Relationship issues

[Naturelover58]

My daughter is a young adult. She has been living with her serious boyfriend for almost 4 years. She had a concern that she wanted to discuss with him but decided to hold off, until waiting after he got back from a business trip which he was leaving for in a few days. It wasn't about breaking up, but a concern that she wanted to address with him. He realized she was not herself and asked her to discuss it with him at that point(that he realized) and she did. He immediately became very upset before she had a chance to even really discuss anything, and told her that he was done with their relationship. This is after a four year loving relationship. My daughter had some financial concerns about their future, but again, that never even got addressed. Her boyfriend was upset that she had been "hiding something" for a period of days. Anyway, one night in the past few days, she had gone to bed and he checked her phone. There was a friendly message from a girl that she had met, and he became convinced that she was cheating on him,disguising a guy as a girl. They share a house together and were planning a future, and he is convinced that the reason behind my daughter being upset for the last couple of days was this supposed affair with a guy. My daughter has talked to him several times about this, but he is saying that the relationship is over, unless my daughter tells him who this girl really is. All of this sounds completely irrational and I don't know how to help my daughter navigate the anxiety with what is happening, and the absolute difficulty with the loss of what the future that they had planned together. She has said that in the four years previous, they had never argued and this is inexplicable to her. She has arranged for a visit with a counselor tomorrow to help her think things through. Thankyou.

[DodgeDhanda]

Hi NL58.

Guidance is all we can do once our kids grow up & become young adults upward.

It's hard not to get involved & I have 2 daughters but I now just give guidance & I do need to stop myself from doing the overprotective parent thing as for the last 18yrs it's just been me & the girls as their mother didn't wish to be one & so left.

Over the years I've taught my daughters how to be good people & always bounce back & have myself learned to offer advice & not get upset if they don't want to take my advice.

However they both know Dad is always there for them when they need to sound off & I do just listen & have them make their own choices & it is very hard to do but we do need to respect their individuality & back their choices & if they don't work just be there & that's it.

As for his reasoning & accusations they seem odd & no point in flying off the handle when he didn't actually know why ur daughter was upset.

For that situation all I can say is just be there as U already are.

Make hard decisions are what being an adult is about. However not everyone makes the correct decision but how else do we learn & I learned a long time ago, it's better to make the wrong decision than no decision at all.

Lastly for U & ur daughter.

I wish U love &light on ur journey.

[Naturelover58 in reply to DodgeDhanda]

Thank you so much DodgeDhanda. I had typed a reply, but now don't see it, so I will try to write the gist of what I had sent before. I do recognize that as a parent, I have to give my daughter space to navigate this journey, and thank you so much for telling me this, because as a parent, I want her to make the decisions that she is comfortable with, that she alone has decided. It is in no way an easy thing to watch as a parent, seeing your child hurt at any age. I didn't see this coming either and now it is important for me to be there for my daughter when needed, but a pep talk like you have given is what I can refer back to when the stress is also getting to me. Thank you so much.

[DodgeDhanda in reply to Naturelover58]

Hey NL58.

Ur most welcome & I hope I've given U a bit of a view of how as parents we need to bite our lips & say nothing at all & when our kids do come to us , the one thing we should never say is " I told U so " or put our child's partner down either as there could be a chance that they actually sort things out.

Also don't be offend if ur daughter swears or even picks a fight with U , as they only do it knowing U will forgive them & its a safe release for their anger too.

Sometimes it can be hard to see ur kids argue with U but they have pent up anger & it's far safer that they release with U there & not infront of others who don't know ur daughter.

Over the years of me raising my girls on my own I have lost it & got angry & when they do too I accept is as they will have things pent up feelings too.

I hope ur daughter does come chat to U to get ur insight before she let's 4 yrs & possibly more go. However I still can't understand why he got upset when all ur girl wanted was to discuss things & then throwing the word affair at her, maybe if she wanted to let him meet her friend but she doesn't really owe him that.

