't really enjoy much anymore cause of the memories it just brings back. Like sporting games. In every sport we liked different teams and in each sport it was a rivalry and we'd bust each other's chops and have fun with it. And now when those teams play each other theres just this feeling I get in the pit of my stomach and a sadness. She had a bf for much of our friendship but they started to break up and we didn't live close by plus I wanted to give her some time before telling her my real feelings. But I waited to long and she started seeing someone new and talking about it. Well when I visited her at the end I couldn't keep it in any more and told her. And it was too late she was with someone else and the friendship wasnt the same and she stopped talking to me.

I know what your going through and its not easy. I hope things get better for you and know that your not alone. It helps me knowing thos as I've always felt alone and at times still do. Thank you for listening to my speel. I hope this helps you to know your not alone!

This is the first time I've ever said that to anyone. It feels good to air it out. I've been keeping it in for so long. I just wish I didn't feel this way. I miss my sports.

Sometimes I wish I didn't say anything to her but idk if i could have kept it in any longer. I guess I'll never know if i said something earlier if things would be different or not.

[Ayla-Kat in reply to Michael8072]

Hello, Michael. I am glad that we both were able to whisper our grief out from our hearts. I shed some tears reading your story. I imagined you and her. And I felt sad that you were sad that the things that brought you joy bring sadness.Unrequited love is so painful. It eats away at you, making you feel that you aren't good enough. But we have to remind ourselves it is not true. It is out of our control. Missed opportunities, if only. Why does fate work this way?

There is this Elliott Smith song that I love. The lyrics says " I wish I never seen your face." I wouldn't be in so much pain if that happened. Guess we will have to tuck them away in our pocket.

There is a School of Life animation about Why Exes can't be friends. It is comforting. I suggest you watch it.

I struggle a lot with life. I'm too sensitive too sentimental. Thanks for being a friend. I am here to listen. It helps me too. Take care.we are not so alone now. 😻Ayla-Kat

[Michael8072 in reply to Ayla-Kat]

Thank you for sharing your story. It made it a little easier for me to share mine. I'm also too sensitive and sentimental as well. It's a curse and a gift!! Anytime you want to share I'm here to listen as well! And yes we are definitely not alone! I'll listen to the song when I get home from work. And let you know what I think. It sounds like it could be a good song. I hope your having a good day/evening! Take care my friend.

Michael

[Michael8072 in reply to Ayla-Kat]

I listened to the song. Thank you! It's tough thinking about it that way cause on one hand I always look forward to sharing my day with her. If i didn't have her who would I have shared my days with. But if i knew then what I know now that she wouldn't be in my life. I don't know if i'd want to deal with the pain again. It's been over a year. You'd think I'd be over it. I'm okay. It's just all the reminders. It just sucks.

I hope your having a good day.

[Ayla-Kat in reply to Michael8072]

Hi, Michael. I replied to you but I accidentally posted it under you and replied to my myself. Thanks for the well wishes. I appreciate it. Just read the reply under your post.

[Hidden]

Hiya. I am sure you will find your own happiness in time. True contentment has to come from within, because we are not in control of the lives of others and good and bad things happen in life. You have definitely done the right thing by moving on, because the past is exactly that. We only have the present. You are certainly not alone here, as more people than you would ever imagine suffer anxiety. Some people are just better at hiding it - probably those people who seem to have perfect lives ! Be kind to yourself.

[Ayla-Kat]

Hello, Sebastian. Thank you for those kind words of encouragement. You are so right about finding inner happiness and contentment. It is difficult when you rely on others for happiness. That is why I decided to move and see how to find peace. It's hard when you have a brain that is addicted to another person to bring them joy.

I read your introduction. You are kind and sensitive. I'm glad that you have a dog companion. They are wonderful balls of unconditional love. I'm sorry you couldn't go to San Francisco to be a hippy. You can still be a hippynow. Perhaps take a vacation and be someone else without judgement.

