How do you make friends?

[Carry-On]

Hi - I have spent a few weeks it seems away from this site. To provide an update, I went to see my psychiatrist again this past Friday at which she prescribed me Zoloft. My body has been adjusting to this new medication for my anxiety and depression, and I think most of the pain has subsided for now (nausea, stomach pain, etc.). The only thing that has been impacting my life even more so is the fact that it has made it even more difficult for me to sleep - so I hope this goes away soon. In addition, I have found myself back in the gym and eating healthier - which has provided me some source of happiness. However, I still cannot bring myself to go out anymore. I am a college senior, and have been spending the majority of my free time doing homework and projects (I have a LOT this semester). I did make an effort to go to a bar last Friday, though. I went with my roommate and quite honestly it was a good feeling to be out - but I hated every minute of it. The bar was so crowded, I hardly drink anymore, I am broke (as of this post I have 12$ in my bank account), and I found myself constantly feeling the need to stay by my roommates side. To clarify, there were people that I knew there of course - but none of whom I would consider close friends. The main reason for this post (aka in reference to the question I proposed) is that when I was out my roommate joined up with other friends as well. (I am going to preface this by saying I have known these girls for a while, and just recently they met my twin sister when she visited me). And they proceeded to ask how my sister was and told me that they miss her. This honestly made me feel so low. I consider my twin more of a sister than a twin, and we have always had different personalities. I grew up being the shy one, and she was more outgoing. I realized that her confidence and personality have helped her socialize with others and make friends. However, no matter how hard I try and be nice to people - I can never seem to do the same. I keep trying to remind myself that it's more about quality over quantity, but I have just been feeling so lonely lately and I don't know what to do about it. I hate this feeling so much. Has anyone had a similar experience?

[jkl5500]

In the end, you have no control over the behavior of others. If you've been friendly and polite, you've done all you can do. The rest is up to them.

But there is such a thing as trying too hard. I don't know if that's the case here, but when you appear a little desperate to make friends, it will show, and make you look less appealing. Being yourself, and not caring whether or not other people like you, is what extroverted people usually do.

From your posts, I can tell that you have many good qualities, and you should have no trouble making good friends. You don't need a million of them - a few good ones will do nicely.

[Carry-On in reply to jkl5500]

You do bring up such a valid point that is hard for one to really come to reality with this - especially since its recognizing how this may come across from someone else's perspective. But now that I think about it, I do tend to try hard - and maybe a bit too hard - to really make friends. And I am not sure how this comes across, but it could definitely be a little off-putting. So I will definitely try to recognize this more, and be more relaxed. But thank you for your kind words, I appreciate it!

[chanteuse3342]

I feel you. More than you know. I always, always felt alone in a crowd in a situation like that. If I were you, I'd find a passion and look for an outlet. When you go to a bar, you end up attracting people who love going to bars. When you (let's say) volunteer and help take care of pups at the shelter, your energy is focused ON THE DOGS, but you end up meeting loads of people who also love what you love--dogs. What do you love? So find something to pour your energy into, and friends will be a natural by-product. I loved playing soccer; joined a recreation league near where I was attending college. Some of those people from the soccer field are still part of my life. Heck, I married the goalie. Carry-on, know that we are out here. People just like you. I don't know you, but I am sending peace and love your way. I wish this website had been here way back when. I sure could have used a little love flowing my way. Close your eyes, breathe deep. And know you are loved by the universe.

[Carry-On in reply to chanteuse3342]

Thank you so much for this post, it is really comforting to know that I am not alone in my struggles. It is funny you mention this though, because I was actually just thinking about ways in which to meet friends - and I remember learning in school that great friendships essentially have similar interests. Therefore, I was considering what I am passionate about and my hobbies so that I can meet likeminded people. One of the people I consider my best friend I actually met on a community service trip, which I absolutely love. So I could consider carrying on that passion post graduation in some capacity. But, thank you again, I truly appreciate your kind words

[MissingSoul]

I just want to add that I had the same issue with the medication as you did.. zoloft worked for me but I still couldn't sleep. Speak to your doctor about it.

I did and he recommended Vistaril 25mg and that has worked wonders. I didn't know what real rest is until this medicine. I had a hard time doing to sleep every day and when I did fall asleep, I would feel so tired in the morning. Like I slept but my body got no rest.

Doesn't mean vistaril would work for you. But if you keep having this problem, I would certainly suggest you speaking to your doctor about it.

[Carry-On in reply to MissingSoul]

Thank you for this input! As I just started the medication, I will be seeing my psychiatrist again in 5 weeks time to share my thoughts and to see if I need a combination of medication or a different one. So I will definitely bring this up to her - if not sooner (which I feel may be the case)

[Carry-On]

Gosh that is tough as I think there is no normal college experience - every individual has each their own. However, my expectations of college were that it would allow me to be free of my household (which at the time, I wouldn't necessarily classify it as healthy for my mental state) and truly be myself. I was always labeled the weird one in comparison to my sister - and I was always ashamed of it. College changed my mindset on this. Other than that, I expected to have a lot of friends and have a lot of fun, while also working hard. You can look at it as a work hard, party harder mentality. This has not been the case over the years as I found myself making best friends with people who shouldn't be in my life (I have been isolating myself from these friends - not on purpose - but they don't seem to care to ask how I am doing, so I have lost a lot of these so called 'best friends'). And I am only friends (and only have conversations with when I see them) with people who are more "qualified,' for lack of better term, as a best friend. And I have been better with judging who is or isn't a good person to have in my life, those girls I had mentioned in my main post included. I just wish it wasn't so hard to make good friends.

[Carry-On]

I guess in a sense. Although I don't think that is the sole purpose of a friend, nor do I think you should rely on your significant other to fulfill the role of your only friend. I think each friend serves a role in your life, and there are certain things you need from that friend that you wouldn't be able to get from just your significant other. For example, what if you and your significant other got into an argument and you needed to vent. Well, you surely wouldn't want to go to your significant other to vent - you would want to go to a friend that will listen to you and offer advice. Thats my opinion, though.