I can think a bit more clearly

[MetalEnjoyer]

I been doing ton of inner child work. Thinking back trying to figure out why I have so many social issues expressing how I feel. Its so shocking. Its actually terrifying. It almost feels like I never had a childhood. Like those memories left me all that time ago. Especially as a kid i never thought memory worked the way it did. As a young kid I felt like i couldn't talk to anyone despite having a family of 6 brothers. They were all doing their own thing. Being crazy and playing videogames. My parents were too lazy to acknowledge me. They never spent time with me. I barely even know them as people. All they would do is sit watch TV, go to church, and pray. I've been left out my whole life I felt like no one would ever listen to me. I can't even bring myself nowadays to point about a problem when I'm working at my job. Like is this adequate of a problem enough to mention? I'm always afraid of annoyance and being disregarded. For 22 years I've felt lonely, like I could never talk to anyone, or even felt like I could come out. I would always imagine going up to people and trying to meet them. I think I've been disassociated with life so much that it's become normal. Sometimes I don't even know if I can tell. If I'm in that state of mind. I'm just so sick and tired of telling no one. Whats so terrible is those feelings were brought out I think in the form of flashbacks when I lived in the RV traveling the country as a passenger with my elderly parents at 14. I felt like at that point even if I tried to tell other's. It wouldn't matter. I tried to scream out for help in my own way. But all I did was push other's away. It fact i just realized that not telling my brothers how I feel stuck with them during that time. Thats where I went to my friends instead for that understanding. But I pushed them away because I was always angry. Than my brother's and one of my best friends who was experiencing his own problems were the only people i talked to over the Internet. Yet I was naturally accustomed to not telling anyone my situation and how bad I'm doing. My life just feels like its really only begun 4 years ago after I got away from them. But now im stuck. My childhood feels like its just holes with happy memories that I clinged onto. Like when I played halo 3 those few times with my brother. It was something they never did. It's literally one of the most happiest memories of my childhood. I always thought It was normal, but it's not. I feel like I'm in my head so often its just how it is. How it feels anyway.

[Vonus5591]

All the work you doing is good to understand why you are the way you are. I normally stay in present to get over neglect, abuse of childhood. But if you can face all your fears, anger and other deep down emotions it might help you achieve better mental health. You begin to grow from understanding yourself and work on yourself. Good luck. You are finding answers and hopefully solutions or things you need to work on - defining

[Vasiliki99]

its sad in life we are always difficult passengers in our own life dont worry about it all juxtapose it all its all passing what can u do but do your journey but quality of life i cant find even for others nor me

[Craigliving4Jane]

my only advice is that you said you found some relief from it all, but now stuck .

It seems so obvious but sometimes for me it’s a difficult moving target to stay on the good going forward.

Many nasty things have happened to me and I have walked away from all of those that don’t know how to not just hurt like in the past but help me with positivity going forward.

I’m a grandfather who doesn’t see his son three grandsons and a few other family members.

Major bummer. Sure wasn’t in my plans. I’m a huge family man.

Been in massive pain for most of my life and asking for help to try to figure out things that I was totally striking out with isn’t acceptable anymore . they don’t give a shit. Still!

Guess what?

I’m as happy as a duck in a pond with all his buddies

Never would’ve thunk it would’ve ever happen in my life

Run with it!! And don’t look back

Much love

Grandpa Craig

[catsrock]

You have done a lot of hard work, keep going. The inner child work is the stuff that helped me the most in therapy. Sadly, many of us have to learn to parent ourselves depending on our situations growing up. I appreciate you being so vulnerable with us.

[MetalEnjoyer in reply to catsrock]

You have no idea. My whole life I've never talked to anyone how I was doing. Just in my head I guess. I'd hear in school about people needing tell others about how you're doing and I think I may have always regressed from feeling to my thoughts when I hear about it because I always felt like no one listened to me. I actually recently, although its a lot of guesses based on facts at the time. My mom got lupus shortly after I was born so everyone thought she might be dying. My earliest feeling was being at home and wondering where mom was and being told something about her maybe. I also was staring at a window. But that part is extremely uncertain. I think my mom was always sick at a young age. So what might of happened although no one has ever told me. I think I was left at home with my brothers, but no one would spend time with me. Because I always felt left out and lonely. I always felt like I was watching everyone or observe what they're doing. In fact living in the RV for a whole year was like living my worst sub conscious childhood fears now that comes to mind.

Growing up asking to play video games or something with them especially in middle school it was always near soul crushing to hear them say no about it. Its like that now with any person that disappoints me in that same way. I don't blame my brothers. They were never actually purposely mean in a sense to my feelings. Although they did cause me a lot of distress when they messed with me. Tbh they probably traumatized me because I always remember them screwing with me.

Random thought. I remember in middle school I needed help with homework. So I ask my parents and all they did was complain about how hard it was and that it was dumb they were teaching is that. Probably a reason I always did terrible in school especially at a young age.

[catsrock in reply to MetalEnjoyer]

I know this work is hard, but you are having a lot of important insights. My main thing now is to ask myself, "What would a good parent say to you right now?" And I'm 60!