Im going insane

[Against_the_current]

Everything is spiraling. Dang new year making me so stressed. Im not okay. And my alcoholic mother has the nerve to call me drugs addict because i take meds for my anxiety and ptsd. Grandma in the hospital, staying behind her daughter, saying im insane. Im going there. Dad called and asked whether we travel tomorrow, i thought tomorrow is 31st so i said yes, called mom and told her. Saw it's 30th and i would have to spend 2 days with mom so i asked dad to go on 31st, he said yes. Then I told mom and feel like she's disappointed, told grandma im anxious about it and she said mom does everything for me and I still freak out. Mom startet texting me, asking me about what wine to buy, i got triggered and said i don't want alcohol, im on meds. She called me drug addict and started her emotional game. I don't want her to drink and get excited over alcohol and im the drug addict? Meanwhile my friend said she's going insane and not to text her, now she's like "but weren't you going to come". Im going insane. All night i couldn't sleep because i was feeling grandma, turned out she was having a surgery. I feel miserable overwhelmed. Im lost. Everything is spiraling around me. I feel like I dissapoint everyone. This writing might be distorbted but my head is distorted aghjgcxffvccvb

[Starrlight]

I’m sorry you’re struggling , I am too. So it sounds like you are intuitive and empathetic and those are good but can be overwhelming to worry about others so much. Try focusing on taking care of yourself first.

[SoporRose in reply to Starrlight]

Starrlight,

My sympathy and support go out to you as well. Are you able to find some ways to take care of yourself? I know how hard that can be when one is grappling with one's pain.

Ruth

[Starrlight in reply to SoporRose]

Oh thank you SoporRose it feels good to be heard and cared about. I don’t know what to do. I showered, walked, studied, had an orange and helped care for my mom, did some laundry…full day… I’m really struggling in my mind. I feel like I can’t keep this up. I have too much on my mind no matter how busy I am I worry. No matter what breaks I take I’m overwhelmed. My therapist canceled our appointment for today. I don’t know. It hurts so badly. Everyone seems to be living great around me and I’m suffering so much I am so done.

[Against_the_current in reply to Starrlight]

I feel you. Always so much on my mind

[Starrlight in reply to Against_the_current]

I’m going to watch a movie to try and get out of my head.

[Against_the_current in reply to Starrlight]

Same but it got 3am. Im really worried with this weird sleep schedule. Still anxious because my mom

[SoporRose in reply to Starrlight]

I understand all of that. As I've told AtC, I wish I had magic fixes for all of us. The only thing I know to do is let you know that sometimes being crazy is the only sane response to the world and what goes on inside us. It doesn't mean we've lost touch with reality; we're probably just too aware of what it.

[Starrlight in reply to SoporRose]

❤️

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

I feel so sad that actually the world is crazy, not me, and im reacting to it 😔

[1962faithorn in reply to SoporRose]

You are correct we live in a crazy world and some people are more aware of it

[SoporRose]

Your mother's accusing YOU of being the addict is what's insane.

You can't track what is real and what's not when so may people around you are holding up a false version of how things are. It's like being in a house of mirrors where every image you see is distorted and you can't recognize yourself and you can't find the way out and don't even remember going in. If you need to, tell your family you're not well (which is true) and can't make it home and stay safe in your room. Write and draw and scream into your pillow and drink something warm and have a cookie or whatever you want to do. You may not have any really good choices right now, but try to figure out the least harmful one and go for that.

I'm so sorry your new year is already off to a lousy start, but I hope hope hope 2023 brings you some relief. We're here for you!

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

Thanks for being here for me. You're so right. Im tearing up reading it, it's so right that it hurts. I'm in a freakshow, not in a family. It's a horror i don't remember getting in. And then I feel insane when im just in pain, unexplained pain because most people don't care to understand me like you do or prefer to keep manipulating me. Im in a twisted horror. And who understands. I have this feeling that if i meet the year bad, im gonna have a bad year. I can't survive another one. Pain is overwhelming right now. Nobody cares im in a horror, my friends" dumbed me, employers dumbed me. This world chewed me up and still refuses to spill me out. Rn i got sick and i wanted to go home while being sick and for new year and now when the primal panic went away i feel like I need to take care of myself. I don't know how. Or i just think i don't while i can't let my guard down and rest. And scared to meet new year alone. I really need comfort rn and it's only me so i have to give it to myself

[SoporRose in reply to Against_the_current]

" i feel like I need to take care of myself. I don't know how. Or i just think i don't while i can't let my guard down and rest. And scared to meet new year alone. I really need comfort rn and it's only me so i have to give it to myself"

These are problems I have, too, though I know my situation is not nearly as crushing as yours. Somehow you manage to get through school, get through another day, and that gives me hope that you will be able to hold on until you're in a position to make some of the changes you need in your life.

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

Thank you. Yeah, need changes but focused on surviving...Finally understood. So it's not only me?

[SoporRose in reply to Against_the_current]

It's not only you, but your family is more tangled up than most, I think. That makes it harder.

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

Yes. It's so tangled up, im wondering whether to cut it, ignore it or keep on trying to untangle. My family is a freak show

[Tara52]

So sorry for all of your pain I don't know what's going on with all of this craziness. I have been up all night also with crazy symptoms and bad thoughts. I will be praying for you. I hope 2023 gets better for all of us! 💗 Hugs!

[Against_the_current in reply to Tara52]

Thanks Tara. Hope you get better too. Hugs 💗

[PeaceNeed]

I know how u feel. I'm overwhelmed myself. Plus, I've alienated myself from family....no support at all.

[Against_the_current in reply to PeaceNeed]

I feel you. I feel like a ghost existing in a parallel dimension. No support. Family scares the hell out of me, friends are gone because of my mental illness. Im all alone and my body responds to it. My mind too

[MaggieSylvie]

If the support is flawed, it ain't support.

[MaggieSylvie]

New Year is only another day. You could sleep through it; I have done in the past, and thinking of it, perhaps a good sleep is just what you need. Do you need other people around you if you're sleeping?

You may be young, but you can take charge of your life and your body and what you do or don't put in it. Remember this calmly whenever anyone tries to criticise you or tempt you. Hopefully they will stop when they realise you are serious. You have to concentrate on what you have to do to control your pain.

[Against_the_current in reply to MaggieSylvie]

Thank you. I really needed this. I was so lost in my superstition "if i meet it bad, it will be a bad year" and I usually can never sleep at midnight. Somehow i have night terrors happening exactly at midnight. And yes i need to show them im serious and im a young adult and i need these meds (because of them). Thank you

[MaggieSylvie in reply to Against_the_current]

I'm glad to be able to help. Sleep well for as long as you like.