Was doing kinda okay but then went to therapy, brought it up again and i feel bad. I was scared of the half-sibling because of mom and sis not because of jelaousy and my therapist said it's normal to feel jelaous and now i feel like i'm jelaous. And i wasn't. I swear the thing that was bothering me was mom's reaction and Sister's mental health. Now i'm jelaous cause the baby has my dad. Great. I was just starting to feel better, distraction myself. And i'm broke. I litterary have only a couple of cents left in my purse. I'm broke. And i couldn't pay my therapist and she said "when u get it, come" instead of "next time" which made me feel bad. Am i so broken to not be able to find a single therapist or do therapists here Suck or did i overreact? And she said "ask the support group to hang out", i was scared, everyone is scared, we have anxiety, and i asked and they either left me on seen or said they're not in city. I feel so awkward. And it's near going home. I feel like i need to check up on mom and sis. I feel so alone. I have nobody. Yesterday when my roommate got home, she scolded me, i called granma and she paniced me, i called an unimate and she was too miserable and high to talk. I feel like nobody gives a damn about me. I feel so alone. I feel like i want to cry but nobody's gonna hear. I feel like i want to scream. I'm struggling that even my body is stiff. And back to my Word, i wasn't jelaous but then i got broke and i need dad to send me the Child support because i don't even have what to eat (my bread caught mold and my potatoes and sausage are terrible, how can i eat them but how can i waste food when i'm on the verge of starving? It's stressing me out 😭. Plus probably my roommates are mad for taking this space in the fridge) and i'm worried dad is saying "we" instead of "i". It's referimg to him n his wife. And omfg probably the baby. Damn, writing this i got this idea. Damn "us". "We will send you money" and they sent it too late and i couldn't go get them, the office closed because they sent them late. Damn them instead of him. I know, i know. I'm a goddamn hostile jelaous bi*ch that should go to therapy. Well, i'm trying. I'm trying to redeem myself. But it's backflipping. I know "leave him be happy", "the baby didn't do anything to you". I know. It's spinning in my head. But i'm a damn human too? Or i'm the villain? I'm the damn villain on their damn villain arc. I'm the villain nobody loves. I'm the villain hoping for the hero to come and end this misery called my life. But no hero. All alone. 2 years fighting. Why am i still alive? Probably don't have the guts to end this eternal agony. Eternal agony. On going misery. Judged, alone, claimed as weird, bad, psycho, rude, broke and broken, fighting but seeing no win. Why am i still alive? Nobody would even notice. Nobody would even notice. Probably would be relieved this crazy, jelaous, mean bish, burden, that doesn't clean the way is wanted and only needs money for food, is gone. I wish i was aborted. If i had 3 wishes. If i had 100 wishes, i would only wish for this. Or wish my parents never did the mistake of hooking up. And people still reproduce and value it. Life is a misery. Even though i tried my best. I tried therapy, meds, going out, study, have perfect score, went to the theather, have a plant, read, do meditations, journal. And yet my parents ruin it. Ruin me. And my sister probably. And she's really a worthy human. I'm gone but If they lose her the way they lost me, this would be a tragedy i would never forgive. And still can't tell them because i need their freaking money cause therapy is expensive and food got 10x more expensive because of the war. War, pandemic and family crisis. My therapist said how can i put the baby next to war and pandemic. I said "yeah, it's much worse". Giving life is as much of a trauma as taking one. As much of a sin. But hell is inside me. I'm hell. I used to be Heaven, write poetry, have flowers in my hair, be cutie pie. Now i'm the villain. I'm mean. I'm rude. I'm alone. "You're gonna have your own kids and recinsider". In what language should i explain i don't want kids? And i don't want anyone? I'm still not moved on from the one Who tought like me. In what language should i say life faded to pain and nothingness? Should i write "a damn nihilist" on my forehead for people to understand? Understand the urge to life (as Freud called it), the urge to life is a primal instinct and nothing to be praised. Nothing to be valued. There's only nothingness. The Universe is empty. And cold. And we're existentally alone. We're some mistake, some game of atoms and dice. Nothing in this Universe is made or lost. It already existed. So why do we ignorant humans think we can play it gods? Create new life? How prudent of us. Nothing is created or destroyed. Simple physics. Matter is only trsnsforming. Kinda metafored by the Eastern culture and the concept of rebirth. Redemption. And once redeemed fade to nothingness. Be freed of the prison of existence and merge the vast cold Universe. Being a human is so hard. So illogical. So allien. I think i failed
I feel so miserable. Atoms and dice - Anxiety and Depre...
I feel so miserable. Atoms and dice
Hi Real_me. I read everything you wrote! You have a lot on your plate….. but be rest assured that I hear you…. we hear you! Please take a deep breath right now.
