I need to move on but I don't know how

[Darkwolf]

Where to start.

How about the beginning

I grew up with a father that drank and smoked. My mother keep us out of harm's way til he died at 42. The doctors told him to stop but he choose not to. It took me a long time to relize that he made his own choices.

After he died I was 14 and had the responsibility of taking care of the house and mom's car. I made good and bad choices growing up.

I moved to the mid west from

The east coast to marry my now ex wife we where married for sixteen years

And have two children with her I have been to mediation almost every two years because she wants more I pay child support and see my kids often. She chose to work 60 or more hours a week as a kindergarten teacher. And not do things like cooking cleaning laundry be a mom or wife. she only got paid for 40 hours. At the end I found that she was fooling around with the janitor.

Got involved with someone else after a few years but that's not worked out either.

I am tired of trying to make people happy and not appreciate what I bring to the relationship. Like the roof over thier head and loyalty I have for them. I would like some day for someone to appreciate me for me and be there everything.

My mom died a few years ago and that has sent me into a tail spin she spent her life taking care of others and I did not see after her second husband's death she gave up

She was hiding failing health

And living in a house that she didn't keep up. She died alone

I am so depressed and sad I miss her. And am afraid to get involved with anyone because of my failed relationships. I have so much emotional and life problems that it is not fair to involve some else. I have gone to therapy but with my new insurance I can't afford to go.

Not sure it was helping.

I feel like I am spiraling down and a part of me doesn't want to let that happen I have been to the dark side of me before and took alot for me to come out of it. Some days I don't want to get out of bed but know I have to work.

[Hidden]

Hi I am sorry to hear this and it does sound like you need some counselling.

To be honest I do find your attitudes towards women a bit strange in this day and age. It sounds like you think cooking, cleaning and laundry to be 'women's work' and that after working hard all day she has the time and energy to do all this too. As well as being a 'mom' and a wife. This is not excusing her affair but maybe this man didn't have such old fashioned attitudes and she felt more cherished and valued by him as a person and not just a housewife.

If you want a partner to do all this then you can't expect her to work full time as well, so you will have to earn enough to keep all of you. These days if both partners work then I would expect them to share household chores as it's not just a woman's job you know.

Maybe with a rethink of your attitude you will have more successful relationships in the future. There are some women who just want to stay at home and be a 'wife' and 'mom' so maybe you should look out for someone like this, but I expect you would get bored with them quite quickly!

Not having a go at you - just seeing it from a woman's point of view. I wish you all the best.

[Darkwolf in reply to Hidden]

I am sorry it sounds that way I believe also that every thing should be shared and my wife didn't the second relationship just didn't work out

[Hidden in reply to Darkwolf]

Ok fair enough it just came across to me like that. If you can't afford therapy why not have a look at the self help route ie mindfulness, mediation etc. There is lots of info online about these. They might be able to help you.

I know the feeling of finding it very difficult to get out of bed in the mornings to go to work as I have suffered from depression all my life. I am old enough now not to have to work thank goodness, but I recognise that working did keep me busy enough not to have too much time to think or worry so much.

If I hadn't had work to go to I would probably not have bothered to get out of bed some mornings like I do now.

On the other hand being a depression sufferer made work very hard sometimes especially when I had to think and my brain went numb, or I found it hard to retain information and had to keep asking. There are occasions it all became too much for me and I would end up in tears or feeling like a rat caught in a trap.

Stay with us on here and we will help and support you all we can. You are not alone now and we all understand.

[Kobojunkie]

you are right that the last thing you need at this time is a relationship.

About insurance, even with Medicaid, you can get good mental health help in many states. There are numerous community mental.health programs funded by state and federal that you can take advantage of out there.

i suggest you try to get you a psychiatrist who can design a good treatment plan to get you started on the path to healing. It would he a mistake to sit back and let this totally consume you particularly with 2 kids to care for.

call around and find places that can accept your kind of insurance and get help asap please.

[Jeannii]

It;s Very DIFFICULT to comment on some one elses' relationship I am not u & can only attempt to walk in your shoes thru your experiences with women, being one myself . Pity u don't have good female friends round u . I think friends who can give u UNBIASED realistic advise knowing u is sometimes MORE helpful Not every failed relationship or two or three needs a POST MORTEM ......Look at Eliz Taylor . I hope u find someone u can REALLY share your thoughts with soon .

Sometimes ..........things don't work out, right person , wrong time or Visa versa. If u want to try writing what it is that bothers u , I'll try to talk to u with my limited knowledge of the HUMAN RACE that I find completely bewildering too !! J

[Tilly118]

Hi.. sad to read your story.. I too know what the black hole of depression is like. Can I just say that there is so much helpful stuff on line to access, also to answer questions you may have.. it's not all about expensive therapy sessions, sometimes just having someone listen to you without judging is a massive sense of relief. You sound to me like you need to grieve properly for your mum ...I lost my mum too , it's a massive loss and it can turn to depression very easily if not addressed..No easy answers or quick fixes, it's a day at a time, small steps, try not to overload your head.. Mindfulness helped me a lot, so did relaxation techniques, I used to think that was all hocus pocus.., learning to breathe properly was the first step to helping myself get out of the dark.. lots of free info on line it's really worth a try.. what have you got to lose? Keep talking and getting stuff off your chest.. lots of ears on here who will be willing to listen.. learn to be kind to yourself, give yourself time alone to rebuild your self confidence and belief in others... best of luck.. keep posting with updates..🙏