The ptsd saga. Random waking up. Headache. Ptsd nightmares

[Against_the_current]

So i told you i randomly wake up at night. Mom said it was because i had rested but i didn't feel like that. She went to work. I started having insane headache and everything was irritating me. I went to sleep. I had really vivid nightmares about dad and his new family (my biggest ptsd trigger) and him calling her "my wife" instead of name and buying her a car and going to the UK (since she mentioned 4 years ago she wanted to drag him to where she came from, im really scared). Also in front of mom and her being broken while sis and grandparents defending dad.Do i need to visit the psychiatrist? Which therapist to pick? Should i stay home because of my condition but mom's gonna be off work? Can i heal? Why does my head hurt? Can i work? What if the psychiatrist messes up my meds or if i can't get on the new and stop the old ones? Bulgarian psychiatry is weak. What if there's something wrong with my brain? My brain will stop developing after an year. Why can't my parents understand what they did to me?

I'm overwhelmed. I want a favourite person to vent to.

[CLB1125]

can I ask you why it disturbs you so much that your dad has a different wife? People get divorced. It’s just another part of life we deal with. Marriage, divorce, birth, death, etc. after a divorce your parents lives go on. Would you be as upset if your mom remarried? They are adults free to do whatever makes them happy. You are an adult free to do what makes you happy. Think of what would make you happy. Living with your mom? Having your own place? You are making yourself sick by worrying about everything and everyone. The one you need to worry about now is you. All the indecisiveness is making your head hurt and your stomach upset. I know I do it myself when I need to make a big decision. There are things you can change and then there are things you have to accept. You will find when you let go of the things you can’t change your life will be so much easier.

[SoporRose in reply to CLB1125]

“The one you need to worry about now is you.” I think this advice is spot on. Your parents have made their choices. I don’t know the Bulgarian health system, but choose from the resources that are available to you close to your mom’s. Let go of the accommodation where you are always ill. You don’t need to he bouncing back and forth between your moms and that place. And moving out will take away one of the choices over which you agonize and save you that energy.

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

Thanks

[Against_the_current in reply to CLB1125]

Nothing makes me happy

[CLB1125 in reply to Against_the_current]

Because you have so much stuff going on in your mind. Take a really hard look at your life. Where do you want to be in 5 years? Have you ever thought about your future? Now think about what you need to do to accomplish that. Even if the answer is to be well, then set your sights on how to achieve that. It gives your life purpose. I agree with the others, we can give you all the advice in the world but if you just ignore it, it’s not helpful to you and we are wasting our time. Only you can decide what the right thing is. What are the pro and cons of living with your mother? The accommodations ? Now decide which is better and stick to that decision. That’s one less thing you need to think about. Check off each thing that is troubling you and think of the good and bad of each side. Make the best choice for you and let that worry go. It’s kind of like have all these file folders in your head and they all got dumped on the floor and they are mixed together. Take each folder (problem) and find everything that belongs in the folder. Work on just the things that go in that file. Once you have decided that file is finished put it away. It’s not cluttering your mind anymore. That’s one less problem to deal with. I hope this is making sense to you. It sounds good from over here! 🤭 you are trying to think about too many things at once. Take a break and try to calm your mind.

[Alpakka123]

Hi AtC,

Who would that favorrite person be? Because there are lots of people here who are trying to help, but as SoporRose commented in your previous post, you seem to not want any practical advise. We can try and help you, but you also need to help us help you and, more importantly, you need to help yourself. That's how interpersonal relationships work. Give and take, with both sides doing the work. You stated in another post that you wanted a boyfriend/girlfriend who could take care of you. Try saying those words out loud to yourself and tell me if it sounds like someone willing to help themselves. I get this sense that you want to stay in the role of the victim, and that you use your mental illness as an excuse to not do this or that.

None of this is meant to put you down at all, so I apologize in advance if it's taken that way. In fact, and maybe others can tell me if this is correct or not, I think staying in the victim role is a very commom stage of something. I for example had a tough journey out of that victim role after I endured psychological abuse. I wanted sympathy, I wanted validation, and I wanted to send a message to others saying that what happened to me was not okay. As time went on, I actually became averse to anyone who would even hint at me moving on. I wanted that sympathy back!! Why? Because what happened to me wasn't fair and I wanted the world to know that! Over time though, I learned that the only one I was hurting by staying in that victim role was myself. I was stuck in that role, and the only one who could pull me out was myself.

