Seriously struggling with the isolation

[vanessi]

Hello everybody, for so long i didn't keep posting about my recovery and my depression problems but as everybody knows about the pandemic and everything has me very sad, down and depressed.

I wanna start saying that last year i moved to France because i got a job here, i work in a high school teaching spanish. It's been so hard to adapt sometimes because i am very reserved person and im not very friendly and chatty at all. Iive at the school student residence so pretty much i am always in my room, all the people i live with here has gone and i am completly alone. My contract finishes at the end of this month and after that im gonna move to ireland because my boyfriend and i want to settle down.

The reason why i created my account was because i felt so bad after a breakup, well after ups and downs my boyfriend (the one who left me) backed together, and our relationship is going very well, sometimes i argue with him because i can't forget the pain that he caused me so we are trying to deal with and get over it. We are good now, he is my support during this bad period of life, I saw him last month, i traveled to Ireland and stayed 2 weeks there but for some reason i didn't wanna come back because i knew this month was gonna be bad. I am also worried because it was supposed to move to ireland next month but im not sure it is gonna be delayed due the coronavirus. I miss my family and my friends, and i am getting crazy with all this. Also i all the time eat frozen food because i don't have a proper kitchen and it is making me feel worse. I have been drinking alot recently and i hate that feeling at the next day because it makes me feel guilty and i feel im trying to escape of the reality but after i feel very stuck and lost.

I am feeling really, really bad, and i don't know what to do to stop struggling in this way. I just have sad and bad thoughts and i feel no one can help me.

[kenster1]

hi good to see you check in vanessi I remember commenting on one of your earlier posts.it seems so different now to it was before and the fact that you are together again shows a lot for you both.great to hear that your working in france but I feel for you regarding the current situation.its really hit us all in some way but some how we plod on through it.being so far apart from family must be difficult but keeping in regular contact is more important just now and be assured you will all be able to be with each other again.thanks for checking in and all the best to you.

[vanessi in reply to kenster1]

Thank you so much, i am having a really bad time, at the moment im having a panic attack and lots of anxiety, i don't know what to do to control it.

[Hidden]

Hi there, I think that you believe-- deep down--that someone (maybe the people on this site) can help you. We must be careful about the words we choose to describe our situations. I had a very difficult afternoon yesterday. Very Difficult, slipping into my old patterns and coping mechanisms (seriously considered drinking again) and old negative thought loops -- I'm alone because no one wants to be with me because my personality sucks and on and on and on.. When the truth of the matter is that I'm alone because -- if you believe it exists in the widespread manner that the news has advertised-- of COVID 19. Surely I've made mistakes in the past and will continue to do so-- however, you and I must forge ahead and get through these tough times. Oh I had traveled right before this "shut in/ stay home" order and thought, I probably shouldn't go home and be alone but one of the people I was with said, "if it were me, I'd go be in my own space." This translated--to me--that she didn't want me to stay. If I had to do it all over again, I would have said, I'm scared and don't want to spend weeks on end alone in my house. It's okay though. I made that decision and I'm here. I will make it as long as I can limiting my trips during the day to the grocery store, the drug store, etc., on the off chance the virus is really as bad and widespread and gonna get me as they say...

I am rambling--though likely shows you that many of us are having really bad moments, minutes, days, however we are going to get through it and we must remember that they are just moments... they are not forevers. Take good care today.

[vanessi in reply to Hidden]

Yes, sometimes and this morning i woke up thinking if everybody (people i see on fb) that posts memes, and funny videos and everything are dealing with the same anxiety and sleeping problems, because sometimes i feel alone on this. And now you tell me that i think there are lots of people probably dealing with worse issues than me. Stay safe and be strong!!!

[Hidden in reply to vanessi]

Hi there: There is a mixture on Facebook and I'm taking a break until I feel I can handle it again. I hope you have a wonderful day.

[SheWrote]

I am so sorry that you are alone right now. But it is good to know that you have someone, even if they aren't right there with you. Hold onto that, talk to them often... those are the things that will get you through the time you have left before you are back with everyone you love. I am finding that taking one step at a time, day by day, is all I can do right now. And looking for the joy in each day, even smiling to myself, is what lifts my spirits. You will get through this... you are so much stronger than you realize! And, you have something to look forward to... HUGS!!!!

[vanessi in reply to SheWrote]

Thank you so much, i am taking day by day sure. I just try to keep myself busy doing some chores at home and also i started doing some exercise yesterday. I went to the shops yesterday too and i found a medicinal tea that i am drinking at night before so i can be relaxed and sleep better. The last few days i was struggling so much with the sleep but even if it is not 100% recovered yet, the tea made me sleep for more hours and without waking up many times, i feel i rest a little bit more so i am gonna keep drinking it 'till my body gets used to. I know sometimes everything is in my brain, and also i left the alcohol for now cos it wasn't helping at all. Thank you

[SheWrote]

I am so glad to hear that you got some good rest! That will make a difference. When I am not resting it seems everything overwhelms and saddens me more. And yay on the exercising! I am trying to get back into that myself, because it always makes me feel better. You are amazing!!!! Keep fighting for yourself, you are so worth it!!! <3