I am a mother of 4 Two adult children And two who live home with me. I am divorced after an abusive 24 year marriage. I have attempted my life while I was married. My ex is very difficult to deal with and does not send child support. I have depression and anxiety. Right now my depression is winning even though I fight the battle every day long and hard.
I am my own worst enemy I know. I am not suicidal but just want to stay in bed and ignore the world. Can’t really do that when you have responsibilities. I hate being a single mother. I am dating someone that my kids do not like and I don’t care if I see or not! I am just driving myself crazy!
I am here to help and support people and to receive the same!
Thank you for reading
Written by
Timetoheal
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i’m sorry you’ve been feeling that way 😔 i know life can be hard. Kudos to you by the way for leaving an abusive marriage, that right there shows how strong you are and capable of handling even the toughest of fights. Have you tried taking on a hobby, or doing something that brings you outside of your comfort zone that you could possibly enjoy? sometimes trying new things could be exactly what you need to bring that sense of hope and spark back into your life!
I know how hard it is to separate as I’ve just did the same as you. I also suffer depression,especially just now as my son has just taken his life with the same illness.If you can force yourself out to do something to take your mind off your problems it does help.I know how hard this is but it works.I take meds,alcohol but nothing works as well as doing something you like.I hope this helps and keep being strong.
Mia that is just so sad about your son. I admire you for being able to carry on . Exercise is supposed to be the best answer fordepression but it isalso the thing you least feel like doing.
Hi time to heal,I'm in a very similar stage of my life . I'm seperated after 20 years of abuse from my husband . I thought I was a reasonably strong person inside,although I am quite timid but my husband completely broke me. I didn't realise the mental damage he had done until it was too late and I sunk into a very deep depression,it was the emotionally abuse that literally killed my spirit,and I didn't think I'd ever be the same again. But I'm glad to say that I'm happy (mostly) again,which to me is a miracle. It takes time to heal from this sort of abuse. I know and understand your pain ,it's very personal,and I'm actually crying as iwrite this ,as it's a very emotional thing and only those who've been there can know what it feels like and the sense of shame and never being good enough it brings. But we aren't different to any other woman or man who deserves to be treated with respect and like we're important and matter. When were put down so much or treated badly those feelings stick around for a long time but I promise you they will go . It's normal that your feeling this way ,it's ok . I think we'd be pretty unusual if we came out if abuse completely unscathed. What has helped me is doing things that REALLY make me happy . That's were I found myself again. I took a break from pressure ( as I lived in a pressure cooker with him) . I still have lots of responsibilities,Ive got 3 children at home,17-21,2 with special needs,but we're finally healing and were closer than ever ( far from perfect), but these amazing people are my life and we need each other and it's a wonderful feeling,I adore them with all my heart . I haven't ever really spoke to anyone who's been through an abusive marriage . May I ask how it's been for you? , understand if that's too personali won't be offended at all,it'd just be nice to talk to someone who understands too . Was it hard for you to leave?
I pray that you find your happiness and purpose again ,I'm living proof it s possible . I still over stress ,and have my moments,but I'm not in that very deep depression thank goodness. 😊🤗
So this maybe long.... I met and started dating my Ex when I was 13 he was 16! We married at 20 and almost 23! The first time I remember any aggression or abuse was a couple of months Into the marriage. We were fighting and he threw a lighter at me! In hind site he was emotional abusive bit I did not recognize it then!
When we were dating. He and my sister did not get along. But neither did my sister and myself. I thought she was out to get me since he was her age and she did not like me dating! So while we were married we fought and yelled a lot at with each other. I like to discuss everything. He likes to not! I would push and demand he speak to me, he would hide in a room and I would follow. This pushed him
And he would come out and yell and hit me. Normally it was a smack in the face to get me to stop. It was always“my fault” if I didn’t push him then he wouldn’t hit me.
He moved us around the country a lot again I never thought it was because he was controlling it was because he could not settle or find himself. I could almost predict when I was going to get hit! I could sense that it had been too long since the last time I was hurt by him. Sometimes i would make him mad at me on purpose because I didn’t want him taking it out on the kids. Again that is in hind site when I look back now I realized that I was doing it.
We moved to California in 99. That is when the abuse started getting more consistent. Name calling i am a “fucking cunt” that is his go to. My second oldest daughter saw almost all the abuse he never left a mark on me at the beginning of it. Until about the year 2001. I again still thought that it was because I was in the wrong and he needed to make me understand!
