Shattered

[KathKMit]

I thought that a long weekend would help me feel better, but all I want to do is sob. I can’t remember the last time I really felt like smiling without having to force it. I have never felt with depression, but I am afraid that I am sliding down that slippery slope. I just feel that my being has shattered in to a million tiny pieces that I can’t put back together again. On Thursday I received an email from my principal letting me know I’m being put on a formal improvement plan. I am really not completely sure what this means, I just know that apparently I have not lived up to her ever changing expectations. How on earth do you please someone who can’t be pleased??? I feel as though I have done everything she has asked of me, but it is so hard to really know as her ideas of what she wants me to do/how she wants me to teach my small groups is ever changing. My head is spinning and I am miserable. I am not myself and I’m sooooo tired of this vicious anxiety/depression rollercoaster I have been on for months. I LOVE what I do and I can’t imagine doing anything else, but I’m starting to seriously rethink my career choice after 18 yrs. it makes me really sad.

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest/vent a little.

[jkl5500]

Maybe you can use this notice from your principal to find out exactly where you stand with her - in a non-confrontational way, of course. In the meantime, it wouldn't hurt to look for another teaching position. It sounds like your boss is impossible to please, so don't let it destroy your health.

[KathKMit in reply to jkl5500]

Thanks. I’m am super frustrated. It is so annoying.

[Agora1]

KathKMit, it does a body good to vent because then you are not just holding the emotions in but picking the issue apart. Making a pile of negatives and positives. 18 years is a long time but unless you get out from under the scrutiny of that woman, you will never be your true self while working there.

Reading your post a couple times, I am counting more negative words and phrases then I am positive reasons for staying where you are at. It is a decision that only you can make. Is the impact on your emotional status worth battling everyday? I worry for your mental health which can lead to physical illness down the road. I do wish you well. Take care of yourself Kath. xx

[KathKMit in reply to Agora1]

Thank you. 🙂. I’m just REALLY frustrated with everything right now.

[Eriq70 in reply to KathKMit]

I hear ya. For me I usually find im the source of the problem(not saying you are) so I'd suggest a good nights sleep and then start fresh. I think deep down she wants the best for you. I'd sign the agreement as a way of showing your commitment..it seems very fair and advantageous.

[JLH96]

Personally I think venting is so important. I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years and it made my anxiety worse. What did I do to deserve this? Why me? I wanted to punch everyone who said to just get over it, to just get out of bed, to just be okay. It’s so much work to be okay. Everyday tasks are so hard. You aren’t alone by any means. Try to take some time for you and try as hard as you can to be positive. You can make it through this. We all can. Be gentle with yourself.

[KathKMit in reply to JLH96]

Thank you. Getting out of bed in the morning is one of the hardest things I do each day. Unless you have personally experienced extreme anxiety, you can’t possibly understand what a struggle it is to physically function each day. It is EXCRUCIATING and EXHAUSTING. I have no idea how to make others understand my everyday struggles and that makes it all the more frustrating and infuriating. I am doing the best I am able right now and my best is just not good enough for some apparently. I know I will survive this. I am STRONG and STUBBORN. 🙂

[JLH96 in reply to KathKMit]

You can do this. I didn’t leave my bed or eat for 3 days. I just physically couldn’t. Yes if my roommates had understood it would have been easier but I’m strong and I’m getting myself though this. I can do it and so can you.

[Eriq70 in reply to KathKMit]

Right on. You'll get where ya need to be. A positive attitude is key.

[cricketannie]

Oh, I am so sorry. I know how devastating it must feel to know your principal doesn’t approve of your teaching techniques. Have she scheduled a meeting with you to go over her concerns? Maybe you could take a moment to level with her and explain that you feel like you are trying your best, and are at a loss for what to do next. Try keeping open communication with her. Communication always helps tough situations. And start looking around for other teaching positions. Maybe moving to a new school with a fresh start would help a lot of things out. I know I would have a hard time staying in a place with so much negativity.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

[Eriq70]

Its very hard to always know what's best for us..myself included. If I trust someone then i just try and Renner that when I'm confused. Trust is like faith..kinda all or nothing. It helps me see through the fog of my own making. Its a relief. Of course I screw it up a lot. Luckily the people I trust are smarter than me. 😀