Abuse, sexual abuse, rape.
For three years of my life, I was nothing. I was not a human being. I was not a person. I was an object. For three long, long years I was an object.
From when I was 16 until I was 19, I was in a very abusive relationship. For three years, every time I would see my ex he would tie me to his bed. He would beat me unconscious and do what he wanted with my body.
He raped me. He sodomized me. He forced me to do things to myself I would never have done. He told me if I ever told anyone, he would kill me and then himself.
His favorite thing to do was to bite me. I had bruises and cuts all over my body from being bitten. He broke my skin many times.
One day when I was 18 he decided he was done with me. He pinned me down underneath him and put his hands around my throat. My world was going gray and everything seemed so unimportant. That I deserved this. That I wasn’t worthy of living.
Then something in me broke and I got free. I got my hands around his throat and he didn’t fight me. It was as if he understood that what he was doing to me deserved this punishment. I wanted to kill him. I wanted to end his life right there and walk away.
But I couldn’t.
I couldn’t do to him what he was doing to me. I couldn’t hurt him. I couldn’t hurt anyone. I am not a violent person. I couldn’t hurt him no matter what he did to me.
So I rolled off him and let him continue attacking me with his body.
He didn’t try to kill me again after that.
This went on for another year. He made me enroll in the same college he did because he wanted to keep me close.
But when we were there, he saw other potential victims. He got bored of me. He dumped me, then called the police on me saying I was going to kill myself. I was put in the mental hospital for 3 days. No one listened to me. No one tried to help me.
No one believed my cries of rape.
It’s over now. I have no evidence of the abuse besides what’s in my head. I’ve moved far away and made a life for myself here. I’m now 21.
I can’t do anything about what he did to me.
All I have are the nightmares, the flashbacks, the panic attacks, the crippling anxiety and depression. I want to help myself get over this, but my mind and body refuse to heal.
I hate myself for this and wish I had let him end my life.