I never knew I had depression since I started high school. I always end up alone and being rejected because I was always weird. Never talk to other people, though when asked. Betrayed by , who I thought were my friends. Scolded for no reason, and been treated as if I should have not been born.
It was confusing at first knowing I know and I felt I didn't do anything wrong. But somedays, I really felt like my existence was never needed. Like I should have not been born yet I was and now I have to endure misfortunes to get where I should put myself in - in the hell dark and shut up.
Through the days, I always wanted to try to hurt myself, sometimes wanted to kill myself. I wanted to die so that everyone around me live in peace. I wanted to do it all the time.
College days were better in some ways because I met real friends. Hard at some point due to stress and anxiety always kicks in whenever pressure was added on the mixed of whirlwind deadlines for school projects, or whenever people tell you that you were a disappointment.
Now at work, same things happened. It led me to live a life without the colors, crack a smile without the sparks and laugh without a sound. I'm like an empty vessel, alone in the dark and nothing much to do but accept everyday events. Slowly fading, slowly cracking. With so much pain, I don't know how to cry anymore... I don't know any other emotions , not even the word happy.
What can I do? I need help.
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Alasne_Haven
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Hi love. My heart hurts for you. Growing up I was bullied and teased for my weight. So i never felt good enough to make real friends. And when i did have real friends i pushed them away because I didn't feel worthy enough. I go through times are depression were I have suicidal thoughts. Right now I have a lot of stomach problems where my boyfriend takes care of me. Even though I feel like a burden, I have to constant remind myself that things will get better. It's hard! Trust me! But dont ever feel alone. When I start feeling like an empty shell, I write in my diary. I remind myself of all the good things that's happening. Listen to music, lay a blanket outside and watch the stars and moon. Deep breathing! This helps me a lot. When I'm sad, I like to watch comedy shows. My favorites are Jo Koy and Gabriel Iglesias. We may not know each other but feel free to message me anytime you need a friend. I hope this helps. ❤
It really warms my heart to know that people like you exists. I did started writing a diary, more like a journal, I don't know but I do write there. Though sometimes I get lost at thought until at some point I don't know what to write anymore. I do went blank and hollow. But thanks to 'Deep breathing', I regain consciousness. I guess I do forget sometimes that I could breath. Thank you so much <3 for all of it. I will try comedy at some point. I'll update you with that
It's my pleasure! Never forget that people care about you, even strangers! Pain is temporary and that warmth you felt in your heart, you can feel it again. It starts with our mentality and I know for me, definitely knowing that I'm not alone. Yes keep me updated!
I commend you for stepping out and admitting that you need help. That is a huge step towards healing. I was bullied and abused for years as a child and teen. I could never seem to measure up to what my mother expected. I understand dealing with pain and struggling. I would tell you, the two things that help me were, finding people that I could trust and getting the help that I needed. Secondly, having friends to pray for me, really drew me out of my sadness and hurt. You should not walk the road to depression alone. Find someone at a crisis center, or church to help you, even if it is just to have someone walk you through and listen. I am praying for you that you will feel God's peace in your life. I don't know if you have a friend to connect with at work, but maybe if you do try to take a walk on you break, get out and feel the sunlight. The sun gives vitamin D which will help lift depressive moods. You can do this!
Thank you so much for the tip. Surely do it. However, everyone at my work can be a little hard to work with, especially on the idea of competition. They can be a little harsh and well competition will always matter than friendship. I can't find anyone I trust and well, when I did find one, others make ways to broke that trust until the one I thought my friend was now hating me. It hurts. It contributes more to my mental illness. But hey, still trying to live but only to a point where I don't know what the hell I was doing. I'm just so clueless and I really need help... BIG TIME. But still, thank you. You gave me hope. <3
Welcome to the group! “Never talk to other people, though when asked.” I used to be like this when I was in college. I was so shy and timid. I studied in an urban area and I was not used to a big crowd. Thankfully, I had a very good friend who understood that I was shy. She’s always with me and I could open up my feelings to her. She’s a good friend and she helped me in my transition from rural living into urban. It would be helpful if you have a friend or anyone you can trust, you can talk to her and ask for help when you need it.
Thank you for sharing. I hope you will find comfort here. We are all here for each other. Please stay strong. God’s peace and strength be upon you. Take care of yourself.
Thank you very much. I just hope I could find a more reliable and trustworthy friend like yours. I struggle with that, to be honest. Whenever I trust somebody, give them respect, they become my worst enemy the next day. I don't know what I did to deserve that because I am basically quiet, low key and always out of everybody's way. I even avoid problems to escape stress, anxiety and to trigger depression. But problems find me and its hard to cope up. It hurts especially when you really believed they were your friends. For now, I work alone and when in group, I shut up and be on a corner. I kinda made a wall between them but thankfully, when it comes to family, they tried to understand me. Always blessed especially with the idea I have person like you to understand me. I have hope now. Thank you so much
"Always blessed especially with the idea I have person like you to understand me. I have hope now. " Aww thank you. Keep sharing. Online groups like this are very helpful. Although we don't know each other personally but I believe we can still find comfort from people we don't know.
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Lonely
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Talking to myself out loud
Alone
