Upset: So the other night I was at the... - Anxiety and Depre...

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Upset

perkofawallflower
perkofawallflower

So the other night I was at the hospital and my boyfriend took his daughter to the movies. He was texting me after he movie and then stopped for like 40 minutes. I just figured he was driving so I didn’t think anything of it. Then, yesterday I found out that during our texting, his ex wife started texting him about personal problems not dealing with his daughter. He stopped texting me and didn’t text me back until she stopped texting him. I currently feel kind of hurt and upset. I mean we have only been together for 3 months and he was with his ex wife for 10 years and divorced for two. She’s manipulative and controlling and she will be dramatic to get his attention. She told him he isn’t being her best friend anymore since he started dating me and he told her he can’t be her support person anymore but yet he continued to text back and forth with her. I know she was testing him to see if he would follow through with the boundaries he set for her. I was just so upset that he was trying to comfort her she was calling herself a loser and saying she was depressed and she texted him saying I know you don’t care anymore because you said we can’t be friends. This is the first time that he didn’t follow through with the boundaries he set for her and it hurt me. I finally had let go because he told me to trust him that he doesn’t respond to her other than that and now I feel hurt. 😞😞😞

25 Replies
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Hidden
Hidden

I think this is your chance to rise above it and be secure with yourself. By acting hurt you are acting similar to the ex. It is better to take the high road and not react. He did tell her he can’t be her best friend, and I believe he means that. He was just responding to her and probably trying to avoid a fight with her. I don’t think he did anything wrong. The more you can contrast yourself with the ex, the more likely he will see you are the mature stable partner.

perkofawallflower
perkofawallflower
in reply to Hidden

I feel like I am hurt because he was texting me but stopped to text back and forth with her and I felt in that moment he choose her feelings over mine.

Hidden
Hidden
in reply to perkofawallflower

I think this is something you are going to have to put up with. If there wasn`t a child involved then he would have no reason to contact the ex but there is and that isn`t going to change. Getting a strop on because he was texting someone else isn`t going to get you anywhere. If you can`t accept that he will be contacting the ex in the future you`re better off walking away.

perkofawallflower
perkofawallflower
in reply to Hidden

I know he has to be in contact with his ex because of his daughter. I am not upset about that. I am upset that he isn’t following through with the boundaries he set for her. He told her he wouldn’t text her back unless it deals with his daughter because his ex wife has very poor boundaries. She just walks into his house when she wants and he got a new bed and she told him “I bet you already broke that in with your new girlfriend.”

Hidden
Hidden

Hello!

I don’t know...I really think you’re worrying too much about this whole thing. When dating someone who’s been married before with children, you have to accept the fact that he had a life before you. He will always have a certain bond with his ex. That doesn’t mean that he’s not totally into you now, it just means that he had another life before you came along. He probably would not be the man you care about without this quality. If it were me, and I’m going on personal experience, I would stay out of his business in this regard. He will so appreciate the trust and freedom to take care of his personal life. They would be together if that’s what they wanted, but they’re not!! Don’t view her as a threat. Give no one any reason to resent you. You can mumble about her under your breath, but leave it alone and don’t monitor his text messages or get on his phone...period! Be confident!! You can do this! His ex expects and wants you to be bothered, so surprise them all and don’t!! 😉

perkofawallflower
perkofawallflower
in reply to Hidden

I didn’t get on his phone. He was talking about her texting him and showed me the text messages because he said she was driving him crazy and he said see I told her we can’t be friends. My mind went straight to noticing that the timing was when he stopped talking to me and when he got back to me he said. “Sorry I wasn’t chatty tonight.” I guess I am reading into things too much 😞😞😞😞 I have never stopped through his phone and don’t plan on it.

I mean I have never snooped through his phone

Hidden
Hidden
in reply to perkofawallflower

I understand 🙂

Hidden
Hidden
in reply to perkofawallflower

I’m sorry that statement offended you...I stand corrected. Good for you!

perkofawallflower
perkofawallflower
in reply to Hidden

Yeah I would never do that. I know I have insecurity issues but I would never snoop. I told him I don’t want to know what she says or doesn’t say. I told him he can handle her how he sees fit and that I trust him. And left it at that

Hidden
Hidden
in reply to perkofawallflower

You’ll be so glad you did! I’m sure he feels a sense of relief too! Way to go! 😁

I would think if there was a reason for you to worry, he wouldn't have shown you the text messages. You just have to accept that they shared a life and be a child together, so they're probably always going to be in communication, whether about their child or about other things. It really is just the way it is. You have to feel comfortable enough in the relationship to realize this and not try to be controlling about it.

