How Long Will This Nightmare Go On?

[Kiltyman]

I am having an extremely hard time dealing with the constant ups and downs. Mostly down a lately. I have started to wonder who the hell would really care if I just disappeared! My family, my friends, even my own children have written me off. They just can't be bothered with me because I might interfere with their perfect lives. I reached out to one of my estranged daughters and asked her if we could at least try to mend our broken relationship. She responded by saying "let me think about it and I'll get back to you"! She carries a deep resentment over my marital breakdown 23 years ago. I have carried this guilt for years. Yet both my ex and I know it was for the best. I feel so low and December is already a painful time for me. I'm December 18, 1985 my mother committed suicide. My 2 grown up daughters were both born in December 27, give years apart. Neither of them speak to me. My eldest girl has 2 children, my grandchildren whose names I don't even know. I feel alone, a worthless failure and no longer loved by anyone. Is it any wonder why sometimes I think this is just no longer worth the constant pain and agony. I can see no light at the end of this dark, dark tunnel. I'm fact even the tunnel entrance seems obscured. I seek relief from the pain. Happiness is unattainable. Life is intolerable. I pray to God for strength. A veteran in distress!

[tamka38]

Hi am you’re having a hard time. Wish I knew the right words to say to u. Please don’t beat yourself up, we all make mistakes we’re not perfect. And is not

Your fault u have a mental illness. I know it hurts u haven’t seen your kids or grandkid

You might been through a lot but it shows that you’re a very strong person because you’re here and u choose to keep fighting

Am praying things fall in place for u soon

You deserve to be happy and to be love and I know it makes things harder because of the holidays and your mom not being here is a lot you’re taking on and u need to make sure you’re taking care of yourself since your daughter what talk to u could u write her a letter? Am sending u a hug 🤗 and love ❤️ am here for u wishing u good luck

[Kiltyman in reply to tamka38]

Thanks for your kind words. I wish good things for you.

[tamka38 in reply to Kiltyman]

You’re welcome

[Hidden]

Praying for you to have strength and peace in your life💓

[Sadiesmile]

It sounds like you are dealing with a lot of difficult things. I am too. I have been feeling so overwhelmed with it all for a long time. I decided I could no longer bear the weight of it all and I had sort of an epiphany. I am going to take some baby steps and care for me. I have committed to 30 days. I figure you can do anything for just 30 Days. I am cleaning up my diet (no processed foods, no sugar, alcohol etc...just real food), starting to go to my local mall (it is too cold outside here but if you could go to a park or get outside that would be better)and walk for at least 30 mins and I have started a gratitude journal. Nothing fancy just writing some things I feel grateful for in my life. I am also meditating every day. Go on you tube and try some until you find a good one. All this stuff at first is going to seem small and hokey but just commit with all your strength for 30 days. The way I was able to get going with it was this thought....Do you want to be suffering and going down or suffering and going up? It has only been 2 days but I already feel the smallest light of hope. All the best to you my friend.

[Kiltyman in reply to Sadiesmile]

Thanks so much for the advice. I appreciate it. Good luck with your struggle. I also wish you the very best. I will try your suggestions.

[Hidden]

Had problems with relationship with my dad when he remarried, and my kids were young. When he was widowed I found him again - above all I respected his war service, and he had fought for his country, and was a brave man. I like to think that his grandchildren have inherited some of his qualities and strength of personality. No one is all bad or all good - don't let anyone define you and make you think you have failed. My dad came to visit us and flew aged 90. He met some of his grandchildren. We had a bomb scare in the country - air passengers had to sit on the floor and have their feet examined, to see if they were hiding explosives! Very difficult when you have arthritis to lie down, pay an expensive air fare and be exposed to such rigours. Greetings and hope from a fan of veterans.

[Xenia33]

I would like to talk with you. I am new to this forum so I just read your post. PM me if you want to talk about things.

[Phoenix_Phyre]

Life sucks the life right out of at times.

As was suggested above, it's time to take care of you and learn to love yourself. I too have a gratitude journal, and dammit it works. I felt stupid at first for writing in it, but after a couple days, I started to feel better.

I still have bad days. It isn't a "cure' but it helps.

I'm sorry for the BS in your life. I hope your daughters come around and realize they only get one mom. I'll keep them in my thoughts. And I hope you find a small little happiness and hug between the words from me and the others.