I'm glad there are people like you in the world. You are kind, intelligent and compassionate. I hope your health gets better. I hope you are enjoying your time. I am here to listen and be supportive.i am grateful to find others.Ayla-Kat

[Hidden]

Hi Ayla.

I’m so glad you were able to share here. I know it helps.

I wanted to say welcome to you and empathy...

It’s good to know we are not alone

All good wishes x

[Ayla-Kat in reply to Hidden]

Thank you, Olivia. It's good to know that people like you are here to care and support.

Have a wonderful day!

[Hidden in reply to Ayla-Kat]

Your most welcome x

[Madison10]

Hi Ayla-Kay

You are not alone. Most people are struggling with something in their lives. I suffer from depression and I am on medication. Do you see a Therapist? It is difficult to find anyone to talk about depression especially if they don’t understand it. It is helpful to be on this site and talk about yourself with no judgement.

Did you ever tell your friend how you feel? It’s hard to lose a friend. People come in and out of our lives all through are lives. Some stay for a while and some pass through. You will find a lot of people on this site helpful and sympathetic.

[Ayla-Kat in reply to Madison10]

Thank you, Madison. I think I get more talking to people like you and others online. I've been to therapists. They are no help. They give you advice that I can find on YouTube. I have more breakthroughs with a helpful book

Thank you for the support. Yes, my friend knows. It is an understood thing between us. But he would rather keep me as a friend. More like a consolation prize because he knows I am always there.

Thank you for your good thoughts. I'm glad to be around others who understand.

[Madison10 in reply to Ayla-Kat]

I do understand about the therapist not being helpful. It is like every profession. There are some bad ones. I recently had that experience and it ended badly and even though I have insurance they co payments are too high.

It must be hard being around your friend when he has other girlfriends. I think you are just hurting yourself. You may want to step back and decide what is best for you

[hurtingheart1]

Hi Ayla-Kat I just was reading your posts and can relate to what youve shared!! I to had a close friend at 15 -a first love💞who - I lost- it's hard to share on here and Not sure if I can totally but -l felt such a connection to him- hard to explain and it was such a formative time and was in my life quite long time so was tough that it wasn't meant to be even though I thought I loved him it seemed doomed to never work so I forced myself to move on not to care to tell myself not to love him my brain did this but my heart stubbornly never seemed to want to let go??? Anyway each time I'd see him with some other girl it was very painful but also he looked like a fool and he made the people(girls) he was with look like fools- guess it's what he wanted so what can you do!! And I realized sadly he wasn't a worthy, healthy person for me to be with anyway and that who wants to be with someone who doesn't know how to love you back the way you deserve !!! I've felt so stupid over years not being able to let it go tho, why it had such a hold on me?? Anyway I to am very sentimental and sensitive so it is hard for me to relate to many people! I have a very good new friend in my life now but we do think very different so I still find it hard to connect and relate but they try so that's important!! but ya still wanting & need to find others I am kindred with and can connect with!! I appreciate you sharing and I just want to say I hope you're finding some peace and joy in life!! you mentioned if you listen to right comedy to can hav a laugh? which comedians hav made you laugh??

[Ayla-Kat in reply to hurtingheart1]

Hello, Hurting Heart. It's nice to be able to relate to someone. I know what you mean by not getting over it. He was part of my formative years and he will always feel like home to me. I had to come to a realization like you and it meant moving on even though it hurts so bad. You are brave to come up with that insight. It is very mature to know that they won't be able to provide that love and you are better off.

Im glad you have a new friend. Not everyone is going to relate or be like you. They won't fulfill certain parts. You have to find other pieces to fill those parts.Whether it be other people, yourself, activities or a higher source.

One book that helped me a lot is The journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson. I highly recommend it.

Thank you for sharing your story. Feel free to reach out! I enjoy helping people.

hugs

😻 Ayla-Kat