Having a struggle reaching out

[priyanw]

It took me a long time to take the first step and reach out for help with my depression and anxiety - I was really worried about being stigmatised or being told that I was being silly. It sounds ridiculous but it really made me put on a brave face and pretend to be really happy. People used to ask me how I always managed to see the positive in everything. The truth was, I was just trying to act like the person I wanted to be in the hope that maybe at some point I could take up that mentality for real. Eventually that became exhausting. I had to admit that I needed help, which was unbelievably difficult. At the time, I remember my GP telling me, it was really brave to admit needing help, and that self-stigmatising was not the way to go. Specifically, I remember her telling me, 'You wouldn't give yourself such a hard time if you had a broken leg - so don't give yourself a hard time about this'. It took a lot of self-persuasion to see it that way, but eventually I did. And I started thinking about who my support network was, and making a conscious effort to reach out to them when I needed support.

Since Christmas, I’ve taken a bit of a dive in the progress I was making. I certainly feel like the effort is all still there, but that I’m struggling, and I don’t know why. I feel like I can’t talk about how I feel anymore. When I reach out, the advice I seem to get is, ‘think positive’ ‘don’t be glass half empty – be glass half full’, ‘Just don’t think about it’. I WISH it was that simple for me. But I find that when you’re really low, it’s hard to just be positive – genuinely positive that is. Its been going on for a while now, and I notice myself not bothering to talk about what’s in my head. I even told someone I rolled my ankle rather than tell them I was tearful because I’d just had a huge panic attack. I don’t want to admit it anymore. I feel myself going back into ‘happy’ mode where I pretend everything is peachy so no one asks me any questions. It’s pretty lonely, and I’ve tried talking to my friends and family, I even prepped for it, but writing down things that were troubling me, and what I thought I could try in terms of dealing with it. When they said, ‘just think positive’ I felt totally shot down. I don’t think I can do the reach out for support thing anymore. It makes me feel totally ashamed to be feeling down. I wish I could positive think my way out of this.

[Queenofanxiety]

I get it. My go to person basically just told me I’m not healthy for them and they are making changes. I’m not sure what that will look like but it came at a very hard and trying time in my life seeing she’s the only person other than my mom I ever talk to.

I read a lot of positive quotes and affirmations to try and keep me going. Some days it helps, others not so much.

I’m finally seeking out some counseling - maybe that could be a good option for you too?

[priyanw in reply to Queenofanxiety]

I've done some talking therapy and some CBT. The thing that I found most helpful has been Reiki, maybe because the lady who does it is very open and I feel quite comfortable around her. I am so sorry to hear that your go-to said that. I think whether you're doing okay, or struggling that would be really hard to hear. I hope counselling helps Keep me posted x

[Maxiomargie]

That's what my therapist tells me all the time. She says my thoughts are what's keeping me low. I disagree, but I try to think positive too, and it doesn't work. Personally, I think A&D are very physical diseases, and it's impossible to "think" your way out of it. This is just my opinion though. I feel your pain. Kudos to you for reaching out. This is a great site to come to and see you are not alone.

Much love & peace,

Maxine

[priyanw in reply to Maxiomargie]

I agree - I find that they are very physical too. I tried CBT - and while some of it was great, a lot of it didn't seem to help - I was already doing what it was trying to teach but it wasn't having the desired effect. It's really nice to hear that I'm not alone. This site has been so helpful. x

[Hidden]

Are you seeking any help? We are all here for you! Being depressed is an awful feeling. Maybe try to do something that gives you pleasure, watch a show, listen to music, take a walk...I"m just trying to come up with some suggestions. Big hugs for you! XXX

[priyanw in reply to Hidden]

Yes, I'm on medication, and have completed some CBT and talking therapy. I'm also trying Reiki, which i find really helpful but the effects don't always last very long. But I like your suggestions! Sometimes I feel a bit disconnected from the things I know give me pleasure, I used to love climbing and painting (not at the same time), but right now I don't seem to be getting the relaxation and peace I used to. Do you ever find that? xxx

