Confused about my relationship with coworker

[dwhp]

for the past few months i've been struggling with my feelings for my cowroker. i'm not sure why i'm feeling this way but i'm starting to hate him instead of liking him as a friend.

we started being friend since covide cuz we both worked remotely and since we kind of work together we started talking via IM. he's 25 years younger than me and kind of cute in the sense that he's young but i'm not attracted to younger men and i'm happily married.

things started to change when i feel he's not treating me like a friend meaning he doesn't tell me things like i expect him to cuz i'd tell him things about work and fun stuff. i can't tell if he's leading me on but i also feel ignored.

he tries to ask about the situation but i shut him out cuz i'm too hurt and can't stand the idea of him leaving the company one day. although i have friends at my work location, it just doesn't seem the same.

worse of it all is that i used to wish him well but now i don't want him to get promoted or leave for a better job or have a gf that's he's finally getting after however many years of being dry. i'm not sure why i've become this monster.

after two weeks of no contact, i broke down and reached out. he didn't avoid me and eventhough he was with his gf, he carried on the convo like normal. i left the IM quickly by wishing him a good day and said ttyl.

someone tell me what my problem is.

[DodgeDhanda]

Is it possible U have stopped working on ur health & possibly fixated on him as he would be the age of a son of urs ?

A suggestion if I may , go back to looking after urself & try to remember to always take a step outside of urself & judge the situation & possible outcomes of any scenario.

Another biggie be careful what you write to him as you may say something that could end up involving human resources.

A tricky & slippery road remote working is. As for the character U've become only U can truly answer that as its ur thoughts & feelings & only U know what U were feeling & where U hoped it would go & he may just wish to keep it about work only. I & hopefully no one tries to think & know what U will do as we don't & it's wrong to judge another person

I wish U love and light on ur journey.

[dwhp in reply to DodgeDhanda]

Hi Dodge, thanks for your support and feedback. i agree, best to keep my distance before it turns into something bigger than i want to handle. no one needs HR drama. i wanted to throw it out there for thoughts since there's no one else I can share this situation with. this is my sanity check.

[DodgeDhanda in reply to dwhp]

I'm sure others will pop in & try to help U but in situations like what U've experienced I play devil's advocate with some sage wisdom thrown in.

I suppose it's a type of reality check too & hopefully U decided to get back to being grounded & putting ur own health & mental wellbeing first. It's easy to forget that when we feel or believe someone has seen the person I'm not at work, that can take U away from ur goal & we should never forget our goals of helping ourselves to better understand our self concerns. As U say ur happily married , maybe look his way instead & picture him as Ur Christian Gray lol

[dwhp in reply to DodgeDhanda]

Hi Dodge, yes the input is helping. i need other people's perspectives on this. yes he would be my son if i had one and that's how it started off as. somehow it turned into my wanting more and more interaction cuz i'm not getting that elsewhere. i had a talk with my husband this morning and i'm better equipped to detach from my coworker. i don't need to rely on him cuz it's not good all around. i need to rely on myself and one day when we part our ways, i don't feel so crushed and empty. i hope this makes sense and looking forward to healing. thank you for your wisdom and hope you have a great weekend!

[DodgeDhanda in reply to dwhp]

It makes perfect sense & may I say ur doing things the correct way by if at a point in time U need to progress U will end it with him (hubby) first then move on with a clean & clear soul. That's rare as most folk be they male or female start the fling then move on but that's cheating & no such thing as ur on a break. If that's the case a person could cause an argument with partner go cheat then next day get back together.

Morals & Scruples. I'm glad I'm helping U as that's my goal & in time it will be ur turn to help someone else . H

However in the mean time work on U & ur goals & set small goals that U can attain to get to the finish line of the bigger goal. It all starts with U.

[Raggedy-Ann]

Hi it's simple, you have a crush on him. It happens. You are way too emotionally invested. It is obvious the two of you have crossed the work friend conversations into a personal relationship. You need to back way off. He is moving forward in his career, he is moving forward in his personal life. That is why you feel hurt, jealous and angry.

Let go. You are married, put your energy into that relationship. The young guy fantasy is harmful to you, making you think and feel negativity. Take a deep breath, and put it back into perspective. It was a crush nothing more. You are going to be okay, these feelings will pass and it would be best if he got that job elsewhere. ( I am a tell like I see it person)

[dwhp in reply to Raggedy-Ann]

thank you raggedy-ann. I am surprised that I have a crush on him. I am doing things to change this. It feels really annoying right now so being here helps. I hope you do well with whatever you’re working on!

[DodgeDhanda in reply to Raggedy-Ann]

Hi R-A.

That's sage wisdom right there.

[designguy]

I know it may sound weird but I think it's possible to develop a crush at any age despite the circumstances, we're all just human after all. The adult thing is knowing we have a choice to act upon it or not.

[dwhp in reply to designguy]

Hi there. nothing is weird anymore but i'm happy to get feedback from others. i don't want to continue being unhappy so all of this is helpful to me. if it's a crush then i'll distance myself for everyone's benefit. i won't stop having feelings, just need to get to the core. i'm starting to understand why i'm feeling this way and it's ok. i am working on making it better. thanks for your input. hope you have a great weekend!

[designguy in reply to dwhp]

You're welcome, sounds like you are doing good, self-acceptance is healthy and vital for all of us.

[dwhp]

Hi Axxes, you are absolutely right. as much as i hate to admit it but i liked the attention too much. also it was confusing cuz it felt like he liked me more than a friend sometimes, it's probably my wishful thinking or hallucination. i started out wanting him to do well in life then got scared realizing he's moving ahead. it's ironic but i'm dealing with it. also i realized that i have fear of abandonment issues and need constant reassurance. it's hard to do for someone who's not your spouse/significant other. i became too much being suffocating and needy, even for myself. my body was warning me to stop with constant stomach issues from the tremendous stress this has become. i'm glad i can reach out and get feedback. thank you for your comment. i value it immensely. i'm not looking for the right answers, just a perspective aside from my own since i'm marinating in my own misery right now and my judgement is cloudy. at first i was drunk with happiness, now i'm drowning in anger and hopelessness but not for long though! hope you have a great weekend!

[dwhp]

thanks Axxes. i hope i can be helpful to you too.