Ik i should probably end this but i can't

[Against_the_current]

What mom said was haunting me. Since i was born she was a slave, she couldn't live, she was working and serving me, from me she just wanted to calm down and not burden her more. How when i had anxiety alone, then dad yelled at me for my leg, then she scolded me and on top of that my boyfriend is hallucinating and planning suicide. He's dutch and there drugs and crime were normal. His ex got him off balance and he got insomnia and then hallucinations and then chance to lose his job in Bulgaria and therefore having to go back to the Netherlands and he doesn't want that. I don't want that. He really said, i begged all night. Mom probably thinks i had fun on my phone. Then my battery died for 1 minute. 1 minute and he thought i left, that i was able to leave. And fortunately fell asleep and texted me this morning. So grateful he slept and is alive. He's in different city and im at mom's with sprained leg. Ik that's bad for me but seeing him with someone else would kill me. Also I'm all alone all day, with problems, i need someone to talk to. Yes, i begged him to get help and send him the emergency number.

[SoporRose]

Your mom chose to keep you. She could have put you up for adoption. She could have put you in daycare and pursued a career. She CHOSE to be an active parent and no matter how she casts that choice now, I suspect she made those choices because she loves you. She’s not perfect and she says a lot of hurtful things, but I think it might make you feel better to remember that, whatever she’s saying to you, her choices when you were a child and now, when she continues to show up for you when you are in hospital or need a place to recover, indicate that she does, in her own flawed way, love you. That won’t fix the problems, but it might provide some balance in your thoughts.

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

She left me st grandma's

[SoporRose in reply to Against_the_current]

I'm sorry about that, truly. I still see her trying to be a better parent to you. You are both obviously worried about each other and I think you care about each other and your sister. I don't know how you'll get from where you are now to where you want to be, but I think you can find your way when you're ready.

[SoporRose]

Also, your boyfriend sounds as if he is not at all good for you. I would detach yourself from him. It works both kinds and fair to tell him that neither of you is healthy enough for a romance. If it would kill your to see him with someone else, then you’re way over-involved. I know you are terribly lonely, but ties relationship seems only to be making you worse off.

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

I need constant support. I even downloaded BetterHelp and 7cups but still with everything happening i need constant support

[SoporRose in reply to Against_the_current]

I don't think you're going to find constant support. But I still think you can find your way.

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

I need support

[SoporRose in reply to Against_the_current]

Of course you do! I'm not saying you don't need and deserve it. But nothing you've told us about this boyfriend makes it sound like a relationship that is helpful to you. It sounds just like another source of distress. But perhaps there is more you could tell us about him so we can understand better. Is he kind? Does he talk to you with respect? Does he really listen to you? Is he someone you want to support in your turn? Is he smart, responsible, funny, employed, healthy? Do you share the same values? Tell us what draws you to him besides desperation for support.

As always, I continue to believe that you have it in you to forge a better life for yourself.

[MaggieSylvie]

You're addicted to your boyfriend. He is travelling; let the relationship gradually die, and find yourself healthy people to be around.

[Against_the_current in reply to MaggieSylvie]

I can't

[MaggieSylvie in reply to Against_the_current]

You think you can't, but when he's away so much, that is likely to extend and that will be your way out. Of course, you will feel bad for a time, but it's not going to be a trauma.

[MaggieSylvie]

My mother told me something similar. Actually, I have never been a parent but from observation, I see that most motherhood is just like that. It's nothing unusual, so don't beat yourself up about it. I suppose you could say it's part of the curse of Eve.

[Against_the_current in reply to MaggieSylvie]

It's terrible. Makes me more scared of getting pregnant

[MaggieSylvie in reply to Against_the_current]

Don't let it put you off. It's not the pregnancy that's the problem; it's how you are afterwards. I think it's just a matter of being aware the affect you might have on others, including your child. We are not forced to echo the behaviour of our parents. They did the best they could at the time. Their children can do better.

[SoporRose in reply to Against_the_current]

Get yourself healthy first before even you think about getting pregnant. You are young and have plenty of time.