Heart is breaking, so confused

Earlier this year I had an amazing, supportive boyfriend that I could foresee spending the rest of my life with. He was like a drug; I have agoraphobia and he could get me in the car to go to the store and half way there announce we were going somewhere 2 hours away, I had no klonopin or anything to calm me but with him, I was fine. He is long distance (3000 miles) so it was rough. When he left from a visit in late February he said he was working for his boss being on vacation, so extra hours, and increasing ignored me more. I suspected alcoholism, when I brought it up he lashed out at me and things worsened.

The pattern became he ignored me, no calls, texts, emails, ignoring mine: this lead me to have too much time to think - alone - and think the worst. When I finally asked if I was single; he said "I dont know." There was never an officially "dumping," but he made it clear in email he'd like for me to leave him alone.

I was so devastated the depression lead to multiple days of overdosing to the point I couldnt function, fell on gravel trying to go outside, falling downstairs and breaking bones; I attempted calling our emergency crisis unit team for help one night and they recommended I watch a movie and try to sleep. My laptop will play movies sequentially and I woke to his favorite. I put on his face dress, wrote him a letter (I have no friends or family) and took 3x the meds I'd been overdosing on. His name is also carved in my wrist and thigh. Definitely not healthy.

The next am I had a therapy appointment I missed. I didnt answer the phone so crisis came to the home. I fell down the stairs and face planted at the bottom to answer the door. I had no choice, I was taken to the hospital, 10 days in psych following medical clearance.

He hasnt acknowledged my existence since. I tried saying happy birthday and to tell him I was sorry, it wasnt about him dumping me that sent me to that extreme it was me, my inability to feel anyone could love me due to the depression and PTSD. I've missed him tremendously but I've not heard from him at all. I feel like a "hit it and quit it".

However I learned a few days ago a mutual friend of ours had been lying about some pretty serious info. I'm in a new relationship now, or was until last night. My bf was on my phone and this friend insinuated I had many lovers, he said he worked for dept of defense and if he hurt me, he'd report him as a security threat.... but I KNOW he works in construction. With my ex he reported constant cheating with girls we both knew. He gave detailed plausable accouts that hurt so much I could never confront my ex as it hurt so much. Instead I'd get angry and blow up at him about not being the person I thought he was, how he was a liar and cheater. Of course he'd never entertain that. Worse is this friend saw me going down hill and knew I was contemplating suicide. He didnt try to help me, he continued listing lies about my ex. I may not be as bad as I was if it wasnt for this "friend" and that hurts immensley."

Because it involved my ex I felt he should be aware. I took screen shots of areas of which my ex was mentioned. He did respond and told me he doesnt play the game the chat was spoken in so dont email him again.

I did, though. I explained it's not just in game. In emails as well he painted my ex a monster and this caused me to unfairly blow up at him and cause him grief he did not deserve. It was merely an apology, and I would honor his request to leave him alone.

Then I got confused. He just said leave him alone and I said I would. And he wrote a bit about how he never read past emails because they have to do with our past and he knows they'll hurt him because I blame him for everything and he cant handle it. He also offered the info that he quit drinking and is working alot.

I told him I'm happy for him. It was hell for me to get sober that's a huge accomplishment. But I told him, no. I dont blame him, I blame me. I explained how my head works against me and I push away, course working on this in therapy. I told him he did nothing wrong, I hate myself. I hate myself so much I'd be 100% uncomfortable if it meant his happiness. I made the mistakes. I explained I think hes a phenomenal person, funny, sweet, caring and any woman would be beyond lucky to have him. I then promised again to leave him alone; cried like a baby, and watched my boyfriend leave me.

I'm confused by my exes subtle actions. "Dont email me" but then 'conversing'. And then he offers subtle little bits about quitting drinking, working more and such.

Does this mean anything? Is this how an ex says I hate you after 4 months apart? Did he just need time? Was it a test? I can understand "hey I get this bothers you, but can we not talk about anything related to our relationship?" Or is he really being a jerk and messing with my head because he knows I love him and have a boyfriend? (Had)

Any suggestions appreciated. I could never understand him

[hypercat54]

Hi I wouldn't even try and understand him as it's clear he is history. What you need to do is concentrate on what you want now and think only of your own feelings. You seem to have given your ex all your power and it's now time to reclaim it and move on.

As for that mutual friend - words fail me. Make him an ex friend immediately! Stay away from toxic people and do not rent room in your head to them. x

[IheartDogs]

If you want honest advice, do not waste any more of your energy or time on these toxic people. You have to trust your gut and know that if it doesn't feel right then it's not. It's a shame when good people second-guess themselves and question their actions when in reality it's the toxic people who are the problem. Please wash your hands of them. You deserve much better. We're here to support you💙

[Hidden]

I was agoraphobia for fourteen years. Don’t give up! It isn’t easy I know to overcome. Keep fighting.

[Hidden]

Hello BelleKitty!

Since he has asked you to leave him alone, I would do just that. I wouldn’t read anything into the conversation you had with him. Let him go and move forward. That would be the healthy thing to do for both of you. Love is confusing! Let it go, my friend! Wishing you the best!! 🌷🙂🌷

[Tedddy]

I agree with these other comments, it's time to let that ex and these toxic people go. If I were you, I'd take some time to gain some stability by yourself first before getting into a new relationship. It sounds like you have some trauma to deal with concerning this last relationship, so jumping into a new one probably isn't best. I know it's cliche' to say "work on yourself first, learn to be happy by yourself first," but I can tell you from my own experience, that this is vital. The only way to avoid codependence is to learn to be stable on your own two feet first. That way, if relationships end, it doesn't destroy your emotions like a tidal wave. It sounds like you are a strong and caring person, just try to channel some of that love and care onto yourself right now. That's what I'd do.