negative thoughts

[jolivz]

my depression was crippling, as an introvert i stayed inside. I was safe here and i could prolong life as i wasted away into a hole. I liked this i, liked being in control of something, when everything around me was crumbling. I had a safe haven. I was in debt, my brothers addicted to drugs, i had witnessed my best friend kill himself. I had no where to go i had only a few friends and they seemed to wither away right after highschool. My parents tried the tough love strategy and i fought them every step of the way. My step dad and mom are really far right, and not physically abusive but mentally abusive. My brothers sobered up and this made me some what happier but i still am just un happy. Sometimes i do have thoughts of suicide and iv told me mom that i need to see some one i had a therapist but i stopped going. one problem i faced was getting out of the house so i got a job and started to clean my room up every morning i started taking vitamins cause i dont eat much. Im twenty about to be 21 and my mom gets really upset if i try to cook cause she thinks il make a mess. I stay up really late and my sleeping habits are terrible. I started to try and make a schedule but im just so overwhelmed with negative thoughts that even this progress dosnt satisfy me. I used to be so happy when my friend was still alive i was always the positive, and nothing could hold me back. I thought maybe i should read so i started reading Jordan petersons self help book i stopped after page 50 i dont know why but i have no motivation to continue to do things i enjoy. Iv also started to get these really bad migranes that last for hours and really hurt. im really really sad and all of this just weights on me i know i need help but ist so hard when im broke and have no car. i know this post has no coherent manor of thought but i think that just goes to show how broken i am i really have collapsed and just a functioning body of depression i want to feel positive. i dropped out of college cause my car broke down and iv had a string of bad luck some that i might be the cause of. I see all my friends on social medias happy and enjoying college i feel sad when i see this cause i feel like iv missed out on such a great experience and i just want my life back i know i cant fix this in a day but im just so tired and so overwhelmed that sometimes i just want to give up. i try really hard and it just doesnt ever seem like its enough.

[rpert]

Thanks for sharing @jolivz. Whilst you say your words might have no coherent manor it’s extremely brave to share them so openly. So many of us can relate to the feelings that you’ve had and are having.

I just wanted to share that I think you sound like a very brave and proactive individual. Whilst it can be difficult to keep new habits like cleaning your room, sleeping better and reading it’s also very positive that you took that big step to start those habits in the first place. Maintaining motivation can be a struggle but to me it sounds like you’re on the right path. Keep going!

I also wanted to share was that you shouldn’t worry about what you appear to see on social media. Unfortunately, everything we see through social media is now heavily filtered and that’s not just via the special colours added at the end. It’s easy for us to think it’s all reality but everyone has struggles in life but everyone has the potential to learn from those struggles, teach others, and be happy.

Again, I just wanted to say that it’s extremely brave of you to share your feelings and I think you’ve been extremely proactive and already very successful in your journey!

[jolivz in reply to rpert]

your an awesome person thank you for your kind words ill continue to prove to myself i can do it

[hypercat54 in reply to jolivz]

Hi maybe you are trying to do too much at once? When we are feeling this depressed it is better to just try 1 or 2 small things such as tidying up your room for 5 minutes daily. Once you get into this habit then it's time to do something else.

Before you know it you will have made several small changes to your life which add up to quite a big one. x

[jolivz in reply to hypercat54]

i agree im impatient and want results tho :/

[hypercat54 in reply to jolivz]

Well you don't get results doing it too quickly do you? You start with the best of intentions then stop. This creates a vicious circle where you seem to fail then you expect to fail next time. Small steps are the key so curb your impatience. Rome wasn't built in a day you know! x