Pregnant and suffering from Anxiety and Depression

[DepressedMom2]

Well I ain’t sure where to start other than with saying I’ve suffered from anxiety and depression since I was small, and I’m also a suicidal survivor. I ain’t very social which makes it harder for me to find helpful resources that may be easy for some. People tell me to get out there make friends, get some sun and find a hobby. But I find that very hard to do. I much rather be in my house where I’m comfortable. I have good days where I’ll hang out with a friend. Or I’ll go do a little shopping by myself. But it’s not as often as I’d like it to be and I feel I don’t have any control over that. I am a mom to a toddler entering Elementary school already and I’m currently pregnant. It took years for me to get pregnant again, I did and unfortunately had a miscarriage. I went to a dark place I couldn’t socialize with anyone not my child or boyfriend. People try reaching out but to me they wasn’t saying the right things, they didn’t understand me so I lost communication for a bit. A little over a month later I was pregnant again. So far so good I am almost there. But it has been a roller coaster for me fighting my inner enemy. I’m more moody of course and all I want to do is lay in bed. My boyfriend is gone most of the month for work so it’s just me and my toddler hours away from any family and friends. When my boyfriend is here we try to get out and enjoy family time. I’m ok but when he leaves I go into this depressed state and I feel really horrible saying it but my toddler is the one who sees my moody side, I try I really do with the little self control I have I try with her. I now know and understand her acting out and behavior is because of me. And because her dad is gone most of the time. She gives me a hard time when her dad leaves, she talks back and raises her voice at me. She will throw tantrums and then when she calms down she wants to love on me. And this will sound horrible but I don’t like it when she wants to love on me. I want to push her away, I’m frustrated with her for the way she behaves. I get really anxious taking her to the store with me and she wants to act out all I want to do is run out of the store. But at the end of the night when I’m happy to finally be going to bed, I cry because I know I’m not a good enough mom. I’m lacking at my only job and I just don’t understand why it’s so hard for me to just be compassionate towards my child, to keep calm and discipline her without raising my voice or expecting her to know things or do things for herself that she can already do. I have admitted to myself that I have issues and need help. I grew up talking to a therapist but now a days with the insurance problems and the fear that I’ll seem so unfit to people they will want to take my kids away. I feel the need to keep it quiet. Till I found this online support group, and I hope to find better ways to deal with my situation.

[hypercat54]

Hi nice to meet you and welcome to the site. I am sorry you are going through such a bad time with your depression and anxiety. You say you have been to therapy - are you going now? I have never been a mother so will leave any advice to those on here who have, except to say that children need constancy in their lives and also rules, otherwise they feel insecure.

The only other thing I want to say is if the authorities took away children from parents who are finding it hard to cope then I don't think any children would be left living with parents! As long as your child is healthy and looked after and living in a good environment then please don't worry about that and get some help from your doctor.

It would also be a good idea to have a chat with your bf so don't try and cope with this alone. It may be he can be home more or even look for another job so you see him daily. x

[DepressedMom2 in reply to hypercat54]

Hey it’s nice to meet you as well and thank you, I’m actually glad I found the site. I am not going to counseling right now unfortunately. I keep telling myself I’m going to bring it up to my dr, so that he could help me get the extra help. But every time I go to a dr apt eager to talk to him, I find myself sitting on the table before he walks in, with the idea that I don’t need to mention anything. That everything will get better on its own.. I don’t know if I’m just scared to say it out loud that I need the help or hopeless because I’m pregnant and there’s nothing we can do right now since I can’t take any medication. I don’t know what it is but I just can’t say it out loud. Which is why I decided to give this online support group a try for the 1st time.

[Hidden]

Hey there! Kenster told me that you might be interested in having a chat with someone who is going through the same thing. I am currently pregnant! I’m almost to the finish line too, & I completely get it. I don’t currently have a toddler, but I think you’re being too hard on yourself. You’re going through a lot & it seems you’re doing a lot by yourself. It’s hard keeping your head above water, but when you have to also think about your little girl, as well as the baby in your tummy, it can become too much. I’m speaking from knowing friends that have several children & do majority of it by themselves.

I’m with Hypercat on speaking to your partner. You guys are a team & if you need him to help, I would totally let him know. I know that you said he’s away a lot for work, but is it possible for him to find a job closer to home? Do you have family or any friends that can help you? I definitely think seeing someone would benefit you, but I also know how hard it is when you don’t have the funds to do it.

I’m so glad you’re here looking for support. We’re a tight little family here & we support each other as much as possible. I hope you continue to use this site & know you always have a friend in me! Us preggers have to stick together! It’s all gonna be okay, honey!!!! Stay strong & fight the good fight. Xoxoxo

[DepressedMom2]

Thank you for replying back, I was honestly afraid to message you. Last night I actually mentioned to my boyfriend about how I’ve been feeling only because I have been feeling I should look into getting my tubes tied after I have my baby. I feel like I can’t go thru this again. Pregnant and taking care of 1 is hard enough I can’t imagine 2 and pregnant. He wants another baby but later down the line and I’m trying to take that into consideration. So I decided to be open to him about how I’ve been feeling and I did it thru message of course because I can’t say it out loud in person, I find it impossible to talk. He didn’t have much to say other than we can talk about that later. I asked him to take his time to think about it but I would like to know his thoughts before my due date. Which is 6 wks away. He don’t understand where I’m coming from no one in my family does, my mom tries to understand me, she supports me from a far. And this ain’t something I feel comfortable talking to just any friend about. His job is all we depend on right now. We are trying to settle down get a house and his job is the only thing that can make that happen in a short period of time. We have brought more bills upon ourselves leaving his job right now is out of the question. Especially with a baby coming soon, we depend on his job for everything including medical insurance so I’m just trying to find inexpensive ways to cope with everything. With you guys replying, I honestly feel alittle more relieved knowing I’m not alone, that you guys are hearing me out and understand.

[Hidden in reply to DepressedMom2]

I completely understand. Sorry that I didn’t reply. I didn’t see your post back to me. You can pm me whenever you want. Don’t ever be afraid to message me! I promise that I’ll respond to you. I figured that’s why you guys can’t. His job supports you guys. It’s easier said than done, right? Well, I can suggest that this site will help you feel better. Whenever you have a question, just post it & there will always be someone who goes through the same or similar things as you. If you want to take our conversation more private, you can pm me. I’m here for you! Xoxoxo

[Beauty987]

Hi. Welcome to the site. I'm so glad you joined. I recognize myself in you. I feel like I wasn't a good mom to my toddlers. I don't think I connected to them emotionally. I didn't realize until later that it was because of emotional abuse I had experienced from my own childhood.

And I think you are (like me) a Highly Sensitive Person. I didn't realize it until a couple years ago when i read the book by that name by Elaine N. Aron. I think the book would really help you learn to accept yourself and not feel guilty about not being social, etc. God created each of as unique individuals. Just because you don't enjoy social settings, doesn't make you wrong. You're just different. And different isn't wrong. It's just different.

Do you belong to a church? If not, you can find a good one in your area if you go on Crossway.org. Some churches have Moms groups like MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers). You can search online for that also. I have always gotten along better with women older than me or younger than me. Try to find an older woman who can spend time with you and your child.

In the meantime, this site bit.ly/2Ud9b0J has some great parenting resources.

I hope you are able to find some encouragement and hope. And congratulations on your pregnancy. Praying everything works out.