Trying...

[SimplyMe87]

Okay. This is my first time actually opening up about what’s going on in my life. So here goes....

I am a 30 yr old mother of 2 young children. 8 and 2. This past year has been a struggle. My 8 yr old has been diagnosed with high functioning autism/adhd/anxiety/depression, and my 2 yr old is just going through the ‘terrible two’ stage right now. I often notice that when she cries, so do I. I was with her father for about two years before he tried to kill me. He became very abusive, and told me if I ever tried to leave him, he would do so. He definitely tried, but as u can see, I’m still here. I guess that has to mean something. *shrugs*.

So now I’m raising 2 children alone. Completely alone. Hoping they don’t ever make the same mistakes that I did. I made ALOT of mistakes. Sometimes I don’t even know how to speak up for myself, although some ppl would consider me a loud mouth.

The person who always been the closest to me, is now a stranger. My mother. She has been through a lot. From getting addicted to pain pills, which stemmed from her breaking her back...to now having a stroke and being wheelchair bound, due to her not having feeling in her left side. I always thought she was so strong. The strongest woman I knew. Now she is so helpless and seems so weak. She lets my stepfather walk all over her and doesn’t speak up anymore, like she used to. I guess she just feels helpless now.

One of my closest cousins got into a horrible car accident. She is only 36. Can’t really move on her own. Can’t talk too well. Has to build up her vocal cords, since she had a trek in her throat for months after the accident. I just don’t understand why this happened to her. She always wanted children, and now..she has a low percentage of that ever happening. I feel so bad. Why her? She went from working on the trauma floor as a nurse, to becoming a trauma patient herself. How ironic.

Everything has been happening back to back. Although it hasn’t affected me physically, it definitely has mentally..and sometimes I feel I can’t take it. Like I’m lost. I had been taking anxiety and depression meds for years, and finally decided to quit taking both of them bc they changed me. I wasn’t myself. I was numb. I didn’t care. I abused them. 1 didn’t work anymore, so i would take more. I felt like since i wasn’t crying everyday, they were working and I was fine. I was wrong. They completely changed the person i was. They made me so bold, I’d even steal whatever I needed for my kids when i didn’t have the money...or I’d say hurtful things to ppl close to me and honestly (at the time) didn’t care about the consequences. A horrible horrible way to be. The meds affected me differently than it did others, I guess. Now that I’ve stopped taking them, I’m back to myself. My crybaby, hurt, scorned self. :/

I feel stuck. Everything from my past is catching up to me, and I’m actually afraid for what’s to come. It’s all bad news. Any news I’ve gotten is bad news. I’m just tired. I know I’ve made my bed, so I have to lay in it. Although I know that since now I can’t change the past, I’m hoping I can change the future.

I feel like I’ll never find someone to genuinely love me. I just feel like a complete mess. I have my children, so I should feel blessed to have them..& I really do love them with everything in me, but I feel like I’m failing them. I don’t feel like a good mother at all. All I do is cry. I try not to let them see me do that, but sometimes it just happens. I just break down. My 8 yr old feels like his life is so hard right now. Although he doesn’t have to do anything but go to school and live life, he isn’t happy. I feel like the one to blame for that.

There’s so much more to everything that I just wrote, but that’s whats going on in a nut shell. & that’s only what’s been happening lately. I have a lot of bottled up emotions from my past, but everyone keeps telling me to move forward. I’m trying. My therapist thinks I’m doing great, but I don’t see it.

I’ll maybe write more later. Going to try to get rest. My mind is constantly worrying about things. Wish I could look forward to the holidays. This year is just so horrible to me. I just said the other day, “If I’m going to feel this way everyday, I might as well feel like this in hell.” A horrible way of thinking. But lately, I just don’t want to be here anymore. :’(

[Clarebear86]

You are so brave and strong for sharing all of this. You have made such a good effort to be there for friends and are obviously a very caring person.

[SimplyMe87 in reply to Clarebear86]

Thank you. I really do try to be. It’s so much to it, but way too much to write right now. Just writing that has made me feel so exhausted. (If that makes sense) :/

[Clarebear86 in reply to SimplyMe87]

Yes it does and hopefully it will help make you feel just a tiny bit better in time. Everyone needs to be able to vent and let their frustrations out. As I have slowly begun to realise myself.

