Depression and Anxiety

[jpsmith]

I have been dealing with depression and anxiety a lot in my lifetime. While it’s a work in progress I still feel really down most of the time and am very bored. I don’t feel like doing much of anything and my anxiety keeps me in fear of trying new things. Activities and hobbies I used to enjoy are not enjoyable anymore and I find it hard to even do much of anything. One a positive note I’ve been clean and sober over five years and I go to AA meetings pretty regularly still. But, they don’t seem to be a place I can open up about how I’m truly feeling. I sit in the meetings and listen to everyone else but I just haven’t been able to open up and express how I’m feeling there lately. Party it’s because I’m ashamed of how much I’m struggling and I also just don’t know what to say. At least here I can open up about how I’m feeling and it seems to be easier to type out than speak it, but I know from my experience that talking about it helps. I go to counseling weekly and I try to open up then and I also have a mother who is very supportive of me and I talk to her too. She gets frustrated because she doesn’t have the answers but I describe my life to her and say things like I don’t have much hope of ever feeling better and that I’m miserable. I don’t really know what to do anymore so tonight she suggested I find an online support group so here I am taking suggestions and trying to reach out. I really have no idea what to do to feel better but I’m certain that I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I am so sad and afraid of everything. I am really trying hard lately but not much is changing. I am also on disability for my bipolar disorder so I struggle financially each month and barely have any money left at the end of each month so that’s also a struggle. I am trying to find some part time work but it is very hard for me because I have a criminal background due largely to my mental illness and past addiction struggles. I regret my past and wish I could start my life over. I don’t want to end my life nor do I become suicidal but I definitely don’t want to continue as I am. To sum it up I hate my life and I hate myself and I don’t ever see myself happy and free from these struggles.

[Agora1]

Hi jpsmith, we can certainly help you figure out your thoughts while you work on finding yourself again. It will happen for you. Never give up on yourself. Life's journey takes us on different paths. Some may end up at a dead end then you turn around, go back and take a different path. We can't change the past but we can make today the start of a new future for yourself.

Talk to us, feel comfortable in sharing your struggles, your worries. We are here to support each other because we understand the pain that Depression and Anxiety cause. You are never alone in what you are feeling. I'm glad you found us. We care. x

[jpsmith in reply to Agora1]

Thank you. I really appreciate that 😊

[Rpan]

I started my journey with anxiety and depression in the rooms for many years. 23 years to be exact. I realized that my issues were not about the addiction, I found using was just to mask my anxiety/depression. Lately I’ve been really struggling also, I just can’t seem to just relax and enjoy things. I’m constantly stuck in some sort of thought mostly about how I feel and how I don’t want to feel like this. I wish I had word of wisdom for you right now, but welcome and I sure hope that we can help each other through this process

[jpsmith in reply to Rpan]

It’s really hard because the morning meeting I go to is all about living successfully today and most everyone is always so positive and encouraging and I feel like I can’t reach out for some reason. If I’m to be honest I think I tell myself that I’d be a burden and that what I’m going through isn’t going to help anyone else. I’m in the same boat as you right now as I can’t get comfortable and relax and am definitely not enjoying things. I appreciate you reaching out and I hope we can help each other.

[Rpan]

Ya I hear you, when we are in this space it’s hard to listen to others being happy and finding success. I’m not implying that I want others to be miserable, but man not having any joy really sucks. I think this hole I’m in is why I used in the first place, some for some reason it just had so much power.

[jpsmith in reply to Rpan]

I know for me that I drank and used to try to escape these awful emotions and sometimes now just thinking about it the only solution seems to be to drink or use to escape these awful feelings. I’m not craving drugs or alcohol but I just know that they used to help me feel better until they stopped working and then I would be miserable again. So I guess what I’m saying is that I’m strong in my sobriety but weak in my overall emotional and mental health. I don’t know what the answer is but I know it’s not drinking or using.

[Rpan]

Not using is easy, dealing with all these feelings is very difficult. Learning how to label these feelings is the key! For me it’s difficult to just know what I’m feeling. Mostly what I work on is my thoughts, with mediation. I think the real issue for most of us is the inner dialogue, what we say to ourselves when we are feeling an emotion. If we can just apply the first step the same way with our feelings and emotions,we can get beyond these issues. Like this here I am this past weekend at a wedding and everyone is having a great time. So I start to feel left out, rather than acknowledge that I’m feeling sad I start to isolate, which makes me even sadder, than I start to beat myself up for not being able to enjoy myself. Lastly I than start to tell myself that I don’t fit in. You see the pattern. I did this to myself and all day today I felt depressed.

[jpsmith in reply to Rpan]

I relate completely. Even when I’m around a lot of people I feel out of place and left out too. I agree completely with you about the struggle with our inner dialogue. I constantly beat myself up in negative self talk all the time even though I don’t want to it just happens. Meditation is really good for us but I have gotten out of the habit of regular prayer and meditation in part because I feel God has abandoned me. I used to feel a close, strong and personal connection with God but now I feel distant and apart from God. I almost went to church today but chickened out as I was getting ready telling myself that I don’t belong there so why bother. I easily talk myself out of doing positive things that will be good for me all the time. My name is Jonathan btw.

[Rpan]

Hi my name is Rich, I’m from NY. Ya I hear that about faith being lost. I started reading the Bible at night before I go to sleep, as I read it more and more I’m starting to understand the stories. I really do think that when I’m doing well my faith is strong. It’s a really tough balance. I would love to chat more but I have to try to get some sleep, I have to work tomorrow, got to get up at 4am. I will touch base with you tomorrow so we can talk more.. sometime during the day i get some down time so I will send you a message. Hope you get some rest tonight

[jpsmith in reply to Rpan]

Thanks Rich talk to you soon

[jpsmith in reply to jpsmith]

Hi Rich...hope you’re having a good day. I went to an AA meeting this afternoon but just couldn’t muster up the courage or words to share about how I’m feeling. I think opening up will help but for some reason my fear prevents me from talking.

[1OshunDreamer]

Please, never regret your past, it's what made you who you are. Just learn from those mistakes. While, I'm not an addict, my dad is a recovering Alcoholic for the last 30 years. I learned the Serenity prayer there and try to use it when I'm falling down that rabbit hole. keep talking, I'll keep listening.

[jpsmith in reply to 1OshunDreamer]

Thanks 🙏

[1OshunDreamer in reply to jpsmith]

How are you today?

[jpsmith in reply to 1OshunDreamer]

I’m ok today. I went to an AA meeting this afternoon and despite wanting to share openly and honestly my fear prevented me from talking. I’m hoping that I can open up soon. I feel like I’m suffering alone.

[1OshunDreamer in reply to jpsmith]

You are not alone, I'm right there with you. I've been fine for about two years and I'm battling my anxiety right now too. I get to work most days, but have called off a lot.

Talk to me, if you'd like. Practice talking about it and maybe you'll feel like saying it to a group soon.

[nightingale1977]

Hi there, thanks for sharing. Glad you are feeling ok today and went to an AA meeting. Please know that you are not alone in this journey and some members might be going through the same things as well. One thing about anxiety or depression is they led you to believe that you are isolated and nobody will understand what you are going through. Now, it’s true that some people might not know how to respond or say if they know someone is having anxiety or depression, but there are also a group of us who knows exactly what it means when the brain goes on an overdrive and refused to stop thinking. YOu are not alone. We are here for you. I’m Glad your mum is so supportive and loving. You are very blessed. Keeping you in my prayers and thoughts. GOd bless !

[jpsmith in reply to nightingale1977]

Thank you 😊