I just think you guys should know me a little better...

[Midnightwolf1]

Ok, so My name is Skylar, I can go by Sky if you want. I'm 16 and am going into the 11th grade. After high school I am going into the air force than I am going to be a children's cancer doctor. I have a little brother.

I have major depression, minor anxiety and am paranoid someone is watching me since I was 11. I want to say that my childhood was a neglected childhood and that I come from a devoiced family. My mother and EX step mother were (and mom still is a times) a bitch to me and always blamed stuff on me 75% of the time but they are changing cause I've pulled away from them and quit talking for a while. My dad works all the time so I don't think he ever really noticed. My depression and paranoid all started when my dog Jake died. I know its seems like a small thing but he was there for me when no one was. My brother hates me at time which is the worst cause he's the reason I'm still living. I've tried to kill myself twice. Once at home when I was 13 but my brother almost caught me and another time at school in the girls bathroom last year. But I didn't cut too deep cause I realized I didn't want my brother living this life so I stay to make sure I can help him not live this like of pain, self-hate, self-doubt, suicide, etc. I quit cutting in Jan. of this year so I'm 5 months clean. But I haven't cried since Oct. I didn't even cry at my Aunt Bettys funeral that was on my birthday cause I beat myself up for it when I know I shouldn't and now I can't even cry if I wanted. At 13 I got put into the Mental Hospital for 5 days cause I accidently said something I shouldn't to a teacher I got really close with and got in huge trouble from my EX step mom and family friend for it. I moved around a lot so it was hard to make friend and keep them. I have close friends know but I don't tell the whole truth. And about a year ago one of my friends and my acquaintance told me that someone threated that they was going to rape me so that put me in a deep depression and now I have a bigger trust issue. To cope with everything since I really don't tell anyone this I read book, listen to music and talk long walks through the wood. It keeps me sane enough so.

But that all I can really think of but now you know a little more about me. But anyone who need help I can try to help but I'm just a person so I can't always help/

~Sky

[Vonnah]

I'm glad you choose to vent here it's good to get things out and not bottle things up. I've done the same thing and still do because i have absolutely no one. You are so strong and i wish you could see it. You are a warrior! I'm sorry to hear the situation with your parents and how you felt treated by them. I'm sorry you used to cut. I've thought about it.....but listen I'm here for you. I can only imagine how you must feel.

I can't even believe i'm saying this: but i felt the same way you do at your age. I still do. High school is in my past thankfully (seriously thank God cuz it was hell) and i still haven't fully put it behind me in terms of emotions and feelings that i felt from my teenage years. I was depressed and anxious for many years and it mostly went unnoticed. One day everything just changed and i wasn't happy. Years later i realized i never was happy and i never loved myself. And if i ever did, i'd love to know when i did.....but anyways I'm 20 now and still have depression and anxiety. I still hate myself inside and out. I'm not confident and i feel lonely. Never had a bf or a real friend. I've been through a lot and the older i get seems like the more suicidal thoughts i get.

The main thing i wanted to say was, at 16 i didn't know what to do with myself. I struggled with the thought of going or not going to college, i felt lost, i wasn't confident and i just felt so worthless and empty. I wished i didn't exist. But surprisingly i never hurt or killed myself. Even though i wish i could. But i didn't and you at 16 is so strong and you've survived so much more than i did. Someday you will share your story with your loved ones you have found throughout your life and they will look up to you as a warrior and a fighter. You are stronger than you think and you even have plans for your future!!!! I was so lost back then i didn't even know if college was the right choice. You seem very smart and mature for your age and you've already gone through what most people haven't. Think about that. Don't ever give in or give up. You can get through high school like i did and go out in the world and start your own life. Try to find the real people that matters. It's gonna be okay this is just a part of your story. You can overcome depression❤

Please feel free to message me on here anytime. I promise you i have felt the same way you do and still do so i know where you are coming from. Being a teen is tough especially when your parents don't pay attention to you and what's going on in your life and not treating you right. I'm always here😘❤👋

[Midnightwolf1 in reply to Vonnah]

THANK YOU SO MUCH! That really helped me. I know that eventually I can get over it hopefully. I trying to build up courage and loving myself but it's so hard. Thank you for being here for me when we don't really know each other. <3 It's good to know someone's there who understands.

[Vonnah in reply to Midnightwolf1]

Your welcome😄 i'm more than glad it helped you by what i said. You will recover and it takes time, patience, and hard work but it's possible. I totally understand because learning self love is hard. I still wonder how in the hell women achieve that but it's possible and it's important for our physical and mental health to love and care for ourselves. And anyone could say you need to go and love yourself but it's easier said than done. I'm still trying to figure that out. I feel like there are plenty of women my age who love themselves and look and dress pretty but i can do it too but i gotta work on myself first. Therapy is my number one priority for my mental health right now. Then later on i will start exercising because it can help cope with depression and boost your moods. I can learn how to be more gentle with myself but it takes time. That kind of stuff doesn't just happen overnight but it's the journey through revovery that will make you say it was all worth it. You got this!!!!!

[Midnightwolf1 in reply to Vonnah]

Thanks again, I'm actually trying to work out so I'm ready for the military PT but its hard to get motived by your self.