[Agora1 in reply to SimplyMe87]

I understand SimplyMe87, but letting it out is cathartic in it's own small way.x

[SimplyMe87 in reply to Agora1]

Very true

[Agora1 in reply to SimplyMe87]

I have so much I could say to you SimplyMe87, but others have pretty much summed it up and so I will send you a Virtual Hug with love xx

[SimplyMe87 in reply to Agora1]

Thank you

[Hidden]

Thank you for sharing SimplyMe87, it takes courage to open up about our lifes struggle. I felt the emotions in your post, I can relate so much to everything you said. I feel like you do , what you put in your last words most days but then I feel like we are for a reason. To live life with struggles, happiness, sadness,love, pain, kindness, and to expierence it all the good and bad. You also have to live to raise your sweet babies and show them that momma can and will do it against all odds.That you gave them all the love you had even when we didn't feel good and are struggling too. (I cried so much while my kids were growing up and infront of them to because they were all I had and it was only them who would try to comfort me) I tell myself that at times too, maybe my boys don't see it now because they are unruly teens but maybe when they are grown men with their own families. (Can't wait to take care of the grandbabies one day lol) one reason I want to live...longer God willing. The thing i regret is that when I cried alot, (I still do now) when they were little my sister used to get mad and say why do you cry so much in front of them you are scarring them for life. They are only going to remember you a depressed crying mother, and then that made me feel like a failure at parenting them too. But I did all I could with out any help from anyone, even the father. But i always kept up with my Dr appt and mental health checkup and therapy, I always told myself I need to be the best person I can for them,mentally and physically...because we were all we had. So nonetheless You can and will over come this period off stress and come out even stronger. I hope this makes sense and helps.

[SimplyMe87 in reply to Hidden]

I’m trying to believe that when it’s all said and done, I can say I defeated anxiety and depression and get everything that i lost, back. I’ve lost a lot due to my issues. I’m hoping that one day I can find someone who will love and understand me, but I guess right now I need to just focus on me and my kids. Thank you for the kind words. I wish you a wonderful holiday season. May we both do our best to enjoy Thanksgiving, and just take it one day at a time.

[Hidden in reply to SimplyMe87]

Read my previous post, I've had alot of issues esp trying to find love with my disorders who will love me for me. I've been singlefor 12 yrs since me and my abusive fatherto boys split. Been dating for the last 3 1/2 years and fear I'll be alone forever. So I understand that one too, let's chat sometime. Again feel better and take are 💜💕☺

[SimplyMe87 in reply to Hidden]

I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever find anyone who genuinely loves me and my children. My son already suffered trauma from my daughters father. I don’t want to ever put him through it again. I feel so bad. All because this man pretended to be a kind, caring person. I know a man should be the last thing on my mind..but I guess since being single for about 2 1/2 yrs, I feel like I derserve to find love, affection, and happiness.

[Hopeful-Tinkerbell]

I feel like we are kindred spirits. I feel that way about many people here. As a person who feels so alone in the world being here makes me feel like I’m not alone. I worked in the intensive care unit (cardiac, surgical and trauma) for years. I have also worked a lot with children that have special needs. For one that in itself is one of the hardest jobs in the world. Mom to an autistic child. It takes someone so special and God thought you were the perfect choice! You should feel blessed. My nephews are autistic. They are so special and I love them so much. I think people that have mental illness can often times be more sympathetic to others that do. I love that you are a Christian. Well that is a very broad term really but I see that your faith is very important to you! It is very important to me as well. Crying and being a sensitive person is a good quality not bad. It means you do care! The terrible twos I would love to say get better but the threes are not always pleasant. I like to stay up at night. I feed off that calming sleeping energy. It is so relaxing! I also have a small older dog who sleeps in my lap and sometimes gets so happy especially for treats or a walk which is good for people too! I feed off her happy energy and her sleepy calming energy. We all put energy out into that world. If someone puts sad, angry or bad energy out you will feel that. You can try making yourself a safe zone. It may be when your oldest is at school and littlest is sleeping. Don’t let that type of energy in that space. It may have to be after they go to bed. Go in the bathroom and relax in a bubble bath. God doesn’t give us more than we can handle. If God brings you to it He will bring you through it!! You just have to let Him. When I feel it coming on I try to pray. Just start praying and tell God that this situation is too much for you to handle and you need to give it to Him. Then let go! That is hard. I visualize it leaving. When I pray I trust that God will and I can feel the calm. Sometimes I don’t catch it in time and I’m too irrational to focus on anything. I just cry and say please God, please God. Trust me I have a past! I gave that to God too! Jesus forgives us. The hard part is forgiving ourselves. Ask for forgiveness in Jesus name and apologize for past sins. Then all we can do is try to do better. When Jesus was on the cross he forgave the murderer. He can forgive you too. He does know what you are going through and understands. Keep the faith. Children do get better. Then teenagers happen. Then it’s adult hood. That’s can be really nice. It comes and goes. Celebrate the good times! Some days that may have to be when they are asleep. And that’s ok too! God always answers our prayers it just isn’t always the answer we want, when we want it. It is however always the right answer at the right time. You just have to recognize it. Garth Brooks wrote the song Unanswered Prayers. I was just watching him and he said he kept praying for this girl. He didn’t get her and then he found his wife who is so perfect from for him at exactly the right time for him. It was that unanswered prayer. I’m so sorry for the family in your life struggling and you! My mom is very old. She is my best friend, well only friend, but I can’t put my problems on her. She can’t handle it. My sister is an addict. I can’t rely on her. I’m the one my family comes to for help. Only I can’t help myself. I was the one that had the wreck. I was in a coma. I broke both legs, both knees, my femur and hip, crushed my jaw, ruptured my spleen, severe head injury etc. my reality has changed. I have no memory of anything other than turning to the door after basketball practice and saying by to friends. I woke up from a coma in the hospital with my mom beside me. Now it is time for me to be there for my mom. It’s hard at times but feeling needed and justified helps me so much. There was a reason for everything. God doesn’t give us horrible things. He is a loving caring God. My accident was either due to my inexperience, I was going through something stressful so that, or another driver or animal that drove me off the road. I guess vehicle problems could be a cause as well. Idk but the key is not to dwell on why but learn to move on from this point with the new reality. You can still love your cousin and help her. With rehab and care it will get better. Party for her if anything more is too much right now. You have to take care of yourself before you can care for others. Prayers can be the best thing you can do for people! I wish you all the best! I don’t know where you live but there are so very many resources for people that do have children with special needs. Please take full advantage. Your church is a safe place. To be honest I haven’t gone in 2 years. I had an issue at my church that made me uncomfortable. It is very important to me. I need to find a new church. I moved as well. My anxiety and depression makes it so hard for me to find the motivation to get up and go. Even though I know how good it would make me feel to do it. Even this support group though means you are not truly alone. Much love and God bless!

