Endless Words (Trigger Warning-Multi Abuses Possible-I rant)

[TheFightGoesOn]

I actually don't even know what the best title of this can be. So much is going through my head right now.

My husband, niece, and (sometimes) my daughter can't learn how to clean up after themselves after so many days, weeks, months, and years of telling them to do so. I am literally the only darn person in this house that cleans everything. My anger has finally boiled over on that one. Like, completely. Only because, yesterday I woke up with, yet another migraine and to boot, a stomach virus and still have the virus and woke with another migraine this morning. My sink has built up with dishes again from 2 days worth from being sick, having my chronic migraines, and all of my mental illnesses. Everything single room in my house (10 including attic & basement) and 2 hallways and the staircase are a complete wreck every single day because no one in this house can clean up after themselves. 4 people living here ranging from 7-years-old to 49-years-old and only one of use is cleaning up everything around here. We also have 2 cats and a dog. I want to pull my hair out every single day that I start cleaning because I just do not know where the heck to begin.

NO, charts do not work, I swear to you all, I have talked endlessly to each of them, alone and in a group so many times throughout the years about this and it goes in one ear and out the other. Every new idea we try, it lasts a day or two and then it's right back to mom doing it all by herself again and them just making the messes. YES, EVERY SINGLE THING!! I have used Google and groups for years.

Four years ago my husband and I took custody of my niece (she was just turning 4 when we got her) who has ADHD but did not know she had that until roughly 6 months to a year later. Also, not long after we gained custody of her, my son (who was 16 at the, actually 15) raped and molested my niece. I actually mentioned this a while ago. So, aside from having ADHD, she also has PTSD, suffers from trauma by my son and her mother and her father, has anxiety, and also suffers from separation anxiety. For the past 3 years, almost 4 now, I've been sleeping on my couch in the living room because her bedroom is right next to it. She stopped sharing a bedroom with my teenage daughter about a year or so after she moved in. My daughter wanted her own room. Who could blame her? Since my niece suffers from so much and also has a bad habit of getting into so much stuff while we're all sleeping at night, I have to be next to next her.

In case you're wondering, yes, it's been a really tough road for her. She's in two types of therapy. Trauma therapy and behavioral therapy. I turned my son in when she came to me. He's been away for nearly 4 years now and still is. He's in treatment. He's 19 right now. I have been there for both of them. It's been one of the toughest things for me to juggle. I love my niece so much and want to make sure she can fight this thing better than a lot of kids do. I have seen so many turns out bad that walked in her shoes. She's been through so much before she came into our home and I did not know my son was who/like he was. I do know that it's been an illness that ran through my dad's family and my mother's as well as his father's.

The reason that mentioned my niece and helping her through her battle to fight her traumas and disabilities, as well as the ones that my son has to battle to get better (hopefully), is because, I am doing it on my own. My husband works so, 95% of the time, I am the one that has to deal with the meltdowns of my niece, her hitting, kicking, punching, crying, pulling my hair, her hair, stealing, climbing, screaming so the people from 2 miles away can hear her, and her taking medications that she knows better that she should not touch, beating our dog, cat, failing in school, being there in all her therapy appointments, med appointments, waking up tons of times in the middle of the night, going to the hospital for foot injuries of my own caused by her, hand injuries caused by her, sprained fingers caused by her... guys, this list honestly can go on. I do all of this with my niece on my own. Now when it comes to my son, everything with him is also on my own. I had to sit through every reading regarding what he had done to my niece all by myself. Listening to every single nightmare detail all by myself and watching his father looks on in distaste at that and also in distaste when he heard that his son was also having sexual contact with boys in the placement he was in, however, with those boys, the only difference with those, the boys allowed it and that is what his father hated the most. That his son liked boys but also liked girls. His son is a bi-sexual and his father hates that. I can understand looking at your son with distaste if he had raped anyone and molested anyone, but not because he's bi-sexual.