I never learned or understood that this was abuse! I took the hits because I made him mad it was my fault. We moved back East after 9/11 and stayed with my parents. After their dog bit my daughter my ex had an argument with my mother and told her don’t make me fucking beat the shit out of you like I do your daughter! And still I stayed with him. I took pride in being married. Everyone I knew was divorced! Except my parents but all my friends were divorced.
We moved again back to his home town in Canada. The abuse was now consistent every couple of weeks or more if things were stressful like money or when he drank. Which was often. Now he was leaving marks and they were not just smacks! He lost his job due to his aggression and anger and could not find a job after being in Canada for seven years. We moved back to the states with My parents. He just got worse. He fought with me and my family it was ugly. Yet again I stayed! We moved InTo our own place and he started working. His immigration was not complete and it was stressful! He worked for our landlord (once we moved out of my parents)with younger people. He was drinking tremendously and was drunk nightly. I tried to control what was brought into the house but then would get hit if I said anything. I thought it was too stressful for him to live in the house that his boss owned and I found another place to live. Thinking it was too much for him. He was always working. Property management was what he was doing for over 30 houses in various towns. I was just stupid and in denial. We moved into a great house and he was working a lot. I had three jobs that paid next to nothing but I was In school. He never brought home Money and after 8 moths living at the new place we were being evicted. He never paid the rent. My money went to the utilities, food and kid things. He said he made $1000 a week and could pay the $1200 rent. But he did t pay it! He got paid cash so I could never see a check stub!
He was never home and when I got home he would always say he got called into work and would never came home. We fought a lot over the phone and text. And when he was home he would physically abuse me when we talked about the eviction!
It was now strangling and punching. I went to my grandmothers funeral with a black eye
Because he punched me. I was arrested the night before because my car was not registered or inspected. I was mad at my husband because he would not come and bail me out and I hit him
For the first time in our marriage and asked him how he liked it. He responded by punching me in the face while I was driving getting my car from the impound. I was knocked out while driving and for the first time he was concerned about his reaction.
One night during the time we were being evicted. I asked if he could stay home and we can figure things out he refused. I accused him of having a affair or doing drugs. And he still wouldn’t come home. Blamed me and said I was too interested in school to fix the house situation. That it was
My fault that I could not support the family or pay for his immigration. When he came home because I said I was going to kill myself we were standing In The kitchen I had a handful of pills in my hand and he said do it please do it so I did! He smiled and said I am going to wake the kids and let them watch you die. And he made himself dinner! It was after 11:00 pm! My daughter who was about 19 then called 911 the police came with ambulance and tried to convince me to go to the hospital. My husband just kept cooking. I didn’t want to die I just wanted all the crazy to go away! My daughter signed an IAE and I was admitted into the psychology hospital. Can you believe I was studying psychology at the time?! To be released from the hospital I had to go before a judge and my daughter needed to testify about why she had me admitted. She said she wanted me home but didn’t wAnt me to go home to her father . Well he released me and I went home. He came to visit me once in the hospital and I told him I was they way I wAs because he molded me into that person. He left when I said that it would not come back to see me. My sisters came and my daughter and tried to convince me to leave him. I said I would but had to work through it first.
When I got home he was in bed. The sink was filled with dishes that were there a week before when I went to the hospital! He was passed out! He wouldn’t talk to me when I got home.
The next day I took my daughter to get her belly button pierced and do fun things with her and my son. I told my husband that we were doing that he would not get out of bed when we got home he beat the crap out of me because I didn’t ask his permission on the piercing. I found out that day that he was addicted to Meth and that is where all the Money was going. He told me that he went to court about the eviction when I was in the hospital and it was all set we can stay! I was at work at High school in September and my daughter who admitted me Called and said the police were at the house with the landlord and we were being kicked out! He did nothing! So we were homeless. The police gave us a week to get our stuff out. He put everything in different storage units. We camped at a campsite resort where I worked part time during the week and then slept on the floor of one of the houses that his landlord owned. We did this for about a month until I found a house to rent weekly. I thought he stopped doing drugs. He was home with us all the time. Until he wasn’t! After we moved into the weekly rental he stated to have to go to work. On thanksgiving of 2017 we had a great day. We went to dinner with three out of 4 of our kids. My oldest lives in Florida! My daughter that admitted me was there for dinner. She had not been with us since we were evicted. It was a Great day.
