Feel very alone

[candont]

I've been struggling with GAD and major depressive disorder for a few years now. It's been really hard. This year, I started out particularly sad. I carry a lot of shame because I don't see the point in what I do and that takes a toll on everyone I love. I have been a stay at home mom and something happened to me when my daughter started struggling and that's when the depression hit. She's grown now but I'm still in the dark. I see a psychiatrist and take my meds as prescribed and take my meds religiously. I take a high dose of a couple of different anti-depressants but breakthrough depression still happens.

Even with these meds, I'm still depressed. Sometimes, I just want to stay in bed. I don't want to do anything. I don't see a point in doing much. Clean the house? Why? So it can be messed up again and I have to clean again? No thanks, I'd rather sleep.

I don't know the meaning of fun. I have no real fun in my life. It's cleaning and cooking and when I go to bed at night my feet and body aches.

Since the meds don't seem to be helping, I decided to go to a therapist. It sounds absolutely asinine but I struggle to go to the store. It's a lot of mental preparation for me to go now. It started when I moved to where I currently live. There's a very large senior living area disproportionate with the rest of the population of demographics in the area. So the store is always crammed packed with retired folks who seem to forget there's another population of people that still have people at home that rely on us to meet very hefty demands. It's not the demographic that bothers me, it's the general attitude of wealthy, entitled people from this community that block the aisles without consideration, run people over in the parking lot - at least once a week there's a wreck or an elder has run over someone with their car. They will look for problems and are ready to bark at slightest infractions. As inidividuals, I think they're fine. But as a group, much like how they might not appreciate a thousand kids descending upon them, I don't want a thousand of them descending upon me. What is normally a 20 minute store trip turns into a 40 minute one and that's on a good day. So I practically stopped going to the store.

It's a dumb thing, I know this logically but I'm trying to change. I am trying really hard to make these changes in my life, so I can be better for my family. I feel so ashamed I've fallen this far. My house was in disrepair - messes in every room.

About a month ago, I started going to a therapist because meds alone weren't helping. I started online therapy but that was very expensive, so I decided to bite the bullet and go to traditional therapy (CBT). It took me a lot to work up the courage to find someone and call them and make an appointment. I hate talking on the phone. I'm not interesting by any stretch and I like it like that. My enjoyment is either reading or watching television and just staying at my house, away from everyone else's insanity (I have enough, thank you). I hate going anywhere. I live on a ranch. I don't like driving, either. There's a lot I don't want to do. I have stopped living. This isn't to say I want to die. It's more, I just don't want to live. It's painful. It's draining. I don't want to act okay for people when I am anything but okay. It takes a lot to interact with the world.

Yesterday, I went to therapy and my therapist said that the week before, she felt I needed to be hospitalized because she thought I might want to harm myself(???). Okay, I'm thinking, then why not ask IN THAT MOMENT AND NOT WAIT A WEEK TO DISCUSS THAT. Immediately, I put my guard up. I don't think I will benefit from a hospital setting because I'm not actively suicidal. At best, I'm apathetic to life and don't see a point in doing all that much. It just has to be done again....and again...and again. It's like digging a ditch, filling in the hole and repeating. That's what my life feels like. Of course, if my therapist weren't so busy giving me life lessons on filling out a brain map exercise everytime a situation occurs that I'm not in the "right frame of mind" or am so anxious that I can't breathe, I might have been able to convey this. But she makes me super uncomfortable and not in a challenging sort of way but I feel so threatened that she's only going to take me to a deeper level of hell that I really don't think will be helpful and will do more harm than any good.

