Not sure how to change

I've been suffering from anxiety and depression for years. My mother was a Jehovah's Witness when I was growing up. She kept me very isolated as a child, believing that I should interact only with the people from church, of which I didn't get along with at all. I think even as a child I was resentful that I couldn't pick my own friends. So, needless to say, even after growing up and getting away from that situation, I have no social skills that most children develop. I have always felt different and that I never belonged anywhere. I'm always worried about saying or doing the wrong thing with people, and that they won't like me. Because of this, I don't have any friends, and often feel very lonely.

[pink83737]

I don’t have many friends either and my social skills feel terrible when talking to people mainly because i have confidence issues and i’m worries what people will think of me. If you ever need someone to talk to i’m here for you! but maybe try and join a church/bible study, go out to craft shows (if you enjoy that stuff), i mean working you can always find friends through that as well? do you work?

[Gh0st]

And yet here you are confessing to the internet world intimate fears and talking about your childood

I know it's "easy" because you're not directly talking to someone but you still have the credit to tell millions of strangers your story. You should not give more importance than necessary to what others think or say, there will always be people who like what you do and others who do not like it, above all that the most important thing is what you think of yourself and how you feel with yourself, when you accept yourself with totality you will see how all will change in your favor.

[Hidden in reply to Gh0st]

I think that's one of my main problems. I do care about what other people think about me. I wish that I wouldn't care so much, but I do.

[Gh0st in reply to Hidden]

You should start working on that, at the end of the day when everyone leaves you live with yourself and it is your opinion of yourself that matters, who cares who says what? Who can really judge you? And why is that so important yo hoy? Worry about yourself, to accept you as you are and everything will begin to change for the better i'm sure of It.

[hypercat54]

Hi I empathise with you coz I never learned this vital skill when I was growing up either. The good news is you can teach yourself as I did. I did it by studying other people behaved towards each other and picked up the social skills needed, and I have never been friendless since.

Another trick is not to concentrate on how you feel but on how the other person does. Put them at their ease and they will want to be with you. x

[PastelPink20]

Aw, I’m sorry to hear that.

A lot of what you said definitely resonates with me. My mom took us to church a few times but for the most part, we stayed at home. She worked a lot. She was a single mom but had a boyfriend who moved in with us. She worked nights or long shifts so weekends she mostly slept. Anyways, I went to one sleepover and never had a birthday party where I invited friends over. If a friend invited me out, my mom wouldn’t be able to take me. No one was ever invited into our house - like ever. So, our house was cluttered and dirty pretty much. I don’t think my mom knew how to have friends. When my mom had another kid, I basically became a babysitter. So, whenever I was at an age (like junior high, high school) where I should be hanging out with friends or something, I couldn’t. And I didn’t know how to?

Even if I could, it wasn’t like I felt like I had friends. Which is kind of sad, but I guess I’ve kind of accepted it? I think part of it was my perspective of feeling like I didn’t belong and not knowing how to reciprocate or progress a friendship.

Even now, I don’t really know how to maintain friendships? I only know how to temporarily be friends with people who share the same routine - “school friends” “work friends” so like, not really friends. More like, amicable acquaintances.

I know what it feels like to hyper-analyze everything other people say, do, and what I should say or do. All of that with the goal of assimilating, belonging, and being “a part” of the group. I can say, after a few years of therapy, medication, moving, and basically deciding myself to go to church... I don’t do that as much anymore. My anxiety doesn’t manifest that way. (Yay! Progress! Change is possible! Coping skills learned! Cognitive distortions identified!)

I don’t try to change myself as much in the moment. I don’t worry as much. I still think and think and think about that one thing I said to my classmate on Thursday all weekend - thinking I should apologize or something. I still get anxious in big groups and feel bad for things I shouldn’t. (Like standing in someone’s way or trying to say goodbye).

Loneliness sucks. It like eats away at you. It’s a heavy weight to recognize you need that support, love, and joy that comes from other people... but not having it. It’s a gift other people give - their acceptance, their company, their laughter.

I recommend, putting yourself out there. Somehow. In whatever small way you can start.

And you already have!!! Go you! You recognized you had a need and you went out to try to help yourself get it. I think posting on here is a start. It’s nice to be heard. Online support groups are nice. Online friends can be there for you in a way that doesn’t create as much anxiety. I can read and type words with less anxiety that I do physically being in front of people.