But yes. With my niece and my son, I have been doing it all by myself for nearly 4 years. 95% of the time. And when my husband does end up stepping in with my niece, he contradicts what I do and says and screws up everything. I yelled at him about it today and yelled at him about the darn dishes today too because he wanted a clean bowl for soup. I'm just emotionally, mentally, and physically tired. Drained.

On the 30th of this month will mark the 6th year that my father died. He died 4 days after my birthday. 4 days after the very last day that I ever have seen him alive and with a huge smile on his face. I made him his favorite fudge and bought him a heating blanket for Christmas because he was always cold. He had cancer before. He was always sick. Always so, so, so cold. He opened that blanket up and acted like a kid who just got the brand new Playstation! That was the last day I saw my father so, so, so very happy. That was my birthday. That was December 26! He died 4 days after that. I watched him fade away in a hospital bed. A year and a half later, my mother died. A lot more people that I loved so dearly passed from then until now. I also had a miscarriage. I developed migraines around the time my father and mother died. I found out that I had a cyst growing on the right side of my brain. I found out that MRI machines bring back traumatic memories from one of the foster homes that I use to live in when I was a child. I was being drowned in a metal sink while they were banging on and the noises those machines make is what makes me remember that home.

Earlier this week, I called a therapy office and set up an intake appointment. I've been in other therapy places throughout my adulthood but no one has been able to help me at all no matter how much they had tired. Most kept going in circles and it just drove me nuts. I just want to find someone that can actually help me tackle my demons and help me find ways to manage all the crap running around in my head all at once. I honestly never talked to anyone professionally about anything that I have ever gone through my entire life and trust me... I have been raped more times than I can count and yes, that's a nightmare. I have physically abused my own parents and other family, foster families, friends, and boyfriends. I also have been mentally abused by way too many and emotionally abuse by way too many.

I'm actually surprised that I am still standing and able to take care of anyone else let alone myself. I've made a crapload of mistake along the way but still, I am here still and trying to make sure my niece has a fighting change and want to make sure that my son has a fighting chance. Sexual abusers run through my family and his father's family and I DO NOT WANT HIM TO KEEP BEING LIKE THAT. I need him to get better and I want to help to fight this disease of his. I honestly fear for him so much it kills me as his mother he might lose. I want to make sure that my niece turns out as strong as I came out but stronger because I started her therapy. Two therapists at that. I need her to come out stronger than I ever did. She has such a loving heart and so much love to give but also, at the same time, I can see so much hate and darkness there and it scares me.

I honestly believe that I am putting way too much on my plate. This is why I need my husband, who SHOULD be able to, help with this. To not only be there 5% of the time. I need him there for 50%.

After almost 4 years (4 years will be January 15th at night!!), I've completely reached my limit. I have chest pains every second of every single day.

[NWGal]

One thing that can help you my friend is to set boundaries and expect compliance. This requires setting everyone down (including your husband) and telling them what your boundaries will be as far as housecleaning,, etc. Stick to the boundaries you set. It may take some time for everyone to get on board, but when there are no dishes for them to eat off of or no clean clothes they'll get it eventually. You need to be strong on this. I read your entire post and I get a sense that you feel undeserved guilt. You have taken total responsibility for everything happening in your house. This is not all on you! Things in life happen that can't be readily explained or "fixed". Others need to be empowered to take control over their own lives - it's not your responsibility. I am happy you are looking into therapy - there is so much to be gained!