Anyway, that wasn't the worst of it. I have been doing better. More days than not, I'm getting out of bed, getting dressed and finding something to take care of. After some months and a lot of effort, I got my house very tidied. I was excited to tell her I went to the store this past week and instead of eating out, I cooked healthful meals for my family, and they were super grateful. It gave me something to do. It made me be aware of the time of day and that helped me. I was so excited to tell my therapist yesterday and she just said, "So, basically, what people normally do...going out on a date, going to the store, cleaning the house, getting laundry done...that's a big deal to you...." But she said it rather sarcastically, and I just wanted to run from the room. I got the distinct impression that she felt I was wasting her time. The session before, I was supposed to walk everyday for 20 minutes and go on a date with my husband. I didn't go on the date with my husband because other stuff needed to be taken care of. She grilled me on this. The day it was supposed to happen, I was too tired to go. I got up at 4 a.m. to take kids off to summer camp. I had been up late the night before. On the day of, I was getting some work done and when evening rolled around, I was too tired to shower and get all dolled up. I didn't want to do it. So we compromised with takeout from my favorite restaurant and watched movies on Netflix. I was happy with this date. Very happy. My husband and I talk a lot. He's great and supportive.

I went home and my husband asked how therapy was and I just cried telling him it was awful. He told me never to go back to this woman again. She cut our hour short and curt at the end and said, "So what do you want to do about your appointments?" It was oddly put and I didn't understand what she meant by that so I asked her to reiterate what she meant. "How often do you want to keep coming back?" (like once a week or every other week) Like, WTactualF?!? I have been coming weekly...I'm not sure why that matters, especially if she thought I was suicidal and needed to be hospitalized the week prior. And I think it's a huge deal I went to a grocery store, not once but twice - a week apart. Twice, I made a menu for the week and then made a shopping list and went. I take my kids with me because they help ground me. I have older kids that are aware I struggle with depression and even they grasp the concept that it's sometimes I cannot help the way I am. I'm celebrating small victories and trying to stay on top of it and this therapist seems like she doesn't have a clue.

My husband was so pissed off at her, he asked me to reconsider going back to her. He said, "Of course these are big deals. You've been working so hard to get back to good and this woman doesn't seem like she has a clue. You wouldn't go if there wasn't a problem." He is right. If I didn't struggle with the day-to-day, what would be the point in seeing her.

Now, I just feel like an utter failure. Like, am I supposed to be doing "more" than I'm already doing? I've been filling out these homework assignments and it's not like I'm just brushing past. I'm taking notes in therapy when she speaks and I'm writing down the assignments and I'm trying to do what she says. I don't feel comfortable telling her anything anymore because I don't want to be committed to a hospital when I don't think it'd be of a benefit to me. I think it would cause more unnecessary stress not only to me but to my family. I'm very depressed but I'm not going to kill myself. I might be plugging in slowly but it's all I can do right now. It's not like I have some innate need to bound out of bed and go take on the world. It's a little bit at a time. I'm also scared to tell the therapist I'm not going back to her because I fear she will use that against me to hospitalize me. I'm not sure where all this is coming from with her but it doesn't seem to be a benefit when I feel like I'm being cornered.

What do I do here? How do I break it off with her? Should I tell her I'm committing myself and let her think I'm in a hospital so she leaves me the hell alone? I don't want to keep seeing her. I don't trust this woman. Or is this normal for therapist to make their patients feel threatened and insecure to "challenge" them?

[DJB74]