[fauxartist in reply to Vonnah]

you go girl.....you know you got a friend here....I am seeing a miracle in action....you are doing it woman....give yourself credit for what you have and are doing....you are helping others with your own story...that's what it's all about.....

[Midnightwolf1 in reply to fauxartist]

Hopefully it helps other people. Thanks

[Hidden in reply to Vonnah]

You aren’t that old yet. In ten years you will not even remember highschool. Embrace who you are. So what if you are single and without friends. You can’t think of life in such a linear pattern. Embrace being single and everything else you think is wrong with your life, because it is who you are now. Being sad about those things will turn people off. If people see how confident and comfortable you are in your own skin they will be attracted towards you.

[Vonnah in reply to Hidden]

I get it but it's easier said than done. I just don't love myself. I can't embrace or accept it now because I'm so unhappy. Yeah I'm single but I've never felt truly loved by someone. There have been times when i felt my parents didn't love me. How do i undo all the self hate? Therapy can't possibly be the only solution....

[fauxartist in reply to Vonnah]

like you said Vonnah... your number one priority is therapy right now...and that's where things will change.....you will learn to love yourself....start with looking at what you’re doing right now....you’re helping someone....what's not to love.....

[Vonnah in reply to fauxartist]

Your right❤ thanks for reminding me. I gotta take some deep breaths......

[bridder01 in reply to Hidden]

Amen to that! lol But don't worry Vonnah, it won't happen overnight. It's a constant work-in-progress, but you've already got yourself on your journey Just be yourself! After all, if you can't be yourself, who can you be? lol

Your friend,

Brian

[Rpan]

You both have powerful stories. Sky we have to express your feelings, even when we don’t want to.

[Midnightwolf1 in reply to Rpan]

I know but its hard for me to express them without feeling guilty plus I think I'm taking after my father who never really shows any feelings...

[bridder01]

Pleasure to make your acquaintance once again Sky! Sorry I haven't replied earlier but sometime real life can be a total pain in the rear! lol I am so happy that you decided to share your story. For one so young to have gone through so much, it just breaks my heart. Yet, despite all you've gone through, you are an amazingly wonderful person. And I'm not just saying that. I have seen so many young people (both when I was your age and as I've gone through life) virtually devastated and broken inside from the traumas they endured growing up. My heart goes out to them and I wish I could've been a big brother to them and protect them from the all of that pain and anguish. But you haven't let those bad things hold you down! The self-confidence and trust issues will work themselves out as time goes on. Just think back to how well you did at your prom! You were definitely the belle of the ball! Anytime you feel down or sad, think back to that and how well you overcame your depression and anxiety. Let that be the foundation for your self-confidence! If you can tackle prom, you can tackle anything! I have faith in ya Sky You're be breaking the sound barrier and breaking hearts in the Air Force before you know it And if you need any motivation, think of those cool jets you're gonna get to fly. And if you ever need a friendly ear to bend or just need some encouragement, me and the gang here will always be here for you You're gonna do amazing! And if you need some instant encouragement:

I choose to fight! Will you choose to fight too?

Your friend,

Brian

[Midnightwolf1 in reply to bridder01]

Thanks Brian. I needed that. I'll fight and I'm glad to have u and the gang here for me just like I'm here for you guys. Hopefully my self confidence and trust issues work themselves out. I'm really glad I found this site. Everyone is always so supportive on here and understands without judgement.

[bridder01 in reply to Midnightwolf1]

That's what we're here for, Sky

"Logic is the beginning of wisdom....not the end"

-Spock (Leonard Nimoy) from the movie "Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country" (1991)

Live long and prosper Sky We will always be here for you

Your friend,

Brian

[Marshall64]

I think that it is good that you are comfortable to share your story.

Regarding not being able to cry, are you on antidepressants? If I took too high a dose it robbed me of emotions.

[bridder01 in reply to Marshall64]

Sometimes, when you're ready for a good cry, it'll happen. Don't be scared about not crying Marshall and Sky. When you're ready, it'll come.

[Marshall64 in reply to bridder01]

I reduced the amount and that let me feel again. What i noticed was that one time my daughter cried and I felt nothing (which was unusual). He reduced the dosage so that I am empathetic again. I was on Welbutrin at the time.

[bridder01 in reply to Marshall64]

Oh God, you need say no more. I was prescribed Welbutrin when I was in my teens (back in the early 1990's). That and Lithium virtually put me in a waking coma. But medicine issues aside, sometimes you can't force yourself to cry. Like I said earlier, when you're ready to cry, it'll happen. I think you're very empathic Marshall. You're a good guy who speaks a lot of sense here

[Midnightwolf1 in reply to Marshall64]

No, I just can't cry, I can get teary eyed but when I know I just need a good ugly sob crying moment I can't.

[bridder01]

"Laugh hard. Run fast. Be kind."

-The Twelfth Doctor (Peter Capaldi), Doctor Who (2017)

[bridder01]

"We all change. When you think about it, we're all different people, all through our lives. And that's ok, that's good, you gotta keep moving, so long as you remember all the people that you used to be. I will not forget one line of this. Not one day. I swear. I will always remember....when The Doctor was me."

-The Eleventh Doctor (Matt Smith), Doctor Who (2013)