We went back to the rental I was tired and my husband had a hurt back. We took a nap and my daughter went to her place. So my son and youngest daughter were there. I woke up from my nap to MY husband yelling at my daughter she was 15 at the time. You know when you wake up and you are confused at what is going on? I could just hear my daughter yelling. Let mom sleep. She cannot help your back. Man up you pussy! Well my husband was screaming and saying that I needed to rub his back! She was saying that mom Works three jobs and goes to school she needs to rest! He went crazy saying that I do nothing and that I am his wife that I need to rub his back! I started yelling for everyone to stop fighting. It was ugly. My daughter was saying horrible things and so wasn’t my husband. She went to her room I got in between the door and him. He grabbed me and threw me down to the ground when I got up he was in her room on top of her with his hands around her neck! I grabbed him off and told him to leave the house. He broke furniture and mirrors but left to only come back in the middle of night for me to kick him out again.
I found out days later that he broke my ribs that day!
Since we were considered homeless there was a case open against my husband at DCYF I reported and my daughter separately reported the thanksgiving night to DCYF. They told me that I either file a restraining order against my husband or they will take the kids. So I filed it! New beginnings a domestic violence agency helped me. However since his immigration was not complete ICE picked him up and he spent three months in federal jail and was deported when I testified against him in immigration court. It was ugly he was on video and they asked me about the abuse. He yelled over me every time I tried to answer anything!
He was deported in March of 2018. I filed for divorce on our 24 wedding anniversary. The divorce was final right after Thanksgiving of 2018 almost exactly a year after I last saw him. He did not do anything in the divorce he refused to follow any American government laws so I got the divorce by default. I have full custody of our minor children. But he is supposed to pay child support which he does not.
He still tries to mentally abuse me and the kids but I am getting better at setting limits!
Wow, thankyou for sharing that ,you really are a courageous woman!!! Sorry for late reply !! I'm not great at the internet😌.
Sooo glad you are out of that ,it's criminal!!! And at the hands of some one so close,so sorry you went through all of that !!!!
After you sharing I feel I can ,thought it's still hard ,I even close up with counsellors and won't tell them anything. My husband was very abusive more mentally and I struggle believeing in myself and knowing it was abuse . I was terrified of him !!! He drank a lot ,with his other drunken mates,and when he did he would come home ,or trash our house ,and then rage at me ,he would torment me , usually all night, and at times use knives to terrify me . At his worst he set things on fire in the yard ,like my wedding dress or anything,he drove his car drunk and rammed into our house. On these nights I would be forced to sleep outside in terror ,I even had some bushes in the park where I'd go after running for my life . Respect for me was 0%. He didn't have to hit me anymore,I was putty in his hands i was so scared. We had no money but I some how managed. I was a nothing , literally at his complete Beck and call ,and fishing and drinking was his first love and his family came a long way down the list after that . He tried to make every one think I was crazy ,I remember one night when we were on holiday with his parents he came to the door in the middle of night drunk ,with a knife and demanded all our money for more drink . Other times he would lose it in the car and drive very erraticly with me screaming, believeing we'd crash . The next day he ,was happy , flipping around in the pool and made me seem like I was crazy ,stupid and depressed ,he often humiliated me . He was a cheater of course yet always claimed I was just always making trouble , getting upset over anything . I could give sooo many more examples. Another hard part was he puts himself on a pedestal,thinks hes Mr perfect,and tries to live up to that facade . And at times we appear Ed to be a happy family,I even believed it, if only I'd change and stop being so stupid and sensitive.Whenever he left me it meant nothing to him ,like flicking gum off his shoe ,I was nothing to him ,he screamed at me what a useless waste of space I was ,how I was stupid and knew nothing about life . His mother also destroyed my confidence nothing ever ever was right ,ever!!! She was a caring European mum on one hand and on the other undermined me at every turn,to the point it wasn't funny ,it caused so much distress for me and my children and just gave my husband more power over me .Funny though ,most people love my cooking and I enjoy making my home nice and have 4 awesome kids ,I win I think !!!!! Most people know the real him however I still do feel the blame and shame of it all . And most heartbreakingly of all for me this affected my eldest son deeply .it destroyed me mentally,he absolutely killed my spirit,that was my marriage every day , and I never thought I'd return, I thank god I did ,the depression was soooo bad ,I could never go through that again !!!!! I can't believe I'd ever feel this content,have bad days but not like before. ❤️
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