[Hidden]

Oh my a lot of the time. I force myself at times to do things that make me feel better or at least keep me busy, that way I can't dwell on issues. Remember positive breeds positve and negative breeds negative....our minds are a very powerful place, hang in there , I send you peace and a big hug! XXX

[Ashleigh429]

I go back and forth on this issue as well. I know having a support system is a good thing but some people just truly don’t understand and their responses/“help” end up making me feel worse sometimes. I find that this causes me to isolate when I’m feeling really down bc I have exhausted my ability to “fake it” anymore, been doing it for too long and it just makes the anxiety worse bc it reminds me that I really am different (makes me feel less than truthfully).

[priyanw in reply to Ashleigh429]

Ashleigh, I am so sorry to hear that. It's such an awkward position. I feel like it's impossible to describe exactly what you're feeling without people responding in a way that makes you feel like it's all in your head. I'm in a spot right now where I just can't keep up the 'fake' happy. It's a pressure i am starting to get more and more from my work place, they have been great so far, and really supportive, but work is always about business and money and at some point all they want is for you to pull yourself together.

Is there anything you find helps? Even just to get yourself to a place where you don't feel like you're isolating yourself? (that's definitely what i am doing at the moment).

[Ashleigh429 in reply to priyanw]

I get the same at work, thankfully I can hide in my cube and I have some flexibility to be able to take 10-15 min to myself or a day off or work from home. It’s still a struggle some days and I haven’t told anyone at work about my anxiety so I do totally hide it from them.

I try to make sure I text a friend or two everyday, even if it’s of no substance really, just to make sure I’m staying in contact. All of my friends know about anxiety and depression issues and a few are happy to come to me and just be which is super helpful.

[old-soul]

I am actually in a place where I don't have to fake having a little bit of happiness, At least for the moment. I only mention this because I COMPLETELY relate to everything you said, and it is my hope that the fact that I've had a couple good days in spite of SOME challenges, (not all bad either, mind you) may give you a little genuine hope.

The real point of this reply though, is to thank you. You see, you don't know me from Adam, and what you wrote fits exactly for me too. I have been on this journey for quite awhile, and no the challenges I face are real whether those around me "get it" or not, it reading your post really does help to validate the fact that, no, I'm not just struggling for the sake of struggling.

You seem to have the same sort of sense of humor I have, (for better or worse), as evidenced by your side-note about climbing and painting, though not at the same time. (Or maybe that's just not something you're ready to tackle yet) In that vein, let me suggest, with a wink and a nudge that, yesssss . . . mental illness IS in fact all in our heads! LOLOL

Also, another amusing thought I have on the subject goes like this. "Hey, just don't think about it. Ignore the symptoms and they will just go away! Stop isolating! Get out and be around lots of people!"

Hmmmm . . . That's just about as practicle a solution for anxiety and depression as it is for diarrhea.

Ignoring the symptoms = ill-advised

Stop isolating. Go out and be around lots of people! (While ignoring the symptoms, of course) = You have GOT to be kidding, right?

So, yeah, you do "get it," and so do I. As far as having a hard time reaching out goes, well, you did reach out when you posted here, and I'm really glad you did. You are heard, loud and clear. I hope you keep coming around.

[priyanw in reply to old-soul]

Your reply brought genuine laughs to my day!! And it's a massive relief to realise that I am not the only one who has had these issues. I don't know if humour is a good way to deal with things or not - but to coin a cliche - If i didn't laugh i'd cry, (with that, i have totally nailed both at the same time - as i'm sure i will with painting and climbing). I just want to thank you for your reply, and for hearing me.

[old-soul]

Of course. Re: laughter as medicine, I try to always remember, all good things in moderation.

This whole deal does in fact go both ways. Just as others have said, your original post really not the nail on the head for me too, and on several different points.

Stick around here, okay? You're an asset.

[priyanw in reply to old-soul]

You too thanks so much x