Married to an introvert 40 years and didn't understand his actions

[lovesteve]

My husband is an introvert! For 40+ years I didn't understand his actions and took it wrong. I have made him so very angry. enough to have him put in jail to protect myself. Our son (40) wants nothing to do with him (HATES HIM) because of his past actions. I since, have been studying and learning about introverts. I was so wrong in my thinking, he didn't want to be with me. We would like to try again. I am scared I will hurt him some more. I wish he would just explain his actions to me. Oh what a mess. I really don't see any way to fix it!

[hypercat54]

Hi it is not your fault he is in jail but his. You didn't 'force' him to violence so don't blame yourself. As an adult he and only he is responsible for his behaviour. He has to take his own consequences of his actions.

It is not up to you to 'understand' him but him to understand himself so you have no need to feel any guilt or that the breakdown was in any way your fault. If he blames you for everything he probably isn't just an 'introvert' but a narcassist. Have a look at the link and see if it makes you think differently.

blogs.psychcentral.com/psyc...

If he has been violent towards you then I can't understand you wanting him back. You need to run a mile instead and protect yourself and your family. Remember him and not you is totally responsible for the way he has behaved. x

[Mary-intussuception]

What 'actions' of his didn't you understand?

Why did you feel the need to protect yourself from him? How can you put someone in jail?

Why did you think he didn't want to be with you - what actions led you to think that?

[SmorMom]

I’m an introvert. I might get annoyed sometimes when people interrupt my thoughts or my alone time. BUT there’s a big difference between feeling annoyed and threatening / abusing someone. Agree 100% with hypercat54, he is responsible for his behavior. If he wants to change, he can find a batterers’ treatment program or whatever. You take care of you.

[lovesteve in reply to SmorMom]

I wish I could make all of you understand just how bad I made it for him. I could not understand why he would just walk off when I was talking to our friends and he will just be gone I know now he needed to recharge I guess. I bitched so hard and long I'm the one who drove him to the abuse. He tried to get away from me so I would cool off but I did not stop. Anyone would lose it too. I HATE myself for what I have done to a really nice kind man. I do not know why he says he still loves me . How do I changes things for the better? Remember I am just learning about introverts/extroverts. I hope I didn't

say anything to hurt your feelings. Did you explain you being an introvert to your husband when you first got together? Maybe he was more in tune than this old women.. Thanks for any help.

[Joy1284]

I'm an introvert in a relationship with an extrovert. We've been together 2 years and there have been many ups and downs because of our social behavior. I have been out of my comfort zone and pushed because he thought that was the answer. He also had a bad temper which put him in jail as well. We went to therapy for a bit and of course I always think that helps but only if you both truly commit to listen, be open to advice, and are willing to compromise. I absolutely love that he is an extrovert. It's the ying and yang. It's our balance. I believe you may have had the same confused ideas thinking we don't want to be the life of the party or don't have all the energy to go from one convo to the next. It is very draining. I definitely like going out but I need him or a bff as a security blanket because once I am left alone, my anxiety kicks in. Also make sure there is a good balance of going out and spending alone time at home. Don't make him feel like there's something wrong with him. He prob loves you so much that he was doing all those things that made him uncomfortable and he thought he was doing well and you may have still asked for more or didn't see how hard he tried. But he did it because he loved you. Hope some of this helps, because I completely feel for you.

[lovesteve in reply to Joy1284]

Oh, I appreciate your message so much! I feel so bad that I caused him so much pain. I want to try again but I'm so afraid I'll still not understand him. We are in council trying to understand each other. I'm afraid he will never believe that I didn't know his needs. He said "I would have talked to you about being an introvert but I thought you knew". Big long story. Thank for your listening.