I need advice on how to handle this

[Starla7811]

My father was an alchoholic who used to beat up my mother my parents divorced at 9 and father died of his alchohol abuse at 12. My mother has been verbally abusive , manipulative towards me and has been the same along with physically abusive to my younger sister. To give some background there were instances when I was the reason she was physically abused. For Eg my mother never let me play as a child and wanted me to study only. I have a stabbed broken lead in my foot that broke of from a pencil because I didn't study and wanted to play when I was 6. For this reason when my sister wanted to play I used to inform my mother who beat her up. I was 10 then I didn't realise I was doing something wrong and was somewhat a narcissistic bitch in my childhood. I have learnt my lesson. But it's still difficult to give up on those narcissistic manipulative tendencies that show up from time to time. I too have verbally abused my sister and been an overall bad elder sibling. Over this weekend my mother went into one of her violent rages and left home for a few hours but said she was never returning. Over that time me and my sister bonded over her and my trauma. She told me we would make an escape plan. Mother returned and I begged her to go to a therapist. My sister had told me not to speak about our plan. But my mother yelled and fought with me for 3 hours at the therapist during which I blurted out something about the plan. The therapist has recommended CBT for me during the following week because of impulsivity. I have somewhat a similar nature to my mother which I want to change qnd am trying but I don't have enough money for sustained therapy. Now since last 5 days I feel like my sister is avoiding me. I don't know if I have done something wrong again. I asked her but she is still avoiding me and not giving me a reason . I saw in her mobile that she still a cute nickname saved for me. But I feel like she is avoiding me. I have attachment issues too. So I don't know if its my fault or she needs space. I don't want to do anything more to upset her. But I am afraid I lost my sister. Its been eating me up for whole week. What should I do ?

[fauxartist]

First of all.... it's not your fault your father was abusive, or that your mother was abusive. And if a therapist knowing the severity of the abuse says to use CBT instead of getting a report filed with social services, then they aren't a very good therapist. I would say you may need to talk to family services... the system sucks but it's better than being abused, and you may be able to get the therapy you want. Your going through a lot of confusion, anger, and often when abused many can also become an abuser, which is why you probably acted out in anger towards your sister. There is no easy answer here, and it's always going to be a compromise for the lesser of the two evils...meaning... this is a hard place to be in. My mother was very abusive, and I lived through her, as well as myself, also being physically abused by a drunken stepfather... but those are my stories, and yours are your own to tell... all I can say is...keep trying ...don't give up. I'm sorry your having to go through this..my heart goes out to you...and your not alone.

[Roukaya in reply to fauxartist]

very good advice

[Starla7811 in reply to fauxartist]

Thank you for your advice. Unfortunately the country I reside in does not believe in the concept that children can be abused by parents and it is very common here. I hope you have found help for your situation too. Thank you for the kind words

[fauxartist in reply to Starla7811]

I am very sorry to hear that... yes... it's a terrible reality that not everywhere in the world children are valued or treated the way they should be. Beating a child is not a solution to discipline, it just makes them fearful, angry, and afraid to become who they were meant to be... But the truth too is that even in countries with laws to protect children...it just isn't happening.

I am fortunate I found my own way into some support groups and affordable therapy, but the scars no one can see will never completely heal... I have just learned to accept what I can change, and what I have to accept I can't, and learn coping methods to live my life.

[LilyAnnepuppy in reply to fauxartist]

I too have been able to make some peace with my upbringing. But you’re right, the scars remain. And I’ve had to learn to accept my broken parts. We’re survivors.

[fauxartist in reply to LilyAnnepuppy]

We are survivors... and we have endured, regardless of the callousness of some caustic people, we have had to side step in life. We can be a bit thin-skinned to the initial blows, but we quickly recover now, because we have tools to do so, and friends and support to hold us up when we need it.

[LilyAnnepuppy in reply to fauxartist]

Amen to that.

[Tara52]

I can relate to your story. The cold shoulder treatment your sister is exhibiting is abusive and very painful. She is not a safe support person. My mother used to do that to me as a child and it was frightening and confusing. I learned alot about narcissists on YouTube watching Dr. Ramini. I also found help attending Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings. They also have a good book that has helped me called "Courage to Change". 💗

[Starla7811 in reply to Tara52]

The problem is my sister has a hard time communicating , expressing emotions and trusting people. I don't know why or what she is doing. But my mother has manipulated her against me a couple of times . And she doesn't trust me much because of my past actions. I have told her to inform me of my mistakes. But I am not sure what to do considering this background. I don't think so she trusts me although she says she isn't avoiding me. Maybe she wants space. But I feel like she is avoiding me. I am sorry you had to go through same situation

[Tara52]

I understand. If you listen to Dr. Ramini's teachings on narcissism you will see this type of abuse as "triangulation ".

[SpitFire2018]

Give Her a few days but the next time You see Her let Her know that at Her earliest convience You really need to talk to Her. As for therapy..... for know journal and use websites for mental health. Please keep in touch if You can. I do care.

[Starla7811 in reply to SpitFire2018]

Heya I apologise for the delay in replying. You were right she is now normal after a few days have passed. I was overthinking.i have spoken to her about it thank you for your kind words and have a good day whenever you this reply.