Dumped with many dreams ahead

[vanessi]

Hello everyone, i'd like to start with an introduction. I met the love of my life more than a year ago. We met on an online dating site, I'm Mexican and he is Irish, we started talking on October 10th, 2016 and we had an online relationship for the following 5 months. He came to Mexico on March 5th, 2017 and we got so in love with each other that we made plans together. Then, i flew to Ireland five months after. On August 5th, 2017 and we decided i was gonna stay there, but for some immigration reasons i had to come back to my country but we planned i was gonna apply for a 8 months student visa in February 2018. We lived together for 3 months in Ireland and we had so many plans and dreams. He said to all his family we were gonna get married next year and everything was going so well. When i left Ireland he said he loved me, even we both cried so much for being apart. Novermber passed and everything was ok, i was feeling so lonely and depressed and started demanding so much attention from him and we started having some problems cos he was working so much to save money and take me there. I was so ungrateful, and after a huge fight he decided to break up (through skype), but i was the first one who suggested it! Then i regreted and i begged him to still have our relationship but he didnt want. I apologised and i have changed my way of thinking and the only thing i want is us back. So we have barely talked for the last 2 weeks and a half, he says he loves me but he can't be with me cos he feels so negative about us, that we are on different pages in our life and he would be stopping me to do stuff and have a good future cos i deserve better. He didn't tell me this before and he said everything is cos the age difference. i'm 23 and he is 36. There is a 13 years' gap. So even if he says we had an amazing time and we had plans and misses me so much, he keeps saying the same. I'm really heartbroken and i feel really depressed, i barely sleep and eat, i don't want to do anything and still have no job cos i left everything in my country for him. i sometimes text him cos i wanna know about him, but if i don't do it he doesn't do it either, even if he is online using whatsapp and facebook, he ignores me completly. I can't live like this i feel hopeless and without a future, i don't know where is my life going, i don't know what to think. All the memories are brought back and makes me feel worse thinking of what we had, even using facebook and see posts of his friends that are my friends too affect me. i cry everyday and i'm having lots of anxiety. I don't wanna give up on him and move on cos i really, really love him and want to have a family with him and he still says he loves me so much and misses me but i don't know.

p.s. I have asked him if there is another girl and he says no, i have asked him if it is cos there is a huge responsability for him for me to be there, he says no, it is not about money or other stuff, it is cos the AGE!!! but i really feel that he doesn't love me anymore. At the moment i'm in Mexico and he is in Ireland, really hard to fix things when we are so far away.

I would like to get an advice or something. i really need it, i feel miserable

Vanessa E.

[Hidden]

Hi Vanessa. I'm very sorry you are sad and heart broken. It must me so sad for you to have lost the man you love so much. So I just want to give you my point of view according to the information you wrote on here. I don't believe that the age difference affects a relationship. My sister is 28 and just moved it with her 45 year old boyfriend. There are couples out there that are over 20 years apart. Like they say age is nothing but a number. And you too made plans lived together for a while and your age was not an inconvenience to him before so why should it be now all of a sudden?. From what you said maybe the fact that you were demanding is what triggered the feeling that you two aren't right for one another. He probably felt that if you were demanding so early on he wants none of that as time goes by. I know it is so hard aND what I'm going to tell you is probably something you don't want to hear but I think you will have to try your best to move on. Don't text don't call him anymore, it's hard but you have to give him space and one of two things will happen, he will either start wondering why you stopped contacting him and start missing you or he will just simply continue to move on like he has been doing and if he does this is this really the man you want to be with? Someone who gives up on you so easily, so quickly? If he really loved you he wouldn't let anything get in between you two, specially not something like age. So think about it, and I hope you follow my advice. It's hard I know but constantly texting him is getting you no where. Try to distract your mind by going out with friends and getting a new job to help you take your mind of what's going on. Let him be the one seeing you on fb and what's app and ignoring him like he does with you. Hope this gives you some clarity

[vanessi in reply to Hidden]

Thank you so much for your words, they were very helpful, i hava been living in a nightmare the last 3 weeks, everything was very well, but after that argument everything changed, this is the first time i have felt he doesn't love me at all. It is hard to move on cos i love him so much, but i had already decided to block him from everything so i can stop checking on him, cos seeing him online on whatsapp and fb is killing me. I actually decided to close my social networks and give me a break for myself.

