feeling defeated and hopeless

[Happy25]

I've been battling anxiety and depression my entire life. I grew up in a home filled with love but so much sadness. My mother has lupus and as a child I remember coming home from school and she would not be there. She would be hospitalized for a month at a time. So I grew up fast to care for my siblings. My father later lost his job and could not afford to support the family so he became emotionally and physically abusive. I became very depressed at a young age. I felt hopeless. Later my younger brother was diagnosed with schizo- effective disorder. And loosing him to that illness was unbearable but over 10 years of trying to find the right medications and finally stabilizing him brought the family closer together. But I continued to struggle with anxiety and depression and eating disorders. Last year my youngest brother was diagnosed with anca vasculitis and has kidney failure. Seeing him almost die in front of me was more that I could mentally bare so I ended up in a mental hospital. When I was released I stayed with my family to help each other through these difficult times. I was diagnosed with PTSD and chronic panic disorder. My mother and youngest brother continued having complications. In December my mother was hospitalized for 3 months she was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and is now with terminal cancer. I've been fighting my whole life to keep my family together but it feels as though it is coming to an end and there's nothing I can do. Life can sometimes be very cruel. I don't know where I find the strength to get up everyday. But I try my best.

[Hidden]

Life is that way, beautiful and sad at the same time. It’s really so hard to face the reality, I know I struggle with this too. My mom has lupus and has flare ups and this week getting blood work done again, it sends me into a panic bracing to hear the results. I’ve heard of a therapy called radical acceptance and I think that is the sum of what I need. To radically accept life for what it is. You have put up a brave fight for your family, be proud and satisfied with what you have done and the love you have show because in the end that’s all that matters.

[Happy25 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you 💖

[Stilltrying_]

Oh my goodness, what a terrible set of circumstances you have had to live and deal with all this time. My heart really goes out to you. It seems like you have had more than your fair share of bad things happening and to be honest it is no wonder you are feeling how you do.

Are you currently accessing any help? Do you get counselling or help from a mental health worker or anything like that? It is a very distressing time for you and almost like you are having to grieve already for what the future has to hold for you which is awful. Do you have any other sources of support? Partner, friends, colleagues, or fellow students (depending on your age)

I'm sorry this isn't a very full response. Sometimes I get tired myself and don't feel I can do justice to what it is people are going through, but I did want you to know that you've been heard and cared for and I hope it has given you just a little bit of the strength that you need.

Sending the warmest hugs, Gemma xx

[Happy25 in reply to Stilltrying_]

Thank you so much. I'm currently on medications and do have a therapist I see weekly. My husband and I moved to a new city to be close to my family but I don't have any friends here so I don't really have a strong support system my family are all very ill so they mostly rely on me. and my husband commutes and works really long hours so I only see him an hour a day at most. My depression and anxiety over the years have become debilitating so I had to quit my job 2 years ago.

[Hidden in reply to Happy25]

I also had to quit my last two jobs due to depression n anxiety. I think u are very strong for getting through all of that! One day at a time!! At least that’s what I keep telling myself!

[Happy25 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you so much!

[gogogirl]

So sorry for what you are going through- life is so unfair at times. You sure have been present for your family and you can be proud of that!

[Happy25 in reply to gogogirl]

Sometimes I feel like it's not enough. Other times it feels like it's more than I can bare. I feel like there's no end to this suffering. But I find comfort in knowing God has bigger plans for me and my family and all I can do is pray. Thank you so much.

[dukenu]

Wow, that is alot of shit you have been through and currently dealing with. That fact that you are here is already a monumental achievement! I don't know that I can say anything that helps, just that you are amazing for just existing, I think you are probably stronger and can handle things better than you give yourself credit for.

[Happy25 in reply to dukenu]

Sometimes we are our own worst critics. When I look in the mirror all I see is weakness and failure. But I'm going to use your kind words as positive affirmations and find strength from them. Thank you so much.

[IChoose]

I'm going to take a look at all of this from a different angle and suggest humor and lot of it. I like old Monty Python, Fawlty Towers, Mel Brooks Peter Sellers, Neil Simon. I loved the original Saturday night live with Chevy Chase. Please find some comedy that will get you laughing and don't stop. I'd love to know if you found something.