I'm so overwhelmed. I tried to clean so my roommate is happy but when she got home she found mistakes in my cleaning and had to clean all over again. She's probably annoyed at me. How can i be so stupid? I can't even clean. And she thinks i stay here all day, not have a job, and she who works has to clean. I feel terrible. I have been thinking this for hours. Can't even go to the kitchen to make a sandwich, feeling so guilty. But enough for cleaning. Like why can't ppl understand that it might seem like i'm free but in my head im overwhelmed? And burnt out of it. Nightmares every night. Had a fever too. Granma called. Mom called. Overwhelmed me more. Now it's 11pm, my head hurts, i need to eat sth to take meds but i can't make a sandwich or buy sth cause it's late, probably best to sleep but can't cause overwhelmed. Called my other granma cause i thought "let's finish it all today, had therapy, finished 3rd year university, laundry, cleaning, called dad, mom, Grandma, other granma" but woke them up and i feel bad. I mess everything. Am i stupid or what? I'm overwhelmed but how to explain im deabiliteted by anxiety and act like my brain is a vegetable. Why am i so overwhelmed by everything? So sensetive to everything? My neighboirs might play a song and it will be on repeat in my head till the morning. But i will be too busy with it and won't notice i didn't changed the cleaning water. Also my food voucher turned out to not work and i already bought sth and when i gave the voucher there was a glitch with it and i had to pay it. 45743 thoughts are ruining in my head with 6643386km/h. I'm fleating. I have no roots. I have no coping. I have nobody.
I had a walk. It's something i have since home - when mess up the household and am afraid of the ppl i live with, i just take the rubbish out and have a long walk. I get scared and i just need to leave. It's a common symphtom of panic. And walks are needed in these moments. Too bad i got dizzy and it got late. I'm dissosiating. How to live with an illness ppl don't understand? Don't take as an excuse? Don't provide Treatment or disability status (in my country at least)? How to function? How to explain to ppl i can't function? I'm a pile of misery. Ppl leave me and i don't blame them, "I would leave me If i could" - Halsey
