A piece of my life.

[GrogAndDampe]

Hello, my name is Brian and I'm new here. I have been effected by depression and socially anxiety for a very long time now. I believe a lot of my anxiety stems from my early childhood and the four years of high school I was bullied. My mother has always been a very authoritarian parent and the more I look back at my childhood the more I feel like it caused me to have very little confidence in myself. At times, it feels like I was treated so terribly as a child because my mother possibly didn't want to have me. Please understand that when I say this, it's not just on a whim. My mother was divorced to her 1st husband and struggling to make ends meat for her and my half brother. Marrying my dad, who she is divorced to now, was possibly a way to add some stability and ease the stress of providing for a child. My mother and father were never a good match, two very different people. I'm not saying this is all true, but the way I have seen my mother treat my brother much more lovingly than me growing up added some validity to my theory. I can even recall once in my life, as a child, holding a kitchen knife to my chest, crying, and soon putting it down. I was distressed beyond my mind and never felt much love. I don't feel comfortable saying that but all my life I've held my grief inside and it feels as though it's taking it's toll on my health, physically and mentally. Public high school was a hell of its own. I was an easy target for bullying, never standing up for myself and no one really caring that it happened. At times it fills me with hate and at others times it brings me to tears thinking about it all. I can't see a future for me that has an up side. It feels as though my depression just keeps getting worse.

[gerg]

You have taken a great first step. Talking about how you feel about things seems to take away the power they have. Grieving is part of the process of removing the emotional pain. Keep up the good work and start to weed out anything but the absolute truth, no opinion, just absolute facts. If you can’t absolutely prove something accept it as just your story.

The facts will help you make changes in your life or help you with acceptance of yourself. The non-facts can be edited to serve you better.

I say this from a perspective of a sufferer, and I want you to know that it is hard to do. Honesty is key, and honesty is not always easy. If this gives you a little encouragement in dealing with your depression, it is enough.

Have courage and you will beat everything that is in your way to a great life.

[Hidden]

I will be your friend to the end. Your story breaks my heart, I'm so sorry to read what you have gone through. If you ever need me, just reach out. There are a lot of kind & loving people one here. You, my friend , have come to the right place!

Sending you peace !!! XXX

[fauxartist]

I am so sorry you had to go through all that bulling, you didn't deserve it, and having an absentee parent who was not there for you to support you and love you no matter what is horrible for a kid. What's worse is to add to an already heartbreaking situation for you was to see your brother treated with more kindness than you ever got. It's not all in your head, and you did nothing to deserve this treatment. You are a survivor of abuse. It's not your fault, and you are lovable, and a good person, you did nothing wrong, and there is nothing wrong with you to have been treated like that. You don't know this yet, but this is going to get better, but your gonna have to make some choices for yourself. Are you in any kind of therapy?...it would help if you can find some youth center that offers help, so that you can start sorting this stuff in your head out. Keep sharing here, and talking about what your going through so at least you have some outlet for your feelings. Your no alone, many here have had similar childhoods....I am one of them....don't give up.

[GrogAndDampe]

Thank you all for your responses. I appreciate them all and it feels comforting knowing there are people that understand what I'm going through. It felt better to talking about the pain, even if it means reliving it for a moment. I've always been a better written that a conversationalist so I think I'll keep posting what is troubling me. Best wishes to you kind folk.

[gerg]

When I wrote "talking" about how you feel, I would include several forms of communication. Writing in a journal is even a good tool to sort things out. The absolute most effective method is saying it out loud to a person, it doesn't have to be anyone in particular. Saying things out loud to a person removes some of the assumptions that we would otherwise add to the story. Anything that blurs the issues makes them that much harder to fix.

The other thing is communication is key in dealing with our issues. The responses we get are not as important, so I learned to talk things out. The interesting finding was that I am doing more communicating than most other people. The communication problem is big in today's society, and it probably always has been.

[GrogAndDampe in reply to gerg]

I understand that talking it out is important but as of right now, there is no one I would feel comfortable talking to about these issues that is close to me. And yes, it is not always going to be comfortable talking about this to anyone but I want to get a neutral perspective of someone. A therapist might be my best option or even a group dealing with depression and social anxiety.

[CatsHelpMe]

I am so sorry you had some tough experiences in your life, especially not feeling loved by your mother. Nothing of all that is your fault. You managed to survive all those storms and are here, still fighting, which means that you are much stronger than you think. Your post also tells me that you are a good, caring person and you have a lot to give to this world.

Do you work or study? Do you have your own family now or live alone? Feeling hate for all that happened to you will only hurt you more, you can't change it and it doesn't define who you are. You are a brave warrior, you can trust in yourself, things will get better.

[GrogAndDampe]

@fauxartist and @CatsHelpMe, I have only once been to a therapist about 5 years ago. It was a meeting once a month for an hour at a time. The first visit I really didn't know how to start the conversation off, so it turned into talking about nothing of importance. It felt somewhat useless at the time but I went for another meeting. The only problem was that Kaiser messed up my appointment, which is another story in itself. After that they wouldn't let me see the therapist and I felt like it wouldn't have helped me much anyways so I stopped going. This was a general therapist so I'm not sure if that's what I should see now or if there are therapists that specialize in helping people suffering from depression and social anxiety. Any suggestions?

[gerg in reply to GrogAndDampe]

I worked with a group that focused on Rational Emotive Therapy (RET). It is based on the theory By Ellis that self-talk drives our issues. The underlying concept is that "Things are not good or bad, it's the view we take of them that makes them so".

Treatment and groups are many times difficult to find, but they are around. Knowing what I know now, I would travel anywhere to gain the benefits of my RET group. It takes about 14 hours of group work to get the basics and everyone benefits to some degree, based on their effort. Without honesty and effort it is a waste of time.

I also read about similar concepts. I think that several levels of resources is what is best for me. For men there are groups like the Mankind Project that can help us greatly, I don't know the names of similar groups for women. These groups really can get the BS out of your "story".

[CatsHelpMe]

Well, I went to a general psychiatrist when I needed help. I must admit that I used to go there and argue with him, because he "attacked" my behavior and way of thinking, so I didn't have much hope it would work. However, after a few months it did work because I could see how I was sabotaging my own happiness. I would suggest going to a therapist and not getting discouraged if the first meetings don't seem relevant. They need to know you better to be able to guide you.

I'm sorry but I don't have much experience with that