For me, my community group at church (southern baptist) was basically married couples and single ladies in their late 20s early thirties (when I was 18) admitting their sin freely, their anxieties, and basically how they were still loved and pursued by God. I was able to feel safe in that group enough to like say whatever. It took like 6 months of going each week, but hey! I felt like I belonged. I didn’t feel like God hated me. I think some churches can offer that structured relationship. Living sent means they’re there to support each other in their walk with Christ (i guess at least, that’s what I believe and have experienced as a Christian).

I also had the privilege of being a part of an eating disorder support group for teen girls. I think support groups can be a good way to see others, know you’re not alone, offer support, and receive support.

Maybe, you could even start with visiting the same coffee shop at the same day and time. I am sure the employees would remember you and you could say hi, how are you? That could be a small way to build up saying, hey, people know me! I exist. This cashier kind of cares about me, but if I say something weird, it’s fine! They’re just taking my order and getting on with their shift. (I work at a place like this. We always appreciate the nice customers who order the same thing and aren’t mean.)

Idk. I guess. What does real friendship mean to you? Do you want someone you can text at anytime? Do you want to invite someone over or out for coffee regularly to catch up? Do you want someone to help you work with your social anxiety?

Different friends can offer different kinds of support. A therapist can help with anxiety. An online chat group or crisis line can be there for you, anytime. A person from work can be invited out to a new place you haven’t tried or a place you have a coupon for. Or maybe, you want to meet new people in a different environment.

The “real” you is human. We all have flaws. And we belong in different places. You deserve to be here as much as anyone else.

Our perspective has a big impact on how we interact with the world. I think it’s very hard to be around people and enjoy their company when we believe we *will* very likely do something that will make them hate us.

Idk if this helps at all or whatever. You’ve dealt with anxiety and depression for years. So, I’m sure you’ve gone through a lot and have learned things during that time.

I wish you all the best in your journey. Anxiety and depression can consume so much energy and time. It is a battle I don’t think I’ll ever be completely free from. But, I will keep growing.

[Bray1567]

I understand, I have no friends since I moved out of state 3 years ago. I always feel lonely but what helps my anxiety and depression is doing the things I love so much. I love to read while drinking tea, watching anime, going for a walk while listening to music, watching movies, etc. Try doing what you love when you are feeling down. It could get you to feel better about attempting to try and make friends at work, your new church, social groups, etc. Just be yourself and let them know its hard for you to make friends I promise they will be understanding. I wish you well💖

[pandaeyes1]

I have those very same thoughts. I think there’s a good amount of us, but we don’t speak up about these struggles. That’s the tricky thing with anxiety and depression, isn’t it? Even though it’s not uncommon, it makes us feel incredibly isolated

[Hidden]

I wasn’t like that as a child more so now. I try not to care what others think now because life sucks so I just go live anyways and that’s the damn ticket. You know those Walmart photos of people that used to go around ... well look them up that’ll show you that all kinds of people are out there living there life authentic and why not. What others think belongs in their heads what’s in yours should be about what you wanna do and think. That’s a goal. I grew up sorta the same but liked my friends but I also liked the heathen kids in my neighborhood and despite what my parents thought felt about it I played with them when they weren’t looking lol. I wasn’t allowed to date outta my religion ... I did behind their backs. Maybe it’s time you got out there and see what the fuss is all about. You could do meet up hikes or snowshoeing or there are book groups those just require some interaction start with light stuff and smile. People have all kinds of baggage being honest about it is brave and people get the JW thing not to say it’s wrong for those who are and those that aren’t in agreement of it get that too.

[67anxiousgoat]

I can relate to all above. It's a shame that there is still an astigmatism toward people with mental ailments. I think my personality is altered by my struggles and I come across to people differently than how I think I do. Only if I am around someone on a regular basis for a while such as a job where you are working together does a friendship develop. At that point I tell them the issues I deal with though they can't fathom a disease like that exists. Also I am hesitant to plan anything in the future with anyone as I don't know the intensity my depression might be on the scheduled day. If my depression is intense and I make myself go I would not be a person anyone would want to do something with. If I cancel at the last minute due to an onset of debilitating depression people think you are just not dependable and rude. So any trip I take has to be a spur of the moment decision based on my depression not being as bad that day. So if I go and do anything I end up doing it alone or not doing anything at all. So even on days when the depression is not extreme my quality of life is affected. About five years ago I was diagnosed with COPD which progresses and is not curable. It had no affect on my emotions as it would a normal person. In fact knowing I won't have to live to an old age with the mental issues was a relief. I would like to know what happiness and looking forward to something feels like one more time before I pass. I have aged so much with this disease I don't know what normal would be like at this age.