Hello there. I enjoyed your honesty and your courage to overcome all you struggled with. Those were all huge undertakings in which you should be very pleased with and continue in those steps you were taking. Personally, I would call and cancel any remaining appointments with her with no explanation simply to avoid any possible penalties for not cancelling appointments and above all to remain the bigger person and not stop to her level. Then I would seek out another therapist and quickly write this off as an unfortunate experience but a life lesson that in despite of her obstacles you overcame on your own. Focus on your victories and not the walls(including her) you've overcome. I can tell you are a very strong person and can carry much weight with all you balance in your life, I admire you. I too feel like you do with tasks, why bother, it's all vanity anyways. I feel like an operator of a bowling pin stacker, you set em up just to be knocked over, what's it all about? Like you though, I've come to realize its bigger than that, it's about relationships growing others not to be like all those sour people we encounter at the grocery store, etc. I know it's hard, thinking why bother we can't change the world but if we start by nurturing, deeply loving and healing those around us, it might just multiply. That's what it's about nurturing the world. I do realize there are vultures that just want to prey on us, there are apathetic people who none can change, but there are pure of hearts that need guided protected less the world changes them too. Like me let that be your mission. I'd like to leave you with a couple of illustrations that have always helped me. Number 1. There once was a mother and daughter having a heart to heart. The daughter was distraught in her life, so the mother went and put a pot of water on to boil, then she went to the fridge and grabbed an egg and a carrot. The daughter was now even more agitated she said I'm not hungry I need guidance. The mother then took the carrot and said see how hard it is then she put in water for a while of course it softened. Next the egg, its fragile delicate after boiling it changes it's hard. Then she gets out coffee and adds to water. She said see the differences, the water equals life when it gets hot and difficult some people like the carrot start hardened but then soften, some are like the egg, start delicate then get harden. But be like the coffee, dont let life change you, change it. 2. There once was a little boy walking on the beach after a wave washed thousands of starfish on shore. As he was walking he was throwing them back in the ocean. A scoffed walked by and asked what he was doing. He told him saving the starfish. The man laughed and said save your time, you'll never make a difference. The little boy smiles, picks up a starfish puts it back in the ocean and says I just made a difference to that one. Never underestimate the purpose you serve. In fact you've made a big impact on me. Good luck and best wishes always. Feel free to PM me anytime if you'd like to chat

[pavicanada in reply to DJB74]

very inspiring your illustrations that have always helped you.

I had gone through several life challenging surgeries, death, car accident lost of a job and of course the worst insomnia with depression anxiety and panic attacks, all these new to me. I could never understand when people told me they had it I thought it was all in their minds. Well now I have them all. And I had no solution to my real problem. the worst is not be able to sleep. I am about 50 female from Latin America living in Canada, it has been very difficult struggling as a single mother bla bla bla I don't know where years went at this point I am full of regrets and lots of debts regardless everyone my two daughters and two grandchildren do not deserve my "no good for anything at this moment" I do not care to get up because I can not sleep no energy to do much, not hungry to eat, not desire for nothing mean nothing, started to think this is insane am I going insane? and why me? how this all started? but most important how to fix it.

How do I cure myself will meds help? will it make it worst?

[DJB74 in reply to pavicanada]

I do believe meds and finding the right therapist/psychiatrist will help you. I personally do not believe there is a cure just containment and developing the ability to use all that energy contained and focus on using it all to help the rest of us hurting. I dont believe our pain is in vain. Being in this group talking to compassionate like minded people as yourself is some of the best aid I've experienced. I'm here any time you need to talk. You are in my thoughts, wishing you the very best.

[candont in reply to pavicanada]

OMGosh pavidcanada....Your post really resonates with me. DJ's reply was so helpful for me. I also liked the imagery.

Pavi, I know a lot about how you feel. I feel like what you describe so much of the time...like I'm good for nothing because I can't even take care of myself.

I've had days of agitation and that's absolutely miserable. I am not sure if that's what you also experience but it causes such anxiety, I feel like I'm going to die.

I felt so sad when the therapist acted like either I was wasting her time or just could not be helped because I'm so crazy. Day before yesterday, I broke down crying while cooking dinner because I think "I'm crazy and I'm never going to be 'okay'".

I, too, am full of so many regrets. I ruminate on the stuff that runs through my head. More recently, my son invited a bunch of kids over to the house. One of the boys said to that his dad "does not trust me..." so he could not come. I didn't dislike him but that really hurt my heart. I don't even know why he doesn't trust me other than I used to smoke and at events would sneak off to smoke. Also, due largely to depression, I don't congregate with the other parents of activities that my son attends. I guess that would give me an "untrustworthy" demeanor to some. But I just couldn't stop thinking about it. It really made me sad to think about.