Yeah I know he would never cheat on me. He set the boundaries for her and told her he’s not her best friend because she told him she felt he was. He explained to her that they have to be amicable to coparent their daughter together. He said he only wants to talk with her when it’s about their daughter. She will text him about her personal problems and expect emotional support from him. The reason I was upset was because he wasn’t following the boundaries he set for her and he texted back and forth to comfort her and he was ignoring me over her. I know he’s working on it and it will take time because they were together for so long. He set the boundaries with her when him and I officially started dating three months ago. I know his daughter will always come first before me. I feel that he shouldn’t put his ex wife’s feelings before mine and ignore me to try and be nice to her. I feel like because I am nice and don’t cause waves he will comfort her because she will go off on him if he doesn’t respond. He would rather comfort here because I do not overreact like she does if that makes sense. But at the time he was ignoring me, I am sitting in the hospital with my mother who just had open heart surgery and we were texting back and forth about my mom. I know he feels like he’s between a rock and a hard place.

Your relationship is new, it's best to let go better now than later when you haven't invested too much into it. Since he has kids, that's always going to be in the way. They'll always be first, it's hard to find someone without kids, you'd have to be patient and waiting in line. I've been there, depending on the kids age? They then join in with the mom to try and manipulate the situation. There most definitely should be boundaries, especially Men they have trouble doing that. So it's best you move on, this is a battle your Not going to Win😖

I like him a lot so just leaving him is not something I want to do. I am willing to let him handle her and keep the boundaries that he texted her. I just wish I could not be so upset about it and how I can handle my emotions without walking away.

Then it is your emotions you have to work out, not what he or she are doing.

You have to understand that a 10-year relationship can't be wiped off the table in a second, specially not when there are children involved. I personally think high of mates who keep a good relationship with their ex-partners, says good things about them.

She might be manipulative, I don't know, but it's not up to you to change that. It's only up to you to change how you behave about that. I think it'd be good if you worked on your self-confidence on this regard. It's not easy, I know, and it's a long way but it's worth it! Focus on that, not on her behaviour - after all you can't change it, but you can change the way it affects you. Seriously, you can do it!

I wish you strength and calmness to go through this.

I am aware I can’t change her behavior. I was upset with how he handles her. I know it will take time for them to adjust and a change. It’s just very frustrating to watch her manipulate him. I guess in that moment I felt like he chose her feelings over mine. I feel my feelings are valid when he puts her feelings first and I do not feel that has to deal with my self confidence. Any person in that situation would be upset. I know I need to work on my insecurities and learn how to handle my emotions. I was just expressing being frustrated. I explained to him if he chooses her feelings over mine then I will have to leave. I have had people walk all over me and put others before me in relationships esp when it comes to an ex. I am working on giving him the space and time to handle her. I asked him what I can do to support him best and he said when he feels like he needs my help or advice he will come to me. I am okay with that and have been doing well with that m. I did also ask him to be aware that I have feelings to and it’s hard dating someone who has a kid with someone else and an ex wife who constantly texts him about her personal problems and she even said she feels he’s her main support person and she complained to him that she is mad she can’t come to him anymore for her problems. It’s not fair to him or me for her to lean heavily on him to support her problems when he is trying to build a relationship with me.

I can see my reply made you feel bad and I'm sorry for that.

Maybe I didn't explain myself properly. Given that you said you don't want to give him up and you are feeling bad I thought it could be helpful for you to hear an idea on how you can work this out. But I don't know you and I might be absolutely wrong about everything I said.

I do think it is a bit self-victimizing to repeat that he's choosing her feelings over yours. It could also be that he considers her weaker, lonelier, more helpless than you. Maybe he trusts you not to feel hurt by him paying attention to her anxiety. I don't know, this is just another way of seeing it.

Also I don't quite see who you are upset with: with her because she apparently manipulates him? Or with him because of how he handles the situation? Or with both?

What is it you would like to be different? Can you change it? And if not, can you accept it? What can you do to make the whole situation better?

When him and I first started dating I was mad that she manipulated him but I realized she’s never going to change it’s who she is. I am not upset about that part. I was more upset about how he handled her because he told me that he had set boundaries and I needed to trust that he would stick to them and he didn’t. He told me he didn’t see how him replying to her personal problem was an issue so I explained to him that he didn’t folllow through with what he said he was doing but his reply to me was that texting her means nothing. My thought process was if it means nothing then why even text her and he said he felt like texting her back and forth would get her off his back. (Which obviously didn’t work) I am more upset with his follow through of what he said he would do. Maybe I am misinterpreting his intentions. maybe they do not mean anything to him but to me it meant more. When I asked him if the situation was in reverse he said he would be upset if I texted to comfort an ex when I said I wouldn’t. I don’t know if My feelings are an over reaction or not but in that moment I felt hurt. I have been thinking why I felt hurt and I have been asking myself how to remain calm when I feel upset or hurt. Feelings or emotions are valid but how I handle them is the one thing I can control. I am just trying to understand why I got so upset and if I can be okay with him faltering when he was the one who set limits with his ex wife and didn’t follow through. I know ppl make mistakes and I shouldn’t be so hard on him . Maybe my feelings were hurt because I felt I was let down 🤷‍♀️