[SimplyMe87 in reply to Hopeful-Tinkerbell]

Thank you for all the encouragement and kind words. I also am weird about going to my old church bc of something that makes me uncomfortable. I went to a different church last Sunday. Think I’ll go back this Sunday. See how that one works for me for now on. I have to get back to reading and studying the Word more often..it used to do so much for me.

I like to believe that God chose me to give an autistic child to, bc I’m special and understanding...but it does get hard at times. I guess being a parent, period, is hard. But I love my babies.

Night time, whenever they are asleep, is definitely my quiet time and i try to relax...although my brain is constantly on overload. I’m going to try my best to relax for my sons thanksgiving break. My therapist tells me that I deserve to. It’s a shame when she asks me what i do to relax, i say “Look for jobs and apts”. Yea, anxiety made me lose everything. But I’m working really hard to get everything back. I had gotten so afraid of losing things, i just gave them up. My job and apt. I know that probably sounds crazy, but it really felt that extreme. I guess i felt like less of a failure when I gave them up, rather than have them taken from me. I let my anxiety get in the way of a lot of things. I’m working on not letting that happen anymore.

Prayer used to be my ‘hiding place’. I slowly fell away and anxiety consumed me. I need to get back to my hiding place. I’m trying. Thank you so much for sharing your issues with me.

I wish u a wonderful holiday season full of peace and blessings, as well!

[Hopeful-Tinkerbell]

I hope you have a truly blessed holiday season! Try listing one blessing every day! I have a 365 day devotional that I can read a small page or item daily. Not too overwhelming at one time. If you haven’t read it I highly recommend Streams In the Desert. It is amazing. One page or paragraph a day and it is so relatable and positive! Would be a perfect Christmas gift to yourself! Best wishes!

[SimplyMe87 in reply to Hopeful-Tinkerbell]

Thank you. I’ll definitely look into it! I can definitely use some positive, good reading.

[Dell79]

A lot of pain that we are dealing with are really only thoughts! Think about it , who is the one that is feeling, who is the one that is seeing, who is the one that is perceiving, who is the one that is experiencing the world around you but yourself. In some way there is no proof that there is a actual world out there except our own perception of it. In this case there is a very high possibility that the world in which we feel miserable might be created by our own thoughts and feelings and at any given moment we may have the power to change everything if we choose so. I am not saying that you are responsible for the things that happened in your life, we are all victims of circumstances but we can change how things are now, in an instant. You don’t have to leave in fear of what the future may bring you if you know that you can actually choose to change the way you see the world and in this way the world and the future will change. Forget about the past for a moment. Try to close your eyes and feel yourself , breath deep......and forgive. Forgive everything and everyone including youself. Let go of all the negative emotions and truly know that you are capable of feeling happiness and joy. Choose love and fear will disappear completely. You have the power to transform yourself and in this way your kids will also feel your feelings and they will become happier . They are you!

I feel your pain. I’ve been there myself and I can tell you for sure that it is possible to pe happy and change you life. It’s really up to you. The best way to start is instead of focusing on your feelings try to move your attention to your kids feelings. Focus only on them and give them as much love as you can. Believe me , this will change everything. I send all my love to you!

[SimplyMe87 in reply to Dell79]

Thank you! I definitely need to change my negative thinkIng for the sake of my beautiful children. They don’t deserve to live in the unhappy life that I’ve created. Thank you for your input. Have a wonderful thanksgiving.

[reinagrace]

HI SimplyMe87 i'm sorry for all these struggles you and your family members are suffering. I don't have children so I'm glad that some people on here who do have kids, were able to give you good advice. I don't have any great words, but , just know that i'll be praying for you, and I daily pray for everyone here, for healing and relief from all this pain. Blessings and Happy Thanksgiving

[SimplyMe87 in reply to reinagrace]

Thank you so much. Happy Thanksgiving!