[TheFightGoesOn in reply to NWGal]

I've honestly have left my house in the state where no one had clean clothes to wear and not a single clean plate to eat off of, clean silverware to use, clean cup to drink out of, etc. I have it like that many times throughout the years. My depression had me that way. I actually had no control over it. Even though many around me may have love to think and know that I did have control and that I was more than able to clean but just refused to because I was a lazy B. That did not even do anything. I've talked with them numerous times over the years. I even just had a conversation with my husband after I posted this. He wanted to talk to me as I was about to write this but told him to go away because I needed to be alone. After he heard that my typing had finally stopped for a long time, he decided to risk coming into my bedroom (my living room, LOL!) and talk to me. I told him the big three things that keep getting to me every single day and just make my chest hurt all the time and the one being that he and the children never cleaning up after themselves. I mentioned the time a few months back when I cleaned his entire bedroom perfectly and put all of his clothing away and washed all of his and put them all away and how he promised that he would keep it clean and put all the clothes from now away on his own, and how he never kept that promise. The room is back looking exactly the same as it did before. Bins of clothes all over and soda cans all over and garbage all over. He's the only one that sleeps in there since I have to sleep in the living room next to my nieces' room.

I also mentioned how I've been managing my niece and son the most and how I just cannot do this anymore. I am built for this kind of stuff. I have not even dealt with my own traumas. Not a single one, how in the world were to do this. I needed you all these years and kept asking for you and you just keep pushing me away or condoning me or contradicting me. We are never 50/50 or never see eye-to-eye. We always butt heads! We've been like this for almost 4 years now. Every time that I have to manage a meltdown of my nieces' or a nightmare of my nieces' or anything, I always get a flashback, everything has been rehashing since she's been hurt. Everything that I have not dealt with, everything that I put in a tight little box for decades and years have come out because this poor little girl is showing me who I was when I was her age, the person who never had the help, the little girl that should get the help now. I was not built for this and this is just tearing me apart and you're just not helping me and making me do this on my own. And all he has to say is, "you should always only think of her first, not you, and you should always think of her second, then your daughter, then your son, then your husband, then you". I told him that I need his help. I told him that I almost wanted to kill myself last week and have been thinking this a while now.

I got fired from a job because I stole money from the cash drawer. It was stupid. I didn't get paid enough from there and need money for something that I did not want to ask my husband for. I got caught and fired. I've been even more depressed ever since. So, things just have been falling apart all over the place lately. One of them my fault of course but the rest, my husband just doesn't care about.

After the talk, he said to me, "come on so we can make dinner." That meant, "go wash the dishes, (and guessing now since he's still on his computer watching youtube videos) make dinner. I am the one that will be eating crackers for dinner because I'm sick.

I'm sorry, I ranted again. Thank you for the advice. I did use it before but never worked.

[AuraAethyr]

I can't even imagine how difficult your life is! In terms of the cleaning, if I were you, I would begin getting rid of stuff. Find a place for everything,and thin out whatever is not necessary. Call a family meeting and tell everyone that whatever they don't pick up at the end of each day is going to be thrown away. (If you can't bear to do that to something, put it in a bin in the garage, basement, or somewhere so they think it's gone.)

In terms of your niece as well as yourself, have you ever tried somatic exercises? If she gets stressed or feels unsafe, have her try looking around the room and asking, "What in this room can hurt me?" This helps because with PTSD her physiology is probably stuck in the past.

If you're interested, try looking up Arizona Trauma Institute Somatic Exercises on YouTube.

Hugs and best of luck with Healing and helping your loved ones.

[TheFightGoesOn in reply to AuraAethyr]

I subscribed to that channel on YouTube for now, after watching a few moments of a video. Hard to pay attention with a migraine and my niece talking in her bedroom right next to me. They go to school tomorrow and those are always the best times for me to watch and read things like that when I am completely alone.

I have spent a moment like that one day a few weeks ago in my house, at least downstairs so far, where I went through everything in my house to see what was useless and not useless, and just tossed it all away. I did this for the purpose of needed to rid of the useless and also to box up all the things that I do not want my niece getting into anymore and putting it all upstairs where she never goes at all, so I know it will never get taken, ruined, or wasted anymore. For a while, it was working until she started taking the razors from our downstairs bathroom and the knives from our kitchen. Yes, big eye-roller. When the funds are available to ME, not so much my husband because he just doesn't understand as fully as I do, I plan on getting a door senor for my library. My library is off of my living room and is also the entry to our kitchen. She doesn't have a door to her bedroom because it was always meant to be a small office.