Lastly

I wish U love & light on ur journey

[Kinlay]

It sounds like something is going on with HIM and he's projecting it on to her. For him to accuse her and get so upset out of the blue is scary. And to simply end the relationship without giving them time to discuss things shows that he has some instability and/or already was unhappy.

The whole "hiding something" thing rings badly for me. Perhaps HE is the one hiding something? Regardless, if he is willing to throw their relationship away so quickly, she is going to be better off in the long run - although I truly know how much it hurts.

I would encourage her to ask him to go to a couples counselor with her, but if he refuses... frankly, I'd say she dodged a bullet. How would he behave is she had addressed her financial concerns (which is something couples need to be able to discuss? Or when another serious issue came up? Better to find out how he responds now than when she is further invested.

[Naturelover58 in reply to Kinlay]

Thankyou Kinlay. Your concerns are also mine. This is the man that she planned to marry and her future with him is now uncertain at best. I agree as well that if he responds this way now, in a conflict, how will the future bode? As a parent I have to be there to support her and know that if he walks away now, or is unable to handle conflict, she truly is better to see it now. It is so hard saying this at this point because of the pain that she is in. Thankyou. I have also encouraged couple's counseling although at this point he is unwilling. Again, if this is where it goes now, and he is unwilling to work at the relationship, he is not the guy for her. Thankyou.

[GottaDance]

Sorry, but he sounds like a jerk she would be better off without. Some men hide their hostile, controlling feelings under a "nice guy" persona until they feel crossed by "their" woman. They can turn abusive, even violent. The facts that he was not willing to take the time she needed to explain her concerns, that he refused to believe a perfectly natural explanation, and that he broke off the relationship entirely rather than negotiate with his partner of four years all speak of a toxic underlying persona she would do better to avoid. Try to help your daughter avoid blaming herself, because that is what he will try to get her to do - internalize his hostility and use it against herself. Tell her she deserves better than the way he is treating her. Hope she can find a good counselor and a better boyfriend!

[Naturelover58]

Thank you GottaDance. I will try to support my daughter in any way I can.

[CLB1125]

Sounds quite convenient on his part. Is it possible that it’s him being unfaithful to her and is using this time as an excuse to get out ? It’s hard as a parent to have to watch them navigate through their own relationships. All we can do is be there to help them pick up the pieces when it doesn’t work out.

[Naturelover58 in reply to CLB1125]

Thankyou CLB1125. I don't think that my daughter's boyfriend was cheating, so much as him being paranoid that she was, when she indicated that she wanted to talk about her concerns. I think on my part, it's about needing the advice that you are giving, that as a parent I have to be there for her but also let her navigate her own relationship. Many years ago, as a late teen, I was dating someone that my parents didn't approve of. As a young adult, they had told me that I wasn't allowed to see him, and the fall out with my parents was horrific and bears emotional pain to this day. I don't want to be that parent but picking up the pieces, I will do. Thankyou.

[CLB1125 in reply to Naturelover58]

Yvw The hardest thing I ever had to do was watch my daughter give birth to her 18 and 19 weeks old babies and I couldn’t do anything to help her. But I stayed in the corner and waited until her and her husband wanted me. As a mother it was the worst feeling in the world. My son in law looked to me also, his mother was of no help to them at all. That’s a whole other story!! But one day I said to my daughter I was of no use to anyone anymore as my kids are adults now. She told me , we need you more than you’ll ever know. That makes all this depression and pain worth going through I guess.

[Naturelover58]

That must have been so difficult. I can only imagine. I went to send my daughter a note the other day, just to let her know that I was thinking of her, but she had already sent me a note, telling me how much she loved me and appreciated me being there for her. I think parenting is forever. Her boyfriend is away for work at the moment, and has been reaching out to her. I am giving her the space that she needs to make her own decisions. Not much else I can do or should do really.

[Naturelover58]

As a parent of an adult child in this situation, I have to pause to give her space to figure things out. She knows that I am here. I also have to fight the anxiety of "what happens if things go further south, and she will be trying to figure out long term living arrangements with her pets and how will that look?" That anxiety I fight.