I know there is a risk that after i do all this he might move on, but i know i can't force him to love me and be with me, i do love him and i would like our relationship back.

i'm seeing a psychologist early next year, and i also looking for a job, and i will focus on the things i like, like writing and reading and study to improve my french and try to learn german.

i just want to recover myself, thank you so much for everything.

[Hidden in reply to vanessi]

Your welcome Vanessa. Always remember no one can take what belongs to you. If he is meant to be he will come back and if he wasn't then that is because someone better is awaiting for you. If after you turn on your media or you decide to unblock him he comes back to you then it's meant to be. But in the mean time I think you are making the right choice. What is not a blessing it's a lesson in life. Good luck at the psychologist they will help you tremendously and you always have us here to listen and try to help.

[vanessi in reply to Hidden]

We still talk, but unfortunately we haven't fixed anything, i love him and i would love to get back all we had, he has called me and texted so much today, sending me pics of his family for Christmas, i don't know what will happen but i will go to the psychologist anyway. Thank, your messages are really helpful.

[Hidden in reply to vanessi]

I'm glad you are feeling more optimistic, leave everything up to fate what ever happens beleven it will be in your benefit. Don't force anything.

[vanessi in reply to Hidden]

Well, i have breakdowns every day, and so much anxiety during the day. Hopefully my family is helping me so much but i am still hopeless.

I know i can't do anything with my ex cos i can't force him to love me nor be with me. I need a break from this and start doing other stuff with my life. I'm looking forward to seeing a psychologist and get some support.

[Hidden]

Imagine you didnt meet him on that app , how would your life be what were your plans back then , start from there , i had the same issue as yours i was in love with this guy and we were from different family or tribe as they call it here but because he didnt want to face his family and stuff and beduin stuff too we broke up i wanted him even if we didnt get married but he didnt want me , two months later i met an amazing guy i was still not over the previous one but we got along and i found out her really loves me and we got engaged recently after 8 months and soon to be wed , so sometimes god takes you away from someone to direct you to someone else even if you tried everything and apologize and it didnt work dont give up on love , once i found him i was glad i broke up with many guys before him that i thought i would never live without and trust your self and see your worth we are young at early 20's we can fall in love , travel enjoy life maybe write a book or two and discover our self so start discovering who you really are and what you love ! Dont leave your life to someone else until you get a ring on your finger then its not worth it

[vanessi in reply to Hidden]

Yes, i understand but i find it really difficult at the moment, i'm having lots of anxiety and i don't know how to control it, i didn't have big plans before i met him cos i had just graduated from college and i was just focus on getting a job! Then we met and started making plans, i still love him but i'm so mentally hurt that i need a break for myself, i need to recover cos i can't see any hope for myself.

We still talk, we are not mad at each other, but it is so painful and see he is online is affecting me too. I am getting proper help early next year and i'll block him on everything to recover too, and i will focus on my career and things i like, even if right now i don't wanna do anything. My family is helping me too.

This a sad situation and i will need so much time, i'm not interested in finding someone else to forget him cos that doesn't help me at all, it just makes me feel worse. I'll provide myself support and time to get over this. I wanna feel peace in my life again.

Thank you so much for everything

[Hidden in reply to vanessi]

I get you i said that too , but try it you wont lose much keep your self busy and look for a job and dont wait go volunteer somewhere fun get to see people more often ! Meet new people and make new friends that helps too just keep your mind busy and with time you will forget