Thank you so much 😭
Partner- NOT NOT to be insulting..if i were in ur shoes....id go to survvaval mode and stop feelingt anyint about anyone
sorry got interrrupted....ur in a huge pickle -----id make my plans to take care of u and survive....easy for me to say..find shelter resources, call help lines if there are...again..NOT to be insulting....not saying its easy..........so sorry ur in such a diff situattion
I really need to be in hospital or taken care of any way but in this country nobody cares about me. I'm in Bulgaria and here social and medical workers were used by my parents to scare me. Like "don't cry or the social workers will get you and put you in the orphange/homeless center center with ghetto people and have miserable life coundidions like hygene, food, clothing, accomodation. Same about mental hospitals. They don't take people like me and even If they do they would Treat me miserable, i would live in a complete misery and treaten like an animal. Since the very first moment my mom went crazy, the very first moment i found out dad's gf was pregnant, i knew i had to go to the mental hospital. And when the pandemic, war and all bullshit happened, i knew i was for there. Everything was happening feeling like bullshit is raining on me until i finally go to the hospital and i kept on not ending there and it kept on happening and i felt eternal agony, never ending misery. I really need someone to take care of me. But there's nobody. I can't clean the dishes myself. I can't handle myself. I can't communicate with my family. Still nobody cares. Nobody understands i'm sick and only getting sicker. I went to doctors and psychiatrists, they said "go to therapy". Worse when therapists say "go to the doctor". Feels like nobody cares. I tried to go to rehabitation hospital but they said they don't cover anxiety and there's no such illness. Every minor inconvience that happens to my mom and drive her crazy therefore scaring me makes me feel like the Universe wants me in the mental hospital. And still im never in. I don't know what to do.
ok - got it- ok as soome ne said....start breathing.....try to center......hear u got it....
lets prioritize- food, try to clean up as best u can....if ur having roubles help me understand...ur not botherint me....
keep my living area half way neat (just talkintg in general...not trying to be insulting)
get rest-many reasons...
lets send each other annd others some funny cards...k?
Thank you. Finally someone understands. Sometimes i just need this. This first aid help, not deep analysis, fixing or whatever, i need psychological first aid
really awesome...ya know...must of us need ....look...ive been in places and tmies ...aboslutely petrified ....and no power no resources totally alone........im not trying to be cute...but....more like fireman......not trying to be clever...but who doesnt need someone that has their back.....we all need a bud a pal watver someone we can trust who isnt going to say ...ahhha ha. or al ath stupid stuff...we need practical stuff....eating water, soome who will jsut listen and not make judments and conclusions.....not yet another know it all critic...
so get it.....
i shouldhave been in th miliatry and id be standing guard no prob and get u connected. wtc....keep each ohther company....no expectationns strings no hidden agendas or sterring.....its ur life....
how did she do that? so cool.....
we/u can talkabout anyting u want.....and i do mean anyting.....i dont care...fine with me....times when i wish i had soomeone who just would not burn me.....no matter what i said r did....not argue not tell mw how i sulud think or feel.....shut up andlisten....soget it...againur helpingme
im just a layman but been there"- if desperate can i go to the hospital for social worker or advice? or reoureces.....sure lots people here better advice.....take care of u first....again easy for me to say sorry
this will be th ultimate test of courage and being brave....is not the absence of fear....u must*** not intropsect..u must just do it...do whatever u have to do survive and plan and protect urself....dont think about it just do it (been there many times) ....courage is not the abselce of fear..u must just do it....whatever ...ur stronger and more capable than u know.....again easy for me to say.....
gather materials maps, anything useful...safe houses libraries police stations hosp any place u can think of....
plans a through z....
back up plans......
good luck ignore anytiny i say that is insulting or doesnt fit...
I don't have any energy or nerves or brain cells left to plan
k sure its scary scary scary ...sure ur exhausted...rest some...we will be here
Thanks. I'm so restless and exausted in the same time. Burning and burnt out. I need rest so bad
yes--- we must**** take care of ourselves too....so rest and we will stand guard...will be hre alll night til 4 am my time.....we will be here all night....rest now....u have faced great challenges....well done...rest and we will be here....
Thanks so much. It's really needed. Thanks for everything
im here because many many people here and elsewhere have been there for me....both knees on the ground........they saved me many many many times....ur
R
not- any trouble or a burden
someday...ur will be there for others and
know it or not ur helping me feel useful ...ur NOT a bother... in t5im s of crisis we all pull togher and help one another ...no score card or anything ...we do what we need to do....ur helping me
Happy to hear this 💜
yes....hearing from u...no matter what u say or do......u can vent read the phoone book why not teach us ur lnaguage or customs.....virtual meals...et....yes hearing from u and getting mail is a gift...u can help me with my friends...i need ur help and insights....are u gooed with phon3es......we will keep busy while th world does what it needs to do.........so what food do u like? yes ur helping me
So glad i'm helping you and happy to help you more. I like chocolate and chicken nuggets and pizza. Getting hungry and it's 1am
rest when u need write as long as u want ..me anyone we live mail
i email myself to get mail....lol
ur not a burden
Thanks. I need this reminder. And i'm so tired but feel too miserable to sleep
ooooh i get it.....hard to unwind....but see in Britain.....they get old fashioned neibhbors......invite people to tea and talk....work hard but....time to meet at the pub- talk and fellowhsip and discuss .....good and bad things going on.....
take care of each other...not so indivualistic like this coun5ry and they respect people helping others....u know...i dont mean lip service....if i help a hurt dog or person....they would never dump on me for it.....very different people....ur not.....a bother...they take care of each other....
music.youtube.com/watch?v=m...
i was a very protective older brother......no one gets to my package....fear, being alone being scared being overwhelmed perfectly undertandable.....u help; me knowing ur ok ....or talk to me .....anyting keeps us both going.........u help me more than u know...enough tradedies...
music.youtube.com/watch?v=g...
long distance dedication from Sally and Henry - wishing u well and we all surrounding u with protective karma.....
my county is so selfish aned has noo respect for compassion or troops guarding the people or nature or ...my country does not respect quiete people.....Britain is all that way............they listen to each other......not this country...ur not a burden...they hlep each other all the time .......
Bad anxiety, I feel so overwhelmed 
A good therapist is hard to find
I dont know what I'm doing here.