[softwaremom00]

I think you need a better therapist. Dump your current one. A good therapist is NEVER cruel to you. It can take several tries to find a good therapist. I have found that having good qualifications can help.(Not 100% necessary but useful as a filtering tool) I tend to like folks with their phd in psychology. The way I look at it is they dedicated 4 extra years of education to the field so they might care about it more.

Ask around for advice on a good therapist. LOTS of folks go for counseling so do not be ashamed. If your husband does not mind doing so ask him to ask friends at work for a good therapist referral. When I lived back east this is where I found the best therapist I have ever had. I loved going to my therapy appointments with her. She was/is a lovely person and so many years later I still think about her.

Congrats on getting out of the house and cooking. Bravo. Great job. You should be proud.

keep trying.. and be patient on the "Therapist Hunt" it takes time but finding a good therapist is sooo worth it.

hugs and prayers!

Softwaremom

[Hidden]

I wholeheartedly agree with you about going to the store! That’s a big deal to me as I’ve just started going myself. I have to have a list and psych myself up before I go! That’s a big accomplishment in my book!

I can relate to much of what you’re sharing. For me only, I have to make myself go and do things that I don’t want to do. I almost always enjoy those things once I get there. I have a tendency towards isolating myself, so socializing is very important, I believe. I feel like I’m always searching for that elusive balance in my life. It takes work for me to achieve it.

I truly believe in taking baby steps to get through depression. It sounds like that’s exactly what you’re doing. Just call the therapists’ office and cancel your next appt and don’t call back. Nowhere does it state that you have to see her. I would take a break from therapy right now if it were me. My new therapist looks like he’s 25 and talked to me like I was in the 2nd grade! He didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know about how to live and what to do. It was a complete waste of time and money. I won’t be going back to see him!

Please don’t think of yourself as a failure! Keep taking baby steps and hopefully you can turn your depression around! Are you spiritual? I find great comfort and peace with my daily spiritual routine. Hang in there! Sending you hugs!!

[pavicanada]

wow everything you wrote it I can relate. You should feel very proud of your progress and yes best idea find another therapist.

and you are not alone, look at me. I am here with the same or worst situation than you and you had actually inspire me to try to do things differently some how your story had help me see my life in a different perspective.

I have 2 girls teenagers and they say this is very common among youth and my symptoms are just the symptoms they had since they were 11 I was in awwwwww! how blind can I be. Because I was running the race work, work, work to survive I forgot about myself and my main concern was my girls and my mom and my sisters and my brother and my family. Now my Mom is gone my family apart all they can say is that I am weak and that all is in my head and its time for me to snap out of it. Like is an easy fix. Does anyone has a quick fix for insomnia anxiety depression and panic attacks? please tell me how long before I can feel better is my answer.

They said you are hook on pills now is worst. 1 zoplicone a 1 anti depressive I don't know the name. But my brain it feels like is gone blow up when I can not sleep I can be up to 3 or 4 night zero sleep. just letdown my body to rest laying down but no sleep is not healthy.

All the best to you it seems you have a wonderful husband. and a supporting family.

[dee_bells]

Hi candont you deserve a pat on the back for going to the store and even trying what you considered to be a “date” with your husband. Good for you!

I have had a variety of therapists over the past ten years. I have actually quit seeing two because I didn’t feel “it” after a couple sessions.

You need to find someone who is supportive and challenges you. For example, my therapist will come over in her chair, take my hands and say “now let’s discuss how that sounded to the other person.” Besides a multitude of problems I have borderline personality disorder so I don’t know what’s going to fly out of my mouth. I have better control when I think before I speak. But my therapist is so kind and points out different points of view.

I had a therapist, a man, he was nice enough but I was telling him an event that escalated for me and it was crazy. But after I told him he said that’s “fu#*king crazy” and started laughing. I stopped seeing him.

You need to find someone who works for you.

You sound so much like me as I don’t go anywhere or do anything. I just exist. I’d love to hear how everything works for you! Take care!

D