my struggle

[alexamae]

Hello, I’m new here!

I can’t afford to see or talk to someone specialized in this but I’m hoping there are some ways I can learn to cope.

I’m 21, and I’ve battled with my depression and anxiety before at 18.

But it seems to me like this time it got worse. I feel like I can’t handle it at this point and all I ever want to do is just lay in bed all day. I can’t keep a job because it gets so hard for me to wake up in the mornings where I’ll think about everything and anything around me to the point where I get sick. I have mental breakdowns out of no where and sometimes I don’t know why. I feel stuck and don’t know where to go from here. It’s hard because I used to be so happy and positive and hardworking but now all I ever think about is how I just rather not live and wouldn’t care if I turned out homeless. I don’t want to live this way and never thought my life would get to this but it has and I wish I knew how to get back up from here.

[Scott1951]

I am so sorry you are going through this. Glad you reached out here. I am just a fellow sufferer but it sounds like your depression is interfering with your life to such a degree that it has to be addressed in some significant way. I understand that money is a problem and that you are looking for inexpensive ways to cope, and, of course, things like exercise, support groups, etc. can be very helpful. But is that enough given where things are with you? Have you seen a doctor and explored medications?

[alexamae in reply to Scott1951]

I haven’t. Growing up I was neglected by my parents so my grandparents raised me. But since my grandpa passed away in 2014 my grandmas life has turned for the worse also. She’s my only support system and help, but she has her worries and stuff that I don’t want to put on any of my problems to hers. So this is why I thought to talk about it here.

[Scott1951 in reply to alexamae]

I'm sorry you have no one to turn to other than your grandma. I can understand why you want to spare her. It sounds like things have really gotten bad for you. What do you think you will do? Do you have health insurance that would cover an appointment with your doctor?

[alexamae in reply to Scott1951]

I don’t have anything, as I stopped working also. This is why I don’t know what to do next because I don’t have anything to help myself with

[Agora1 in reply to alexamae]

alexamae, I'm sorry in the passing of your grandfather. It seems like that's when your anxiety and depression surfaced which isn't unusual. I can understand how much you rely on your grandmother for support and help but you are right in that it is her time to deal with her own problems. You are more than welcome to share your fears and sadness on the forum. There is always someone to hear you as well as offer life experience advice. Not that we can replace the love and wisdom of your grandmother but at least try to get you "unstuck".

As scott1951 suggested, seeing a doctor is always suggested in making sure there are no physical issues that need to be addressed. You need motivation, self confidence and positivity that you can and will make it on your own. It may take a little medication for a short time as well as a therapist to guide you to the right path in going forward.

I know you said finances are tight so if you are living in the U.S. you may want to call NAMI (National Alliance for Mental Illness) They may be able to direct you to free or sliding scale referrals. Meanwhile, please use the forum for advice and comfort as well as understanding.

None of us know where our lives may take us but that is never a reason to give up. Life doesn't always take the straight path, there may be turns and obstacles in the way but we can get around it and still get to our place of destination. Home free

Will be looking for your posts and wishing you well. You are never alone. We've got you...hold our hands and we will take you step by step to a better place. xx

[alexamae in reply to Agora1]

I thank you as well for this! And believe me it hit hard when I lost my grandpa but really what has always caused my depression was my biological mom. She moved on with her life and her family as my dad also moved on with his life and his own family when they left me. I tried talking to my mom once when I was 18, about what she put me through and how much I was hurting but her problems were more important of course. Ever since I never talked to her about it again. I moved on but it hit me again because I see how she treats my younger brother and step kids and I would ask myself what was different about me that she could never be in my life or do the things she does for her step kids and my younger brother. But I’m older and believe me I am happy she is not with them the way she is with me but she always but my stepdads family and his kids first. That is why she left me with my grandparents to begin with. And now, I’m 21 and stuck on wanting a mother’s love I’ll never be able to get or a childhood I’ll never be able to get back. And that’s what haunts me everyday

[Agora1 in reply to alexamae]

Thank you for sharing that alexamae, I know how much it hurts. I am the adoptive mom of a foster child that was left with me to raise because her biological parents choose drugs over her. Both the mother and father went on with their lives leaving behind 5 children who were all placed in the system but fortunately adopted by those foster parents. But I learned through my experience, that the love and acceptance of your biological parents can never fill the void you feel throughout your life.

The hurt is deep I know. It is nothing you did wrong. In life people mature and learn through their experiences one of them is in having children. My heart breaks for you but don't allow it to ruin the rest of your life. You deserve so much more than feeling lost and hurt and alone.

You're right in that you cannot get back the time lost between you and your mother BUT..you can go forward and show your love for a child of your own one day. Don't pass the hurt forward, pass the love that you missed out on. It will fulfill you. My best, Agora xx

[empath06 in reply to Scott1951]

If you are looking for someone to talk with please reply to this. I would be glad to talk with you about anything you like. It is always good to have a person that is there to listen. Sometimes that is all that is needed.

[Jason28]

Hi there,

I can relate, I am going through this at the moment aswell. I wake every morning greeted by panic fear and depression.

I am 28 and had many episodes since I was a teenager and every time I don't know how I get out of them, this time it feels allot more intense.

My mind races aswell thinking of future events and how I feel I can't handle them, I worry myself sick to the point I am not eating.

I too feel like I can't go on and what is the point living but a small bit of hope is still there which gets me through.

But I feel your pain, I know your struggle but your a warrior for everyday you fight, not many people can do that.

[alexamae in reply to Jason28]

You are a warrior yourself! And yes, it’s all about the small bit of hope that keeps us going. I pray you get through it and know you’re greater than all those things bringing you down!

[Jason28 in reply to alexamae]

Thank you very much, your a lovely person remember that. Don't ever feel you can't talk to anyone please get some help from some professionals we all need it doesn't matter who we are, I know you will be back to your best so please continue the fight, you are worth so much.

[Scott1951]

You might want to try calling a local crisis line and see what resources are available in your area that are free such as support groups, walk-in crisis centers, state-funded community mental health centers, etc. There may also be a mental health association or National Alliance on Mental Illness in your area that could direct you. Please reach out and see what is available locally.

[alexamae in reply to Scott1951]

I really appreciate your help! I know there is a metro care in my area but I was scared to always go because I feel like a crazy mental person although I know that I am not. but that is just how my mind works sometimes. On one side I have a “you can” voice and the other side I have a “you can’t” voice and that’s what tends to drive me crazy sometimes because I know that I am greater than this.

[Agora1 in reply to alexamae]

Make "I can" the voice that will prevail. I once wrote a poem entitled "I think I can".

The last verse goes like this....

So you see "I think I can" is just a way to build this stepping stone.

Until the day that I can say I'm not afraid to be alone.

I have all I need inside of me and what if I would

Make "I think I can' into "I knew I could"

[alexamae in reply to Agora1]

Thank you, the motivation you’ve given me and also that others have given me have helped me greatly! I will be on my way soon to get help.

[Agora1 in reply to alexamae]

xx we're always here for you