[Want2BHappy3]

I heard that’s a hard religion to be in? You’re mother did what she thought was best. My parents were die heart Catholics living by the Bible saying be fruitful and multiple to keep the Catholic faith going. They had 9 kids that they couldn’t afford. We were hungry most of the time. Grew up in a house infested with mice Rats thousands of roachs. Our grandmother owned the house and could have cared Less. What you should do is look into counseling

[newbie1956]

Hello, Myttyns1976

I made the same mistake your Mom did with 4 children who are now adults.

My goal & purpose was to protect them from the dangers we all know is out there. My children were my whole world. Fast forward >>> Today each my children have chosen a path. Two are extremely happy adults, serving as very responsible adults who are well liked by everyone. Any mother would be proud of their many accomplishments. The other two are quite miserable. Both are bi-polar, yet very pleasant adults when they apply the good things they were taught. So, it's up & down with them.

What did i teach them? They were taught that serving God and neighbors is important. The two who are serving ARE happy.

That's obviously what we all want. Happiness.

I have been one of Jehovah's Witnesses for almost 50 years and believe the "key" to happiness is knowledge which Jesus taught us.

I'm grateful to be part of a worldwide united family. We enjoy life and look forward to a wonderful future. We're never lonely. I think if you visit JW.ORG you'll be surprised. There are great videos for everyone on any subject in over 900 languages with various translations of your choice. Everything is free with no obligation. Very refreshing. Hope you check it out soon.

Agape

[Hidden in reply to newbie1956]

I appreciate your response, and respect your views, but the time I was growing up and having to attend meetings of Jehovah's Witnesses were the worst time of my life. The adults and children there were rude and not at all pleasant to be around. I dreaded every meeting I had to attend 3 times a week. I am now almost 44 years old, and I still resent those people and my mother.

[newbie1956 in reply to Hidden]

No problem Myttyns,

I have a son who feels that way when he's depressed. Recently he attended a get-together with us and most of those there were the old friends that he knew from the congregation.

He has a totally different attitude about them now. As an adult he sees how God has corrected, molded and refined his people. We needed that And it's unthinkable for anyone to be rude, even kids. My son didn't know that we have only 2 meetings a week & showed keen interest in attending again.

Sorry you had that experience.

Agape

[Mickey1953 in reply to Hidden]

I know exactly how that feels, only for me it was the Southern Baptists.

My parents were there every time the door was open, and I got dragged along. I never had friends from school because they didn't go to our church. I didn't have friends of my own until I got to college, and I was at a distinct disadvantage; I didn't know how to relate to 'normal' people. I grew to resent that church, and was angry that my parents hadn't given me any skills to survive in the real world.

Fortunately, I married a man who lived in the real world, gave me skills and confidence in myself. I had twelve years with him; he died when I was forty. I walked away from religion and embraced science, because that had extended my life. I was diagnosed at 35 with cancer, but because of advances in medical science, I am still alive at age 66, still in remission.

I floundered terribly after my husband's death; my parents tried to 'bring me back into the fold', but I resisted, determined to stay reality-based. My childhood haunts me still; I have difficulty making friends, trusting anyone new. I battle depression and anxiety, and I am alone. I still miss my husband terribly; he was the only person who understood my issues.

But I have companion animals that love simply, they aren't capable of manipulation. I take refuge in that, and have volunteered for years with a humane cat rescue group. Interestingly, several of my fellow volunteers have had a similar background to mine, and we can relate to each other's issues. We all still struggle. And that's why I am here on this board.

I hope you find help and encouragement here; I have. This place has become a safe place for me, talking to others who deal with similar issues.

[Mrspjsmom]

All you can do is try. If someone doesn't like you that is on them. Socializing is like anything else you may make some mistakes but will learn from them. Try to relax and be yourself. You may find some wonderful new friends. HUGS!

[nanhaus]

Hidden Thank you for sharing your story. I want to give you a perspective from someone who works with many people who have social anxiety, are introverted, or on the quiet side. I am a coach and I am not here to give you advice, rather give you a different perspective for you to consider. I know, very well, how the mind works and especially, how it works against us. I had a similar upbringing.