just a heads up. it's been seven years now...and I'm still dealing with all the step kids being manipulated by the ex- to inter fear with our relationship, and one is working on the ex-'s behalf to try and break us up for their own benefit 24/7. A 30yr old who has no qualms about telling my partner what plans they have for the house when the partner is dead...and of course I'm invisible....and the 30yr old asked what they were supposed to do with me then. So....my partner got a double dose this weekend of this ones betrayal and manipulating but still...because they are their daughter....will do nothing but take it in. This 30yr old has one mission in life...to get the house from us. And brags to the other two that is what they are planning....wanting my partner to put the deed of the house in her name.

So...be prepared for the long haul....because it has not changed for 7 years having the step kids interfering in the relationship to get what they want which is my partner to be on call as taxi, and give their un-divided attention at their beaconing call.

Two of the kids are okay, and I get along fine with them. But they are easily manipulated by the 30yr old, so I can't completely trust them which is a shame, because I do like them and have always helped them through school and with problems. But....blood is thicker and will always trump the relationship with a partner...so as the others have said....as well as yourself....this is a tall order to take on.....

I am glad he only has one child with his ex wife. She is currently 6 years old. His ex wife, I have noticed seeks his attention the more serious our relationship gets. She’s gets needy and texts him more over trivial stuff. And states she’s depressed and a loser. She used their daughter as a pawn to get his attention and it’s blatantly obvious when she does this. 10 pm the other night when she has their daughter she texts him saying she has a sunburn and he replied that he put sunblock on her when she’s outside and she’s then replied oh I wasn’t blaming you, I just thought her tan lines were cute. After that he stopped replying. He is starting to realize that she’s attention seeking and she texts him about non emergent things and at inappropriate times especially when she knows he’s with me. He did text her asking to set up once a week phone call to discuss any issues from the previous week and look at the upcoming week. He told her that he does not text her when he has their daughter and he expects the same respect to his personal time that he gives her. He said he will not respond to any personal problems she texts him and he can’t be her emotional support person. I think this is a good start so far. We will see how long it lasts. He is able to recognize when she’s manipulating him now. I am learning to not getting upset with her behavior because it just ruins my relationship with him and it’s what she wants.

exactly...and that's exactly what she is trying to do...ruin your relationship...he left her for good reason....don't let her win. Let her hang herself....and all you can do is wait, or just live your life around it. Because she will never respect boundaries, it's what she does....don't get caught in her trap of trying to put a wedge between you and your partner. It's hard to not want to say something....and believe me I know....the best you can hope for is letting him deal with her.... you are the one he chose to be with....so don't let her drive you nuts....it will undo what you two have like a crack in a dam....

Exactly. She’s losing him and she is using the one card she has which is their daughter. She does not own up to her behavior. She’s was saying no, my boyfriend knows about us talking and encourages me to message you. She was like he has no issue with it I don’t see why it’s a problem now. My boyfriend explained it her out of respect for her and his serious relationships with other ppl that she stop messaging him her personal problems. She continued to state “ well my personal problems will effect our daughter.” He replied “your personal problems do not dictate how I parent our daughter.” He’s doing a really good job now with it. Sometimes he doesn’t get it so he will send me a text asking if she’s being manipulative and we will discuss but only if he feels like he needs my help. Other than that I stay out of it. I don’t ask him to text me or show me every text. I never go through his phone or anything like that. I am working on my end on how to deal with my emotions. This is the first time I have ever dated someone with a child with someone else. It’s definitely hard but I like him a lot and want to stick with it.

exactly...and that's exactly what she is trying to do...ruin your relationship...he left her for good reason....don't let her win. Let her hang herself....and all you can do is wait, or just live your life around it. Because she will never respect boundaries, it's what she does....don't get caught in her trap of trying to put a wedge between you and your partner. It's hard to not want to say something....and believe me I know....the best you can hope for is letting him deal with her.... you are the one he chose to be with....so don't let her drive you nuts....it will undo what you two have like a crack in a dam....

That's up to you, be prepared for it to continue. My ex-husband was living with someone, though I didn't bother him like your boyfriends ex. We are forever be connected because of our kids, now grandkids. He'd come over and tried to make a passes at me. Even now she is still feeling insecure like you are.

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