I apologize if i may have a bad english this is not my mother language. I'm Thopity and i am 21 years old. I have no perpective of a future and i am unable to feel anything but stress and deep sadness.I am the oldest child of the family and i have 9 brothers. I live with my mom and two of them. I am in a complex situation where i have been pretty much stuck at home for nearly 4 years now.
Back when i was 17 and just graduated i have decided to stop the studies i was doing because i did not liked it and wanted to explore new things, i also had an health problem who played on my already existant social anxiety and going to class was difficult. My mom gave me her permission to quit, i wanted to work a little to have a bit of money and save, maybe for a trip or a new computer. At the time my mom was pregnant with my lastest brother (Josh) and the situation was very difficult with her new boyfriend since he lived at home. I feared that i was going to be the third parent again because i had already sacrifice to much as the oldest child when i had to care of my brothers while be a kid myself and always had to do what their father and my mother should have done as parents, but she promised me it will be no such things.
Finding a job was diffcult but i made it and was fired short after because of covid in 2019. I was jobless and was not studying and eventually my mother gave birth to Josh. She told me that she had the desire to working again and that i must find work as fast i as can to support the family or i had to stay home to take care of my brothers. She also told me that she have to take a part of the money i gain to buy a car, that she will help me buy a computer. She never did i never saw the color of the money i gain and i've only worked 3 month, and we never got a new car.
My relation with her have always been difficult, she had me at 17 and i had a really tough childhood. I can never satisfy her will. I am doing the cooking the cleaning and childcare of my brother all alone, i have no time for myself, my mom is going out all night on the weekend so i have to check on my brothers at night and take care of them at day because she's sleeping. I have lost many friends because i became unable to take care of my relationship with others, I can't sleep at night and i am always exhausted i don't feel worthy of anything and i have losen track of what i used to like and what i wanted to be good at.
I must not complain because she is the housekeeper, and how can i dare neglect my family? I am always rewarded with judgment, mocking and degradation. Attempt to leave the house or taking my life have all failed because i am not brave enough. The last time i tried my mother have said to me the most vile words ever said to me while i was in distress. It ahad already happen before but time is not healing my wounds, it only leds to trauma forgivness until it be reminded by a sound, a smell or a voice.
I cannot be next to my parents without this hard feeling of disgust and sadness, without this shivering feeling that is passing throug my guts and pinching my heart. This is making me very sad because i have never felt that for someone else but this is what i feel for them. I have been promised again that i could go back to school again at the end of the year but i fear this may be not true. If not i'll have to find a way by myself and leave the house or else i may just lost my battle against whatever i am fighting. My mind is slowly drifting.
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Thopity27
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Hi your mother has clearly been using you as a substitute parent which is completely wrong. It is her choice to have children so she must raise them herself without relying on you all the time. Helping out from time to time is fine, but not more than that.
If I was you I would get away from there as soon as possible. You won't be able to live your own life until you do.
Hey, im so sorry. I'm 22 and parents having babies from other people really messes us up. My dad had a baby from a woman my age and i haven't been the same. Being the eldest is so hard. Especially when parents are irresponsible and make you a substitute parent. You're so brave for staying there and taking care. I ran away. And I could never work. It's hard how i will fund my escape. It's so hard and im so sorry you're there. Take care of yourself till you can't figure out a better situation. And try to heal. To me it's vice versa - i had my better situation, didn't heal and i might have to go to mom's house as i graduate and I don't want to become she inflicts those same feelings of shame and guilt and abuse and she's an alcoholic. Sorry for talking about myself, that's your space, just wanted you to know you're not alone. You're a hero. How do you manage? How do you take care of yourself? You're so strong and unique. I could really learn from you
i am very thankfull for your response. I am very sorry that this is happening to you, i am sorry for both of us. My grandma was alcoholic too and she had my mother very young too. She died at 45. The last memory i have from her is that a had to drag her from the bathroom because she passed out and i 've must been 7 years old. You're braver than i could ever been for leaving. I often disociate my mind from my body and i cry very often lately, i guess this is a Bit helpful for me i guess. Sometimes i am hyperfixating on stuff so i have something to keep going. This is the first time i speak to what is happening into my personal life and it's actually making me take a breather. Very happy to talk to you.
Glad you feel better. Im sorry about your grandma, im scared about mom. Talk and share if it helps. I personally can't hold it all in and do it compulsively. You're important, do what helps you. Rn im in a critical condition and trying to survive and these things can save a life
I am very bad at comforting but i'll have you in my prayers and my heart. I will never tell you how to behave or be judgmental but i wish you all the bravery and the strengh you need to keep going.
Hi Thopity, thank you for such a brave post. Your English is pretty good 👍 When we are mentally stressed,
we often find our sleep 😴 becomes an issue.
If you can, see a doctor for a health check to make sure nothing else is going on and for a tablet to help you sleep. Alternatively, use Dr Google to research the term sleep hygeine for tips on getting quality refreshing sleep.
You might like talk with a therapist or psychologist about your family situation. This can be face to face or online these days.
Your government may have some phone helplines worth checking out in the Health Department.
As a resident of Australia, these tips are very general. I hope and 🙏 they help you. 🐈⬛
I am very thankfull for your response. I know i have to go see a doctor about many health problems because fire fuel fire, stress leaded me to many other disease. I have to find the time and courage to be treated.
I just want to give you 100 hugs. I can’t believe you have that much on your plate so young. I’m 37 with three kids and can barely manage so my heart really goes out to you. I get desperate for alone time so much so that I wake up at 4:30 am just so I can be alone. Sometimes I just sit and cry, do yoga, or just give myself a hug. Parenting is so hard and I’m sorry it’s being forced on you. 😢
I am very thankfull for the support you are giving me. I felt less alone since i have shared my story. I am myself often staying up late at night when everyone else is sleeping, the only moment i can breath for myself. I understand your struggle and i wish you all the bravery and the strengh you need to keep going.
I am very thankfull that you answered me , i feel seen. I understand that heavy feeling in the morning, making me very sad. I wish you all the bravery and strengh to keep going.
Be kind to yourself, we are all valuable human beings & deserve kindness. It does seem that you are not just " human being" more like " human doing" & its very hard to be relied on so much by your mother & brothers. Sometimes it's small victories that keep us going
I am very thankfull for your response. Seing myself as an human being have became really difficult these past years. I will look forward to small victories. Have a nice day.
I can feel your pain and anguish.. your family sounds like the reason for all your problems. I know it's hard to believe that sometimes but until we do we are caught in a vicious circle. You have great strength already. The proof is what you have put up with in your life. You deserve much better and you have friends here. You must try to find a way to remove yourself from this toxic family. Your health, your wellness and your life are at risk. Use that inner strength I'm praying for you and sending my best for you to succeed. You are not alone.
I am very thankfull for your support. It is really hard to care about myself, as i was built to feel guilt or mistaking selfcare for selfishness. I have felt less alone since i've shared and i know the hardest step for me right now is going away. Forever gratefull. Have a nice day.
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