hello everyone, i'm a 20 year old female, and i'm not even sure i can summarize all the awful things that have happened to me in one post. to start it all off, i was five when i was first sexually abused, i was being abused by two different family friends who didn't know the other was also abusing me. around this time my biological father was in and out of my life, and my step father was introduced and was extremely mentally, emotionally, and verbally abusive. he eventually began to be physically abusive to my mother. as i grew up i trained my brain to forget my sexual assaults from my childhood, and basically spent my entire life repressing on purpose as my way to cope. i was five after all, i didn't understand until i got older which was when i started to train my brain to conceal, don't feel, and erase. my mother was mentally ill, probably with either border line personality or bipolar, maybe even both. either way, my childhood was a very miserable one that i barely remember, and the bits i do remember are all memories of me sobbing, self harming at a very young age with things like forcing myself to take cold baths after my step dad would beat my confidence down to the point where i felt like i deserved to be in pain, or sometimes i'd bite myself because it was the only way i could get my anger out, i wasn't allowed to express myself rarely under his rule, i remember feeling very alone, anxious, and depressed. at the time i was so young that i didn't even know the symptoms i was having were depression and anxiety and even some ptsd. looking back now, i have pieced all the pieces together and everything fits perfectly. as i stated earlier, my step father became violent with my mother, and she continued to let him live with us, at the time it was now us and my two younger sisters. i just remember feeling like i was under a reign of terror, under the thumb of someone who enjoyed my misery so much that it hurt even more, i didn't understand why someone hated me so much when i was just a child, i hadn't done anything to deserve the cruelness he put me through. as a teen i started to fight back, not physically but with words, i no longer cowered to him, i spoke my mind when he was wrong and i protected my mother and sister's every chance i could get against him. this of course, made him hate me even more, and continue to make my life a living hell. i just remembering hating my life so much, hating myself, hating him so much. i was tormented inside, and all the signs of depression, anxiety, ptsd, they were all there and i guess my family just didn't see it. i was finally diagnosed when i was around thirteen, and my grades improved, but then the medicine stopped working again. as a teen, around fourteen, i met a guy, thought i was in love with him, thought we'd be together till this day, he raped me, he verbally abused me every day, and he physically abused me when he was extremely ticked off. it wasn't until i met my savior, my current therapist that she opened my eyes and i realized how toxic and abusive this relationship was, she was one of the first people i told about my sexual abuse, my boyfriend abusing me, and she helped me end it with him safely. unfortunately, i met another boy, fell head over heels for him, and then he cheated on me, my self esteem was shattered all over again and here came another predator who snatched me up faster than i could say no. he verbally and physically abused me the worst i've ever been treated in my life. he threatened to kill me, my mother, my little sisters, and to rape us all too. it was the scariest thing to happen to me in my life. and just as i started to safely get away from him, my mother started to go through a divorce with my abusive step father. this turned her world upside down, and she didn't know what to do. she loved him in the same toxic way that i loved my abusers and didn't want to leave them, but she had kids with this man, a marriage, and it was very hard for her, and he was not one to play fair or nice. she started to steal and abuse my xanax and i didn't catch on until it was too late, she died suddenly and out of nowhere this past halloween and now my life is shattered again. she was really my only family, my step father has abandoned me, my biological father is a stranger, and my nana is very mentally ill and i fear if i get close to her and my mother's family that they too will suddenly drop dead. my step father has taken all of her belonging's, he's keeping my sister's away from me, and he's spreading awful awful things about me to my family, and for what reason? i don't know. the only answer i can come up with is that this man is evil, pure evil. i miss my mom and i'm so broken from all of my trauma's that i don't know what to do. is there anyone out there that can help me or even understands my pain?