My boyfriend and I broke up. We meet as kids and started dating on and off for almost 14 years. Relationship was a rollercoaster but Iāll talk about that to anyone who wants to hear me out. Fast forward to 2013. I met him again and he was very pushy about dating and I told him I was interested in a romantic relationship with him. My cat got sick and idk why I was so obsessed with saving money instead of taking him sooner to the doctor. By the time my greedy ass decided to take him , it was already too late. I still regret it til this day, my cat really was a pillar for me. No one loved me as much as he did. I regret and am overridden with guilt and I just pray and wish I could have a second chance and that Iām so sorry. My cat hated this guy ( ex boyfriend) and ironically enough. That guy was with me through everything. Dumbly enough bc he was with me at my toughest moment I gave him a chance even if I wasnāt interested. My dumb ass got pregnant 3 months later. Plan B failed and I guess I was that unlucky 5%. My sister is a single mother and at this time she was always rejecting her son and pushing him away in a mean way. My parents and I , along with my sister were helping her with him. Because she is my twin, the motherly duty was pushed into me until she got her shit together. I cried bc she was such a bitch with her son. Kinda abusive. We would always end up taking him away from her bc of how crazy she got ( she got help and is doing a lot better now). I was traumatized with all this and I didnāt wanna be a mom like her. I also didnāt wanna burden my parents with taking on another child. His family , he has a brother with a physical disorder and other personal issues. I didnāt wanna bring a kid to the world were my nephews life would happen again but at my hands. I had an abortion as soon as I found out. I went alone. The staff there wasnāt supportive of my decision even if it was a planned parenthood place. They were mean. Now I had two guilts on my shoulder. Fast forward to late 2018. I was pressured to do a training course by my sister to get a job. I didnāt finish my degree even if I didnāt tell her. It was because I took almost two years off to help her pick up and care for her son while I took him to work with me. All the while she wouldnāt have to worry and finish up school to be. A nurse in peace. Here I was running around and forced to do stuff. I got my certificate at school completing a tech course. Got my city certificate validating that I can use my knowledge to work. My mom ended up having surgery and I helped her out staying home with her and still running around
Picking up my sisters son bc she was working as a nurse. Now December, Iām getting job interviews and get pneumonia. I end up not working bc idk why my body overdid it and I end up developing a really bad case of anxiety disorder by Jan 2019. Doctors couldnāt figure out what was wrong. I had lost almost 20 pounds. The pneumonia fucked up my lungs. I hyperventilate, migraine , tachycardia 24/7, dizziness, diarrhea, nausea, difficulty breathing, fatigue and etc. I got diagnosed late April. I was afraid of everything outdoors and even in my house. Because i wasnāt working, I was forced to take my sisters son to school and pick up him. I was terrified to go anywhere but here I was forced to do it, to ā help me get over it and suck it up.ā They told me, sheās gonna give you money to Uber it back and forth so youāre not even walking. Here I am thinking that doesnāt make it less terrifying. Apparently all this time
I had panic attacks so taking him and from school made it worse. I would cry before taking him, coming back and again later on. I would fall asleep bc even taking him to school made me extremely exhausted. I barely slept at night anyways bc my heart was always beating through the roof.
Now July, Iām able to go out for walk at least 5 blocks without panicking. I break up with my boyfriend bc he said it was boring being home bc I was too scared to go out. We break up and than heās like I wanna see you one last time. He kinda forces the sex and I donāt scream loud for him to stop bc his little brother has a physical disorder and autism( didnāt mention that before) and I didnāt want him to freak out. He got a plan b and again I was that 5% it didnāt work. I didnāt realize I was pregnant. My anxiety was under more 70% on my control and than it was uncontrollable. It felt like early 2019 were I was panicking and felt all those symptoms and with hot flashes and no appetite now. I was thinking ā what happened, I was doing a lot better. I couldnāt even roll in the bed. I was bedridden again. I was terrified. Back to the old days were I couldnāt even shower or walk to the bathro without help. Yes , it was that bad at first. I couldnāt even fix a bed without feeling like a ran a 1000 mile marathon. My sister suggest me to take a pregnancy test. I didnāt know the plan b had failed. She told me it was positive. I told her ā stop lying and tell me what it says.ā It was positive. I was thinking no please no again ! Not now, how am I gonna take care of a child if Iām scared to go to the corner store and was terrified of being alone. I was like Iām sorry baby but mommy needs to get herself together. Even if people offered to help once they had enough I would be alone and idk how I would do alone and I didnāt wanna risk it going wrong or even worse. Had a second abortion and apologize to him over and over. This time this idiot went with me. The process was different this time. I actually fainted in the bathroom bc of the blood lose , I got anemia and an infection. He was there physically but not there emotionally. I stayed at his house and I was bleeding away on the bed while he was playing on his ps4. I have another cat and he needs special food and in a certain way. He went to feed him te first two days but than he didnāt wanna do it. My parents and sister didnāt know how to do it. I told him I needed help going home and he didnāt want to come. Luckily he lives across the street but i kept feeling like I was gonna pass out at any moment. I got home. Kinda passed up and fed my cat bc I am not repeating my mistakes and losing him( he had health issues). Fast forward to now 2020, I had forced myself to suck it up and go out all those time I was panicking just to keep him happy. Didnāt work he said ā shouldnāt of done that.ā He only thought of sex as a fun way to spend time together at home. Along with other stuff. He told me he was tired of seeing me everyday. Iām stllgettjng over the abortion. I feel lonely at home and pressured. Like I can only control my anxiety after losing all the process before and doing it again. I just wanted to not be lonely but I understand I was smothering him. He only wanted to play and be in the city. But I just felt lonelier and lonlier. He said I was boring etc. I love him but I constantly felt rejected by him to the point he doesnāt care.
He never wants to talk about the abortions. Never lets me talk it all out and let it off my chest. Makes it all my fault. So I broke it off with him and he said he didnāt care bc he was tired of all the bs. Said I wasnāt even worth being proposed to. I donāt really have friends that live nearby. Iām not comfortable yet going far distances. Never realized how lonely I actually am now. I feel so lonely that I just cry and sleep all day and wake up with anxiety and start the whole cycle again.
My not so clear and not so detailed post.
Endless Words (Trigger Warning-Multi Abuses Possible-I rant)
Is anyone there to talk to? I need help.
I need out of here...
**FOLLOW-UP** Trigger warning: I know, it's not fair, but, it's right there...
Regrets I've had few!!!
