Is it PTSD?

[Kels78]

I don't talk to anyone in real life about this at all but I need to get this off my chest. I've had some really bad relationships over the years caused by my low self esteem. I was in a domestic violence relationship aged 20 then again aged 26 with a different man for 4 years until I had the sense to get out . Aged 30 I thought I'd found a great guy who I was with for a year but he was just using me while his divorce was going through then dumped me soon after. I went on a date with a guy from a dating site and he raped me. We somehow ended up back at his house and despite me drunkenly saying no it still happened. Nothing happened to this guy and I didn't do anything at the time and now its too late it was 10 years ago. I feel some anger inside about this and although I've been in a happy relationship for 8 years I have some bitterness and hatred of men deep inside. I know not all men are bad but even my own Dad left my mum after repeatedly cheating on her. I just can't shake this feeling that all men are terrible and going to cause me harm. Even though my poor partner has never done anything bad to me like the others I judge him by the same standards.i know this is wrong but I just can't help it.

[LadyZen]

It seems like you been through a lot. Have you considered seeing a therapist?

[Kels78 in reply to LadyZen]

Thanks yeah think I carry a lot of emotional baggage from the past. Another so called serious relationship I had for a year in 2014 he had 3 other women on the go. I've really seen all the bad that men can do. I'm not wanting sympathy I know some have been through the similar and worse. I carry it with me though. I've have had therapy before but certain things I've mentioned I never brought up in counselling and I probably need closure for that stuff. The DV relationships also both stalked me after I ended them, one threw eggs at my car, smashed window in etc. The other walked past my work several times a day. This was all years ago but I get anxiety and low moods at times and I start thinking of these bad memories. But no the guy I'm with now is solid, loyal, calm and dependable. The complete opposite to those creeps. I found a good one at last and after 8 years I have to move on.

[Hidden]

It’s understandable why you feel the way you do. Might be helpful to talk to a therapist about it.

[Kels78 in reply to Hidden]

True, I don't want to hate men. I know good ones do exist like my partner but I just don't trust any of them deep down.

[Hidden in reply to Kels78]

I have some of the same issues. I feel like I’ve been with too many guys and I get very defensive just talking to guys sometimes. I never had a brother and I don’t have a good relationship with my Dad so I think that’s part of it. And I think I’ve read too many stupid romance novels.

[Kels78 in reply to Hidden]

Yeah I can understand and relate to all of that. Its really hard to let your walls down when you've been hurt before.

[Kels78]

Thanks Twinkly. I think you and I sound like we're in a similar place. We can't change anything about those men they'll continue to be bad and do bad. What we can do though is get closure on it in some way. My partner now we have a child together and sometimes I can be so verbally spiteful to my partner even when our child is around and I really don't want to be that person.

[Kels78]

Suppressed anger, yes. I've never thought that before thankyou that does sound like me. I'm glad you realised it was your ex's issues and not yours. Sometimes time is a healer but sometimes it takes a bit more than that maybe depending on how much abuse there has been. I feel like one of those poor dogs you see in the shelter that have been through so much past trauma and neglect and can't trust in the good of people anymore.

[Kels78]

Thanks and so do you. 💗I don't often go on here as I don't always have much time but it helps to talk to people who won't pre judge you such as family etc. If I tell my mum this kind of stuff she would just say snap out of it move on etc. I once read an old (really quite dated) book called "Women Who Love Too Much." It says we model our own relationships on our parents relationships. So we basically date our fathers. Some of it is really out of date now as it was a book from the 70s or 80s I think? But looking at it, my mum was cheated on by my Dad who is definitely a textbook narcissist of some kind for sure. Then she was with an emotionally unstable man from my age of 8 until I was 15. He was verbally abusive to us kids and selfish. I think there is some truth in what we see as children is what we grow up to believe is "healthy." My now partner's parents have been in a secure faithful marriage for all of his life so he has not had that experience.

[Kels78]

Twinkly, you've had a difficult time from the sounds of things. Interesting though when you look back such as with your dad, he had a controlling mum, so that made him become the way he was. Everyone is a product of their own past. If that wasn't a good past then they go on to be dysfunctional with others and so it continues. Very sad really.

[Kels78]

Well I've just started taking prozac 20mg. My first day today. I feel a bit of a failure for going back on to ADs as I've been a long time without them but its really been a struggle lately with my anxiety. Even simple things like going to the supermarket I just want to drop my shopping and run out of there. The doctor was really understanding. Discussed abusive past. Doctor said perimenopause also could be a thing at my age. Feels like a productive day.