Sometime over this upcoming week, if this stomach virus leaves me and the migraines are not as bad as they have been, and if I am able to tackle whatever cleaning downstairs, I do want to get upstairs to my husband room and maybe clear out what he has upstairs and toss what I know he has not used in years as well as what I know I have not used and will not use because weight ups and downs I've been through. This house has collected so much throughout the years. I've had it in my head since I lost my job to do a good walkthrough of all of our stuff and just throw so much out. It's just hard when I have to always backtrack and reclean what has already been cleaned. People just not cleaning up after themselves, you know?!

[Ekkostar]

After reading your story my heart went out to you sweetheart. I know you said you don't believe in anything or anyone, but I just wanted you to know that I'm praying for you honey. You seem so lost and alone and it just broke my 💔😞 Please know that you are loved very much by the One who created you! Even though you don't believe in Him, He believes in you honey!!!

I'm so sorry to hear about what you went through and are going through now. You want so much to heal. Not only yourself, but your niece and son as well. You have a good heart and soul. I know what it's like to experience the sexual abuse by those who were supposed to love you. My healing came about by the Grace of God. I stopped blaming myself and through much time and many prayers I was able to forgive my abusers. Forgiving my abusers doesn't and didn't mean their actions were condoned, but it broke their hold on my emotional state and I was finally able to heal by forgiving them and letting go and letting God take over. I don't know if you are ready for that but don't blame God for what happened to you sweetheart. God gave man free will and it was the evil in their own hearts that caused you the pain and anguish you've endured, not God. I will continue to pray for you honey. May God be given the chance to heal your brokenness. I'm so sorry that you haven't gotten the support you so desperately need. Please don't give up! There are people who do care and I pray 🙏 that you find them.

God bless.

Ekkostar

[TheFightGoesOn in reply to Ekkostar]

I don't blame anyone else for what happened to me but those had actually done it to me. Nothing else at all. I don't even think that I can blame their genes/DNA. That's because every single form of abuse in the book has been done on my fathers' side of the family, my mothers' side of the, and my sons' fathers' side of the family. See, with me and all of the genetics that I carry from both sides of my own family, I have not become an abuser. And what makes this even more empowering is, I was abused in every single way know in that book too. Every way. I did not abuse any of my children in those ways as I raised them and in the way that I am raising them now. That is because I did not allow those who had done the abusing to me to create my path and I did not allow my parent's genetics to create my path either. I did not have a God to create my path either. I created it myself. I knew what I wanted. Yes, I made mistakes along the way. I learned from them and those mistakes made me stronger. I did not raise my son. His father did. I honestly did not have complete control of my sons' path. His father fed him countless, horrible, terrifying lies about for many years. He's just now believing what I've been trying to him for years; his father has always been lying. Everything I have ever done leads me to the life that I have today. All my own mistakes, foster homes, group homes, schools, friends, foster parents, abuses, etc.. Regardless if I have been able to sort the pieces into a puzzle to that I can figure out where each piece fits to see who I truly am as a person yet, I will get there. Until then, God did not get me through it all this far, I do thank you for wanting me to see it your way, I respect you and always will, trust me, thank you, love you for that, but I did this so far. I have made it. Everyone that has damaged a part of my path along the way, they did that to me and scarred me for life. Each scar has made me into a stronger woman. I have stronger skin. Inside and out. I'm able to live and talk about it with someone else that has and helps them. Help them fight it too. God did not do that for me. I did. I fight it myself. Then I did each battle I won in a box for later. I did that for almost 43 years now.

I do thank you so much for your very kind words. I'm the most open-minded person and will never ever hold your beliefs against you as long as you respect mine the same as well. You're a very kind person and would like to keep chatting back and forth. With the open-mindedness kept in mind of course.

And know this, I am starting therapy soon. My intake appointment is this Wednesday morning. I just hope that they find a fitting therapist for me this time. I just cannot seem to find one that is right.