Old pictures.

[Shutterbug65]

I came upon a box of old pictures that my father must have kept. Most of them were of me when I was a baby, to pictures of when I graduated high school. Everything was so much simpler back then. It was like viewing a life that was not mine because I can’t believe I had so many loving and caring people in my life. I was happy and had no worries. Most have since passed away. And I feel they would be disappointed in how I turned out. Lonely, depressed and anxious. Just struggling everyday in a life I never envisioned for myself. I’m so unhappy.

My grandparents who raised me are long gone. My Mom I never knew, she died when I was just 11 days old. My Dad passed in 2014, my girlfriend of nearly nine years died in 2010. And so many others who have either moved on or are no longer here. I wish I could join them. I never married, and don’t have any children. Other than the people I work with, I’m alone. I’m so tired of my anxiety and depression, of taking pills everyday. I just don’t want to go on anymore. I see people everyday among friends or family and I want to be them.

I cry as I look at those pictures because they remind me of a life that had promise and surrounded by people who loved me. Maybe my life of 53 years will end soon.

[01harley]

I hope for you that your life isn't over. You are just 53. I pray that you kind find happiness in something. Maybe try going to church. There are usually people there that are friendly and may have some kind of groups you might like. Or go to a park watch the kids play and the animals. Those people who are in those pictures would want you to be happy, I'm sure. Don't give up, never give up. Dig down deep inside and say I'm gonna make it!😊

[Shutterbug65 in reply to 01harley]

Thank you. I know that the people in the photographs would want me to be happy. I just feel so alone and I’m tired of struggling. I miss those years gone by. I took it for granted that they would always be there. I never imagined my life would be this empty. I’m so anxious and depressed most of the time.

Thank you again for your reply.

[01harley in reply to Shutterbug65]

I understand totally. I miss so many things. I thought my mom and dad would live forever I guess. And now both are gone. I miss my mom so much, but I feel like she is with me sometimes showing me the way. I know going on is very hard, but you know they would want us too. You're not alone, not here. We're always here for you.

[Shutterbug65 in reply to 01harley]

Thank you it’s comforting to know that I’m not alone. I miss my Grandparents and my Father so much. And of course my girlfriend. I’m lost in fear and anxiety and I don’t know what to do. I’m tired of the medications. I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this. I’m so terribly alone.

[Rpan]

You had the capability to be happy in the past which means your capable of being happy in the future. Instead of looking back set some goals for the future. Make a wish list than start moving towards those goals. The past is the best predictor of the future. Commit to share that love for others in the future.

[Shutterbug65 in reply to Rpan]

Thank you that’s some really good advice. But I have so many troubles in my life it’s hard for me to get beyond that. I always think the worst outcome for everything. I get bogged down in negativity and I’m easily overwhelmed. I look at those photos and realize that I was si happy back then. I felt carefree and loved, and my family had so much hope for me. I’ve let them all down.

Thank you for your kind reply. Life goes on I guess.

[Rpan]

It’s about building a new future, while taking your past experiences with you. Life is filled with setbacks, it’s also filled with accomplishments. When there is bad there is always good. I feel we just acknowledge the bad which keeps us from experiencing the good. We have to set clear goals, obtainable goals, accomplish the goal, and praise ourselves for this achievement. An example can be, I’m going to make eye contact with a stranger and allow myself to be comfortable with that, allow the feelings of connection, than I’m going to speak kindly to myself for this experience. These instances help us to build a connection with people, which is vital for our wellbeing. We know the past very well, let’s try to leave the past alone

[mae19681995]

Dear Shutterbug65,

Sorry to hear about your situation and it sounds like you have been through alot. Life is so hard at times. I find myself looking back more and more as I get older, but there is always hope. The neat thing is if we wake up in the morning it is a brand new day and we don't have to stay the same. We can look to things that make us thankful and grateful. Sounds like you had a loving family that provided for you and you had the love of a very special person. So sorry to hear that they are all gone. Could there be new life? Have you thought about therapy or counseling to help you deal with your thoughts and feelings? I have found a source that could be of some help..... faithfulcounseling.com

Try it out..... Maybe it could help. You are only 53, you can change your path through this life......

Mae

[Shutterbug65 in reply to mae19681995]

Thanks for your reply. I been seeing a phychiatrist for many Years. I’ve been prescribed so many different medications over the years, but I’m tired of the meds. I’ve also tried counseling but the co pay was to much, and most require going every week. I don’t have great insurance. I feel overwhelmed by life’s problems, and the anxiety of dealing with them by myself is to much. The only time I’m around people to talk to is at work. Your right, I used to have the security of a loving family that I never imagined they wouldn’t be here one day. I was always worried, and insecure growing up but I had my family. And later on in life my beautiful girlfriend. I’m so sad and I just don’t know how I can go on like this. I can’t help but think they would be disappointed in me because I haven’t achieved much.

I will check out that web link.

Thank you again.

[Hidden]

Relationships are so important for every human being. I don’t think you want to die as much as you want deep relationships again. You are grieving over lost relationships and believe that you will never have close relationships again. There are so many lonely people who think that as well. Continue searching and finding others to connect with. The best most healthiest thing you can do is open up to another human being and connect. There are church groups that have grief care programs that you can also address the grieving process and meet others in grief. There is also a program called Celebrate Recovery that is so good for connecting people. I don’t know your location but it maybe offered in your area. Strangers can become family but it takes effort and opening up.

