Good day, good evening
I apologize if i may have a bad english this is not my mother language. I'm Thopity and i am 21 years old. I have no perpective of a future and i am unable to feel anything but stress and deep sadness.I am the oldest child of the family and i have 9 brothers. I live with my mom and two of them. I am in a complex situation where i have been pretty much stuck at home for nearly 4 years now.
Back when i was 17 and just graduated i have decided to stop the studies i was doing because i did not liked it and wanted to explore new things, i also had an health problem who played on my already existant social anxiety and going to class was difficult. My mom gave me her permission to quit, i wanted to work a little to have a bit of money and save, maybe for a trip or a new computer. At the time my mom was pregnant with my lastest brother (Josh) and the situation was very difficult with her new boyfriend since he lived at home. I feared that i was going to be the third parent again because i had already sacrifice to much as the oldest child when i had to care of my brothers while be a kid myself and always had to do what their father and my mother should have done as parents, but she promised me it will be no such things.
Finding a job was diffcult but i made it and was fired short after because of covid in 2019. I was jobless and was not studying and eventually my mother gave birth to Josh. She told me that she had the desire to working again and that i must find work as fast i as can to support the family or i had to stay home to take care of my brothers. She also told me that she have to take a part of the money i gain to buy a car, that she will help me buy a computer. She never did i never saw the color of the money i gain and i've only worked 3 month, and we never got a new car.
My relation with her have always been difficult, she had me at 17 and i had a really tough childhood. I can never satisfy her will. I am doing the cooking the cleaning and childcare of my brother all alone, i have no time for myself, my mom is going out all night on the weekend so i have to check on my brothers at night and take care of them at day because she's sleeping. I have lost many friends because i became unable to take care of my relationship with others, I can't sleep at night and i am always exhausted i don't feel worthy of anything and i have losen track of what i used to like and what i wanted to be good at.
I must not complain because she is the housekeeper, and how can i dare neglect my family? I am always rewarded with judgment, mocking and degradation. Attempt to leave the house or taking my life have all failed because i am not brave enough. The last time i tried my mother have said to me the most vile words ever said to me while i was in distress. It ahad already happen before but time is not healing my wounds, it only leds to trauma forgivness until it be reminded by a sound, a smell or a voice.
I cannot be next to my parents without this hard feeling of disgust and sadness, without this shivering feeling that is passing throug my guts and pinching my heart. This is making me very sad because i have never felt that for someone else but this is what i feel for them. I have been promised again that i could go back to school again at the end of the year but i fear this may be not true. If not i'll have to find a way by myself and leave the house or else i may just lost my battle against whatever i am fighting. My mind is slowly drifting.
My story
The last letter I sent my mother, I can’t take anymore 
Battling depression and suicidal thoughts 
My name is Rose and this is my story 
