Anxiety and Depression Support
18,607 members15,300 posts

Three years

***TRIGGER WARNING***

Abuse, sexual abuse, rape.

For three years of my life, I was nothing. I was not a human being. I was not a person. I was an object. For three long, long years I was an object.

From when I was 16 until I was 19, I was in a very abusive relationship. For three years, every time I would see my ex he would tie me to his bed. He would beat me unconscious and do what he wanted with my body.

He raped me. He sodomized me. He forced me to do things to myself I would never have done. He told me if I ever told anyone, he would kill me and then himself.

His favorite thing to do was to bite me. I had bruises and cuts all over my body from being bitten. He broke my skin many times.

One day when I was 18 he decided he was done with me. He pinned me down underneath him and put his hands around my throat. My world was going gray and everything seemed so unimportant. That I deserved this. That I wasn’t worthy of living.

Then something in me broke and I got free. I got my hands around his throat and he didn’t fight me. It was as if he understood that what he was doing to me deserved this punishment. I wanted to kill him. I wanted to end his life right there and walk away.

But I couldn’t.

I couldn’t do to him what he was doing to me. I couldn’t hurt him. I couldn’t hurt anyone. I am not a violent person. I couldn’t hurt him no matter what he did to me.

So I rolled off him and let him continue attacking me with his body.

He didn’t try to kill me again after that.

This went on for another year. He made me enroll in the same college he did because he wanted to keep me close.

But when we were there, he saw other potential victims. He got bored of me. He dumped me, then called the police on me saying I was going to kill myself. I was put in the mental hospital for 3 days. No one listened to me. No one tried to help me.

No one believed my cries of rape.

It’s over now. I have no evidence of the abuse besides what’s in my head. I’ve moved far away and made a life for myself here. I’m now 21.

I can’t do anything about what he did to me.

All I have are the nightmares, the flashbacks, the panic attacks, the crippling anxiety and depression. I want to help myself get over this, but my mind and body refuse to heal.

I hate myself for this and wish I had let him end my life.

9 Replies
oldestnewest

Please get some help. Some therapy and maybe a psychiatrist. Im glad you've moved on though. Please though see if you can talk to somebody, All blessings to you.

3 likes
Reply

(((((Tomb raider))))) you will heal. You are strong. You’ve been through so much. You are worthy and deserve everything good. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Don’t give up. How you feel now will pass.

3 likes
Reply

This is a truly distressing story. I think you need to put a "trigger warning" title on it as it could distress others.

I am so sorry you had to go through this. As others have said get yourself some help. It sounds like you may have PTSD as a result of these events. There is a site on Healthunlocked for PTSD sufferers which you may find useful.

Gemma XXX

2 likes
Reply

My apologies, I’ve grown so desensitized to the subject I often forget to put a trigger warning. I hope I didn’t upset you :(

1 like
Reply

I'm ok thanks but it is a distressing story. You could still put the trigger warning on but no worries if no-one has complained I guess. I'm so sorry you have been through this. No-one should have to go through the things you have been through. I hope you can find some appropriate support xxx

1 like
Reply

I figured it out and put a warning on it. I didn’t know I could edit after I posted ^^;

2 likes
Reply

I didn't know that, either. Or about the trigger warning. I'm sure it's something that was highlighted or marked as IMPORTANT when I signed up, so...my bad!!

I appreciate this info being brought up, so thank you tomb raider & stilltrying for getting a conversation going.

Tomb raider, I can totally understand your anger stemming from your traumatic attacks! I've I'm sure it feels like yesterday. I hope you find help and peace. Other than that, "Keep coming back"! We truly care about you and each other.

Kook

Reply

Im so sorry you went through this dear one. You are very precious and loved by God. His heart breaks, and my heart breaks that you had to go through this.

Can you take steps to find support, even if it's one small step? Find a local support group for rape survivors. Find a loving church community. Can you see a counselor and get some therapy to begin to work through all the trauma you've been through?

Sending love and prayers for healing, for a path to a full and healed life ahead. Not only can you carry on but someday you can help others who've been through horrible situations.

You are worthy of love and respect!

2 likes
Reply

tomb-raider, short of the 3 days you were in a mental hospital, I am not seeing anything about professional therapy. Having moved away and starting over is a good lst step but this is a little too deep for you to get over this on your own. It's not that your mind and body refuse to heal as much as it is about you needing intense therapy in working through the horrific trauma you went through. I hope that is step two in going forward in your life. xx

2 likes
Reply

You may also like...