[Dubba61]

I can empathize with you Shutterbug, because my Boyfriend died 5 years ago, I don't want another. Also i lost my darling Mum, recently, I had cared for her through a long hard illness, and she was my best buddy. I can't look at the photographs, without dissolving into Tears. N so I stay away. I was from a large family, and also, had wonderful Grandparents who where so very hard to lose. Those who are left have their own famies and don't bother with each other. Because, I have had depression/anxiety for many years, people where I live are openly hostile to me. I used to take comfort in the Church, until some People there set up a nasty rumour about me. Sometimes it hardly seems worth the effort. But, I get up ,i get out, n I get on with it. Hoping it gets better, for you and me, because, we are both greiving. 😊✌️🌻

[StarryNight72]

Hi Shutterbug,

I wish I could give you a great big hug right now. I can so clearly feel the pain, loneliness, and grief you are experiencing. I lost my daughter two years ago. When I was reading your beautifully written post, tears began spill over my cheeks. I came across, quite by accident, a little gift my daughter had made me in 2014. It is a coffee can she decorated with construction paper. It has little daisies made of construction paper (they are my favorite flower) and clouds and a big yellow sun. She wrote on the outside of the coffee can the rules I had to follow for this gift. Inside the coffee can, she must have written 100 memories each in individual scraps of construction paper so it looks like a rainbow of colors when you open the can. The rules tell me I am only allowed to read one memory a day. She made this for me and gave it to me right before she moved out to go to college. When I found this coffee can, I instantly went from standing to sitting right in the middle of my closet. I remember I landed quite painfully on a pair of high heels. But that didn’t matter. Because suddenly I remembered how her hands looked when she cut things out as I know she did to make the daisies. I remembered how her brow would furrow when she concentrated on getting things just right. I remembered how her dimples came out when she smiled so big when she gave me this gift. All of that came in an instant, in a flash, but it felt like I had been punched in the stomach as all the air rushed out of my body. I sat there for a long time. Tracing the daisies, her handwriting while tears plopped on the plastic lid. Suddenly I scrubbed the tears away afraid they would drip on her handwriting and smear it. The pain was intense and sobs came from deep in my belly as I held the only piece of my darling girl I had left. I remembered cleaning up her room after she left for college. I think somehow I must have known that she would not come back. I found one lone sock under her bed. Fluorescent green. I smiled and picked up that sock. I remembered how she always insisted on the brightest socks she could find though I was always pestering her to just buy white ones because you can wash them with Clorox. I cradled that sock against my cheek and made a mental note to mail it to her since I was sure the mate was somewhere in one of her suitcases with her at college. Then I stuck that little sock right in my bra, close to my heart and kept cleaning. How I wish now I would have never sent that sock back to her and that I could slip it in my pillowcase to sleep with at night. I sat there though, on the floor of my closet, coffee can on my lap, and took a breath. Should I open it? Was it worth the pain to read her memories? Should I just shove the coffee can back behind the winter coats and keep moving forward with Project Closet Organize? Of course, I opened the can. Because at the end of the day, in our memories there is pain. But there is also our loved one. And any pain I could possibly not feel will never be worth not having those precious pieces of my daughter.

[Shutterbug65 in reply to StarryNight72]

I’m lost for words. It’s amazing the things we come across, something from long ago, forgotten. And when we stumble upon it the memories they bring are so powerful, like it’s a key unlocking something deep inside us. The memories come rushing back along with the tears, and we just want to hold on to that, it’s a deep connection to a lost loved one. After she passed I cried for weeks. After work I would come home and just collapse in bed sobbing so deeply I couldn’t catch my breath. I didn’t know how I could possibly go on, and on many levels I haven’t, I live in the past. It made me think about how my father must of felt after losing my Mom, she was only 23. He never talked about that moment of losing her. He was always very kept his emotions in check.

I’m so sorry for loss of your daughter, it’s a pain that will never go away. It will subside but we will never completely heal. Reading your post brought me to tears. I remember coming across a favorite sweater of my girlfriend and the grief comes like a wave, so quickly and deep. I will never get over losing her and I don’t want to. I cherish the time we spent together, the things we did, the little things that made her smile, just so many wonderful memories. And finding those pictures of when I was little, pictures of me with my Grandparents. A box marked ‘Old Pictures’ a link to a time when I was happy, surrounded by people who loved me.

But I’m just so alone. Who knows maybe grief will eventually take me. The darkest always gathers around the light.

Take care. I’m happy my post brought back such a beautiful memory of finding that coffee can your daughter artistically made, with the individual memories inside. She must have loved you so much. ❤️

[01harley]

I believe the only way u could disappoint anyone is to give up. You need to fight to stay on top, that is what they would want you to do. We are going to miss our loved ones that are gone for ever. That's just part of life. I hope u can find something that u could enjoy. If you don't have a pet think about getting one. That would be something that would give you unconditional love. It also would depend on you to feed and water it and to go on walks. It could be a start.