[SoporRose in reply to Alpakka123]

“In fact, and maybe others can tell me if this is correct or not, I think staying in the victim role is a very commom stage of something.” I agree. I think that we often develop an identity around the role and can’t imagine a new one to take its place. We choose the devil we know.

[Alpakka123 in reply to SoporRose]

Yes, I agree. We become used to staying the victim. Not to be defiant (far from it in fact), but because it's "comfortable". Much more "comfortable" than working to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps. If I may, it's the mentality of "they hurt me, yet I'm the one who has to do the work?! That doesn't seem fair". And the mentality is actually half right. It isn't fair; it isn't fair at all. It's (insert an array of four-letter words here) not fair".But at some point we need to realize that we alone own the power in how we choose how we react to it. AtC might not be there yet, I have no idea.

There's something about this in my PTSD workbook; I'll see if I can find it.

[SoporRose in reply to Alpakka123]

👆🏼 I think it would help if people would say and mean "I'm sorry. I didn't come through for you and I am truly sorry.. But people who are willing to hurt us habitually are usually not people who are willing to feel bad and own their mistakes. Sometimes they do. Sometimes not.

[Alpakka123 in reply to SoporRose]

Yes, that would definitely help. The one who abused me never apologized and that hurts like Hell. I'm trauma bonded, so I'm still "in it" with trying to figure her out, looking for excuses for her behavior, wanting to save her, etc. The bond is finally breaking, but boy has it been hell. It's been by far the hardest thing psychologically that I've ever had to deal with.

[SoporRose in reply to Alpakka123]

That does sound exquisitely painful. Pulling away seems as if it would feel like a self-inflicted wound, even if it isn’t. I’m not good at separating myself from such situations either.

[Against_the_current in reply to Alpakka123]

I was rejected by my parents since baby and that's why I can't love myself and crave outside validation

[Alpakka123 in reply to Against_the_current]

Oh, ok. This is actually really really good to know, hon.🙂 Because it puts a LOT of things into place. Have you heard the term co-dependent? It gets complicated from there, so I won't go into it, but please look it up. You're last words tell me a lot tbh. You are a co-dependent. It is common enough for there to be books written on the subject. I think it stems from poor self-everything (esteem, confidence, worth, etc). It's something I myself am working on strengthening.Thanks for sharing. I am so very sorry that happened.

[Against_the_current in reply to Alpakka123]

Thank you. I was always sick and my doctor parents were scared to let me do anything. Recently sprained my knee and had stomach bug and got into regression. Wounded inner child, rejected, my ex rejecting me brought it too. Triggered it. My therapist said it's like a stroke. Also i was always insulted by my parents. I was called lazy, worthless, selfish, weak, scaredy, unlovable, dumb, nobody would want me. Always topper of the class even when sick but never enough for them. Made fun of me for rewatching my comfort cartoons as a kid. Gave me to grandma like a dog

[Alpakka123 in reply to Against_the_current]

Oh my goodness. I don't know what to say except I'm so sorry!

[CLB1125 in reply to Alpakka123]

Spot on!

[SoporRose]

AtC,

If you had such a favourite person, would you be ready and willing to give as much support as you’d like to get? Do you have the energy to Iisten as much as to vent? Non-therapeutic relationships should be equal and balanced. I think your needs and ptsd are more than most friends would know how to handle. I believe it would do you a lot of good to have friends, but I think you need the help of a therapist as well.

Is there anything that makes the headache feel better?

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

Yeah, there's a joke in my country "men tell me to get a psychiatrist, the psychiatrist told me to get a man". I guess i need a proffesional to handle this. I lost this guy because i wasn't well enough to give. And i know it. But cognitive not emotional. Emotional im just lost, rejected and hurt by my parents and needing someone to love me. And no therapist will be there 24/7 and i struggle to pay. Applied for a few jobs but i don't think im well enough

[SoporRose in reply to Against_the_current]

If you get a job offer, take it and see if working helps. Hard as it will be, especially at first, a pay cheque is incredibly validating. Work will give you a distraction, get you away from your mom, and allow you to meet other people. I KNOW you have so much strength in you and that once you get some momentum going, you'll go far.

[SoporRose in reply to SoporRose]

"men tell me to get a psychiatrist, the psychiatrist told me to get a man". This is funny in a depressing way. It's like the old hysteria diagnosis.

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

Exactly. How misogynistic and humiliating Bulgarian memes are. I'm lucky to have good humour