You have all the power to chnage how you FEEL and THINK about your history and current social ability. I know that it looks as though our past creates our current state and results in life.

And yes, the past can certainly influence how we feel and think in the present. But our thoughts and feeling belong to us and we can always choose how we think about our past and especially how we want to think about our present and our future.

The only reason why you don't have friends and feel lonely is because you think "I have no social skills", "I have always felt different" , "I never belonged anywhere" and "I'm always worried about saying or doing the wrong thing with people, and that they won't like me."

All of those thoughts are creating the RESULT = no friends. All of those thoughts are optional. Can you see that? They are not FACTS, even when they feel they are. I had a similar story growing up but I have a lot of friends and a healthy social life. My past didn't have to change. Only my thinking did. Social skills are something ANY person, regardless of their past or background can learn and develop over time.

Your life will dramatically change when you STOP thinking that you are different, have no social skills, don't belong, or worry about doing or saying the wrong thing. Those thoughts are not serving you in any way, whatsoever.

There is nothing you can do about your past and how you were parented. It was unfortunate, as many of our stories are, but now, you have all the power to change your current story, your current view of life, and how you want your life to look and feel like.

START thinking that you are the type of person that can learn new skills, that can be genuine with people AND that can be liked and well regarded just as you are. Those thoughts WILL serve you in creating for yourself the RESULT= I have friends + I have a social life. Good luck!

[Hidden in reply to nanhaus]

I really love this answer 😊

[Tetelatia]

Well I certainly can understand why you feel that way. Seeing the way you were isolated from the world. But please feel free to reach out to me and Express yourself. I battle depression and anxiety also.

[foobarbaz]

I'm in a very similar boat. I don't know how to reach out to people. It is very difficult. I started going to church about a year ago, and even to this day, after seeing the same people every week, I don't even really talk to most of them. And the ones I do, it is never more than a few words.

It is incredibly lonely, and people often tend to blame us for it. Because as humans, we seek what is most familiar, and for people like us we are most familiar with loneliness. I know you feel alone but your not. I will be here to talk or just listen anytime. Please don't give up. Sometimes it helps just being around people, even if you can't bring yourself to interact with any of them.

Sometimes the loneliness can actually be peaceful. It is a mixed bag, but you can get through it. Just remember, our power as human beings is to create and to destroy. It may seem like an impossible battle, but it is not. It is just extremely difficult, especially as we get older. It is normal in this society for people to become more isolated as they get older.

I hope you find someone. Sometimes just having one person to be around is enough. If nothing else just know that many of us feel your pain and we love you and understand how you feel. Good luck.

[TenaciousinTN]

Often times the word "change" or feeling as if we have to change for any reason ( even if we want to) can bring on anxiety and fear. I encourage you to consider freeing yourself of the word "change". Maybe you want to make friends or try something different, these are forms of change without the anxiety the word "change" brings with it. I also encourage you to consider learning and practicing being in the present moment. Much of the time anxiety and depression are triggered by thoughts of the future or past. When we train our thoughts to stay in the present and trust that we are okay just as we are, we feel less anxiety, fear, and depression. Other people are often drawn to us as friends when we become more calm after practicing being in the present, or mindfulness. My best to you. Life does get better, let go of what you do not want in your life and enjoy what feels good.

[pink318]

Hello,

You mentioned that you care so much about what other people think about you. I used to be like that and I understand that it was hard to deal with. I learned through the process that I cannot please people, some people may like what I do and some will not.

My friend’s daughter was looking for new friendship and her life group was a big help to her. At first, she was hesitant to join because she’s shy and introverted but thankfully she did it. She is now starting to gain self-confidence and less shy. I hope you can also try to join a support group, please try to connect with your church or community. It will help you to gain friends. You can also try to volunteer or do some activities that you will enjoy, also a great way to meet new friends. Please keep us posted. We are here and we care for you. Praying for you for peace and comfort. Take care.

[Leah8414]

Be your self . And the right people will like you for who you are . Sometimes when we feel like we dont belong its because we are aware of something so much bigger then us . Not everyone is gonna like you or me for that matter but we all mirror our own selfs into people . . It dont matter what people think of you . Its what you think of yourself that catches the eyes of those that see your true to yourself . Just be you and you your feiends will find you .

[Hidden]

Seems like your mother loved you a lot. Don't hate her. You are a blessed child to have such a mother who has spiritual mindset. She might not be well matured at that time. So take care!